Two weddings/one family/one summer?

OK--a somewhat complicated situation... My best friend has been with her fiancé for 5 years. They have finally decided to get married next summer (Just like me--woohoo!)

Anyway, they are both teachers, and can only get married during the summer. They will not live together until the wedding. His sister is getting married next August. She already lives with her fiancé.

Their dilemma is: Is it rude to get married a month before his sister? They do not want to wait another entire year to get married, but they do not want to steal his sister's thunder. His sister has been engaged (and living together) for about 3 years, they just took forever to set the date.

I told her she should do it, she shouldn't waste a whole entire year, but I thought I'd ask the wedding experts to sure.

Thanks!!!

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

Honestly, I would wait if I were them. I understand about being teachers since I am one and by the time we get married, JT will be one as well, but what about Christmas time? Or in the springtime around spring break? Or in February during winter break? I just know I would be a little heart broken if my sister decided to get married the month before or after me. Maybe that's me being selfish, but it's just how I honestly feel.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I would ask the sister to make sure she's okay with it. My younger sister got married before me, I was upset at first but it wasn't fair to make her wait on her life until I was ready to start mine. I've been with my FH for over 6 years and we've been engaged for almost 4 years. We set the date w/ in 6 months of being engaged. My cousin, who has been with her FH for less then 1 year is getting married 6 days before me For her E-party she registered. She had set the date for the same date as my wedding. When I called her to ask her if that was the real wedding date or just a date they put down on the registery, they said it was the real date. I told them that was my date. She got annoyed and then changed it.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

this very situation caused more heartache in my friend's family, more fights, turmoil and tears than you can imagine this summer. from that experience, i would tell her be very thoughtful and conscious of what she is doing. it's up to them, but it can be a terrible situation to find yourself in, one that can hace lasting hard feelings in the family...sorry for a bleak outlook, i just wouldn't wish that experience on ANYONE!!!!!

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

and I second that too... but this is coming from someone that her 1st cousin booked the wkend right before me!

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

Well,
It is not rude, do they get along with the other couple? I know that sounds like a crazy question but it makes a huge difference.
My FH and i have the same situation but there are three weddings in his family in less than a year. All three sons are getting married. One was Aug. mine is in Feb. and the other is in July. It is tough on the family , but there is not much that anyone can do about it. It has not been easy and as my approaches and mined you I do not like the girl getting married in july, she liked everyone to know her busness and my FH and I dont! SO it seems like ours is not on anyones minds.
But it is what the two individuals want, if they want to get marreid next summer I say go for it! My advice is for this girl to keep her planning to herself. It is hard to make a wedding personal when someone wants to know every detail about so it wont be or will be the same.

But I will be honest it has caused some tears and fights.

Message edited 10/19/2003 8:25:06 PM.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

tell them to get over it and not to worry about "stealing someone's thunder" - this is a marriage out of love, not out of convenience.

do they want to get married the same day? no - so big deal.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

The couples get along well enough, the sister actually really likes her but they don't really hang out, they live about 60 miles apart. They just see each other at family parties and holidays. I do know that the sister was pushing the engagement, actually the whole family was, but it's still a sticky situation.

My friend's fiancé told his mom about it, and she said "Hey, two parties in one summer, sounds good!" but they are afraid of the sister's reaction.

I feel really bad...she is working up the courage to ask the sister...

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

It depends.. a month is kind of close. However my wedding is in March, my brother's is on September and FSIL's is in October, all next year. It's going to be busy but we are all okay with it. Both families are going crazy.. but it's fun!! I'm not the type to think someone is stealing my day, but I know it's not like that anyway.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

My stepsister got engaged after me, but is getting married before me. SHe originally was goign to have it in APril or May of 04, and switched to make it earlier. I think it depends ont the type of person you are. I, personally, wouldn't care. I know plenty of people though that would be a little upset.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

One of my brothers got married in August and the other in September - just a month apart. It was no problem for anyone. My sisters-in-law were happy they had someone else who was also going through all this wedding planning madness. I don't think it should have anything to do with stealing someone's thunder. They should just be happy for each other and happy the family will get together twice in one summer.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

My brother and I got engaged the same night (without knowing, obviously). He's getting married 7/3/04 and I'm getting married two weeks later (7/17/04). My family is actually really psyched because the people coming from far away (my sister in France) will only have to make one trip and will just stay in Westhampton (where we're from) in between. But I guess it depends on the family. Good luck!

