Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

So last night I had the mother of all meltdowns!

With my wedding 3 weeks away and the guest list growing before I can take a breath - I think FH and I will be divorced before we are even married.

My dilema???

I originally wanted a small wedding of maybe 150 people. 150 people was in our budget range and I felt comfortable with that -

so I invited 40 of my close friends and family -and figured since FH has a huge family he can take the rest -

I know most of you have heard me rant about this - but here it goes again - the list that came back for FIL - was over 150 and counting - of FIL friends and family more than half of these people we don't even know - when the invite list count got to 260 - I voiced my concerns numerous times that we can't afford all these people - I was hushed several times with assurances from FH that his family will help and so I hushed... My dad had agreed to help us and gave me 7K - my dad is a bus driver and gave me all he could - and then FH and I put in some more - I again expressed my concerns over the guest list and FIL told me not to worry these invites are going out more "out of respect" and that most of these people WILL NOT attend this exact quote came from FH's father.

fast forward to last night -

a) I find out FIL got their hands on more invites and are still sending them out!

b) FIL said they can only give us 3k!

c) FH said absolutely nothing about this.

d) did I say the wedding was in three weeks and 100 of those people that are over our budget are friends of FIL that I don't know and FH does not know and that they are still inviting people?

and there are still 40 invites out there past the rsvp date that have not responded all from FIL side and people that I don't know so therefore I can't call them myself.

so last night I freaked out and wanted to call the entire wedding off because I don't understand how FIL can do this to us - leave us out there like this -

I understand that they may not have the money - but then how and why did you invite all of these people "out of respect" ?? - and why are you still doing it???

how do you expect your son and his new wife to pay for this wedding of mostly your friends?

am I wrong? Once I began to cry last night I couldn't stop. I seriously felt like taking the rsvp cards and burning them - this is my wedding aren't I supposed to be happy?

then FH says his best friend has offered to lend us the extra money - but is that the point?

the point is his parents should understand what they did is wrong and that we are freaking out - we walk into the FIL house smiling like all is well - and we leave smiling then get in the car and argue like there is no tomorrow....

shouldn't we say something? Shouldn't FIL know that they should be concerned and helping us get our hands on more money?

sorry this is so long jeez.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!! they have SOME NERVE! I am so angry on your behalf! how can they do this to you?? I can't believe they sent out invites without you knowing!

I really hope you work this out with them. they need to come up with a lot more than $3K!!!!!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I AM SO SORRY!
My goodness, that's terrible!!
ABSOLUTELY YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING!
Try and cool yourself off first though, you may say something you might regret.
I'm sorry to say though, that since the invites have already been mailed, there doesn't seem like a whole lot you can do. Your FH should definitely talk to his family. That's completely out of control!! You poor thing!!!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

OMG! That is horrible!!!
They definately better come up with more cash than 3k!!!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I think you should break it down for them

add up your and your FH's guest list

add up theirs- do the math- show them how much it is costing

they are so rude! I am shocked that a parent would do this to a child

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

You're not wrong at all for being upset/mad..Id definitely be pi$$sed..after inviting all those people I dont understand how your FIL thinks $3k will cover it?! Definitely talk to your FH and FIL again and see if they can come up with more. Even if your bestman lends it to you, it's still going to be your debt to pay back, and I dont see how thats fair.

Honestly if it were me Id make FIL uninvite the extra people, maybe thats being *itchy about it but Id be too pi$$ed to do it any other way (unless they put in the extra money they promised in the first place)

eta: and sending out invites w/o you knowing?!! thats just horrible! So sorry you're dealing with all this so close to your wedding

Message edited 9/8/2005 10:29:55 AM.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Oh Kim !!!!!!

Hon, I totally understand. That is so wrong of your IL's to do that to you. How in the heck did they get your invites?!?!?!! I'd be pissed off.

I would sit down with IL's and demand to know who they invited. I would tell them that unless they can hand you cash for each and every single one of those people, that a letter is going out saying the following:

Dear so and so:

It is with regret that we must withdraw the invitation to our wedding. FH's parents sent out many invitations without our knowledge and permission. As a result, we are far beyond our budget and the maximum occupancy for our hall. We are deeply embarassed and very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
You and FH.

In addtion, I would give a list of your invites to the Maitre'd, and tell them that only those people are to be admitted, and everyone else will be turned away. You can print copies of that letter to be handed out to the people that are turned away.

I don't agree with inviting people to be polite- b/c I have learned that free food+ free drinks = free loaders. They will take you up on the invitation, no doubt about it.

I am dealing with a similar situation myself, and that is what I would do. I called my hall, and they policy for extra guests is that I have to pay in CASH for any extra people.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by Beth1210

I think you should break it down for them

add up your and your FH's guest list

add up theirs- do the math- show them how much it is costing

they are so rude! I am shocked that a parent would do this to a child

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

how what do I say?

I tried telling them that the list was to big and that I only have 5 tables for my family out of the now 22 - which by the way I had to order 6 more centerpieces for the extra tables - to put mr. so and so and his children from his long lost cousin in zimbobway!

150 was our goal - our nice safe budget - and now we have 200 people with 40 still out there somewhere and FIL had the nerve to say last night that those 40 will come!

I get so angry my blood boils and I want to scream and say things that will def. end this marriage before it begins.

my poor father keeps telling me not to worry that he will figure it out - but HOW is this my dad's problem?

and to top it all off I am sure all of those people will think my father in law paid for the wedding and thank him and say it was a beautiful wedding - when in reality his portion can only pay for 30 people.

my dad will be left in the shadow - because no one knows him - but my dad is not at all a proud man and will not care - but I will. I will care.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

you have FM

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I am so sorry, but right now you have to do something about this. You don't want to start dreading your wedding day. I agree with all the other girls. You and FH have got to tell your FIL one of two things: 1) they either pay for these extra people, or 2) there will be a letter going out uninviting people.

One of the things I hear from most brides if they had to do it all over again they would have invited less people. You already know how many people you want at your wedding and that's what you should have. I know this will not be easy, and I don't pretend it will be. But money doesn't grow on trees and your FIL have to understand that if they don't pay for these extra folks then how is the hall going to get paid. Sit down with FH and strategize now. Don't wait too much longer because then your hands will really be tied.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla


I would sit down with IL's and demand to know who they invited. I would tell them that unless they can hand you cash for each and every single one of those people, that a letter is going out saying the following:

Dear so and so:

It is with regret that we must withdraw the invitation to our wedding. FH's parents sent out many invitations without our knowledge and permission. As a result, we are far beyond our budget and the maximum occupancy for our hall. We are deeply embarassed and very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
You and FH.

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

as to how they got the extra invites - there were a few people on the list without addresses - so I told FH to give his father the exact number of invites that was missing. Well he gave him those and then som and they began inviting extra people -

last night I saw an invite in my father in law's that had an address scribbled on it in the worst handwriting ever - and that was going out yesterday - my rsvp date was the first of september.

I fear that this monster is out of my hands - and either way i turn I will end up getting hurt - my future father in law has cancer and he has been getting chemo treatments and so no matter what I say I will look terrible in the eyes of his family for giving him hell - this is why I am so disappointed in FH - because he should step up to the plate and have a talk with is father - in the end - the wedding is 3 weeks away - and there is nothing that we can do right now -


thanks everyone...but I think for the rest of my life I will remember the planning of my wedding as the most depressing time I have ever spent - and to top it off - i now have to look and greet all of these people - I don't know and thank them for coming to my wedding -

how does that make for great wedding memories -


I have to take this post down soon - for fear of prying eyes.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

listen Kim, this is YOUR wedding. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, but you still have time to address this problem.

tell your IL's that they have 2 options.

1. cough up the $$ for all these people
or
2. you will send them notices that they are not invited.

what they did was absolutely heinous!!!!!!

Message edited 9/8/2005 10:43:02 AM.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

That's all I want to give you. it's your time you should be enjoying it and night fighting or worrying about putting on a false front! Take it one day at a time and it will be alright.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

WOW...if i was you i would definitely talk to them (if your FH won't) and say that the only way you were able to have all of these people is under the impression that they would be paid for. You simply cannot afford it, and their list must be cut to THIS...whatever the # is. You can even say you apologize for the misunderstanding, but you were told something different and it is unfortunate that all these people have invitations, but shi% happens and we must switch gears and make things right. Otherwise, you CAN call it off and have a small intimate affair (with your 40 friends and family, and fh's immediate family, a few other of his close friends). this is tough considering my family alone was over 70 people.

You simply cannot pay for 200+ people on your own. Ten grand is a nice help but won't even scratch the surface, which you know and is why you're freaking out (rightfully so). Is your FH able to speak to his parents? He has let this get out of hand and you msut take matters into your own hands.

I wish you ALL the luck in the world, and let us konw what happens. I feel terrible for you and hope this works out. People can be so rude and disrespectful and inconsiderate, it's awful. You do have ultimate control here and your feelings (and bank account) have to come first.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla

Oh Kim !!!!!!

Hon, I totally understand. That is so wrong of your IL's to do that to you. How in the heck did they get your invites?!?!?!! I'd be pissed off.

I would sit down with IL's and demand to know who they invited. I would tell them that unless they can hand you cash for each and every single one of those people, that a letter is going out saying the following:

Dear so and so:

It is with regret that we must withdraw the invitation to our wedding. FH's parents sent out many invitations without our knowledge and permission. As a result, we are far beyond our budget and the maximum occupancy for our hall. We are deeply embarassed and very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
You and FH.

In addtion, I would give a list of your invites to the Maitre'd, and tell them that only those people are to be admitted, and everyone else will be turned away. You can print copies of that letter to be handed out to the people that are turned away.

I don't agree with inviting people to be polite- b/c I have learned that free food+ free drinks = free loaders. They will take you up on the invitation, no doubt about it.

I am dealing with a similar situation myself, and that is what I would do. I called my hall, and they policy for extra guests is that I have to pay in CASH for any extra people.

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

So sorry you have to deal with this.

You have to confront your IL, it is not right of them to invite all these people that you have to pay for.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I thought my FIL were bad. I am so sincerely sorry that you are going through this because I know how it feels and mine isn't 1/4 as bad as you're are.


Honestly - and this is terrible - but I think its time for a sit down. Leave your FH out - because, speaking from experience - its hard for them to stand up to their families. Let the inlaws know that you cant afford it so THEY have to either come up with the cash, or THEY have to call and let people know you cant afford it. make it their problem -

I'm so sorry honey

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I know how you feel. I tried to keep it down and told my FMIL that she couldn't keep inviting, well she told her son and he flipped out on me, but I didn't care, enough was enough. We had a guest list of 260 and only 165 ended up coming, so we were under our guarantee. you inlaws need to cough up some money. My parents paid for the entire hall which was 18K, his family gave us nothing but a HUGE headache, everything was a problem. I would talk to them, you have to, what they did was 100% wrong!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

OMG!!! Honey I an so sorry!! I can't believe the nerve of them!! Assuring you that all is fine and then completely screwing you! As we all know 3K is a piddily drop in the bucket. I wish I even knew what to do especially since the invites went out already. As far as I'm concerned that "loan" from the friend should be paid off by your FIL though and NOT you and your FI.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Invitations were our hardest part too, I am so sorry you ar ein this situation and that FH is not being more supportive.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Message edited 5/29/2006 10:38:35 AM.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Wow, they are basically asking you to go into debt to host their friends.

This is a gut check moment. I think you have to say something and make it final.

I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you are being put through this. Its outrageously rude.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I am sooo sorry to hear it.. I would definately say something.. My mom and my fh and I are paying for this, I gave his family a few to choose but that is it.. most of my wedding party is his family HELLO I do have some family..
I think peopel just do not use there brains,..
And I am sick of hearing abotu the respect.. I have a few for that reason too, my thing is you want these extra people so bad pay for them..

Message edited 9/8/2005 12:54:09 PM.