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

i am dealing with the same issue. months after we announced our engagement and picked a date, FI's Aunt (his mother's sister) decided she wanted to get married (2nd marriage) and picked a date 1 month before us!!!! i was upset, but i let it go. my FMIL however, will not let it go!! this has caused extremely bad blood between the sisters. well - fast forward a few months - since she was getting married first, her invites went out first. by the time of their wedding, our responses were starting to come in and we noticed a lot of FI's OOT family said no. well guess what??? a bunch of them made it to his Aunt's wedding. it really hurt FI and myself that people made it to his Aunt's wedding, but could not make it to ours!!!

do i feel like she stole some of our thunder?? definitely!! will the relationship ever be the same on that side of the family - probably not!!

good luck!!!

Message edited 10/19/2003 10:01:28 PM.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

If it were me I would talk to FSIL about the situation. Explain the reasoning. I think it will completely depend on the type of person she is! She may be like its no biggie but I would perfer if you got married in June to leave enough time between us. However if she is really against the idea then I would as someone else said wait until Christmas break and get married then! I would not get married during that summer if the FSIL opposes it because that will cause MAJOR family friction!!!

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I agree that your friend shouldn't worry about offending anyone with their wedding date, but she should consider the financial strain it may put on the family. Most people want to give a nice gift and having two weddings so close to one another may make that difficult. Perhaps they want to consider having their wedding on a holiday weekend and booking their honeymoon for a school break.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

My younger brother (and only sibling), who by the way is 8 years younger than me, got engaged three weeks before me to a girl he was with for about a year. FH and I had been talking about our wedding before we were officially engaged and so hearing that my little brother not only got engaged and picked a date (three months before mine) before me was SO upsetting. I was the one who was "supposed" to get engaged and get married first! I felt like my younger brother was stealing my thunder until I officially got engaged. I then realized that by nature we are different people and our weddings will be very different. It actually has become fun to plan at the same time and make comparisons. As far as our family and guests go, we felt if they want to come to both they will if not, that's their choice, our days will be special no matter what. I just feel bad for our parents because both of their children are getting married within 3 months of each other and than there's no more wedding celebrations to look forward to.

My brother is July 4, 2004 and I am October 31, 2004 and everything has been fine thus far.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

Wow... that really stinks...and I didn't even think about telling her about the financial strain on the families... she's going to freak out about that.

hmmm...

I think weddings have to be one of the best and one of the hardest things on a family!!

Message edited 10/20/2003 6:30:57 AM.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I just wanted to say that you girls are absolutely wonderful, this is such a great board, I have never seen such a supportive group!!

:)

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I was in a very similar situation except I am not a teacher so I had some flexibility. My brother got engaged in Jan 2000 but didn't book a date until spring 2001 about a couple weeks before I got engaged. They set their date for Aug 2002..so they had over a 2.5 year engagement. Now, I am older than my brother and SIL and DH and I didn't want to have a long engagement...I always envisioned a late spring/summer wedding because summer is my favorite season but knowing that would be too close I thought maybe I would have my wedding about 5 months before them but at the same time I was afraid to insult them. Alot of family members told me I should do so..stating I am older, why wait over a year and half to get married, why would your brother care - he should be happy for you, etc. Plus DH and I were together over 6 years - my brother had to know that I would get engaged sooner or later.

Anyway, I felt bad and my brother and I went for drinks and I got his opinion. I found that he and his FI would have been very upset by this much to my surprise. I was very upset at first because I didn't want to have a two and half year engagement to wait until the following spring/summer. Even knowing this alot of people still said that I should go first (and my inlaws were not as understanding and DH even took it hard) but I sucked it up and I went the end of October...so we got married about 2.5 months apart. It was October and cold - not my favorite time of the year but I had a wonderful wedding despite that. My family was very understanding and I don't think either event was effected by either wedding. I rather have family peace more than anything else.

As a teacher, you can do winter/Christmas time...my friend who was also in this situation (younger sister booked date in July and they are both teachers) got married in November and combined it withThanksgiving break and took a shortened honeymoon. She can do mid-winter recess...I think she does have other options if she doesn't want to wait.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

My FI sister got engaged this July - totally unexpected to everyone and now she want to have the wedding 2 weeks after mine. I totally think that is ridiculous!!!! It is alot for the families participating and does take the thunder away from the person before, but I am not saying anything to her not to cause any trouble. If they are teachers then what about Christmas time - they are off 2 weeks.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I think they should ask his sister if it's okay with her. I can see why it would be a problem. What if they have family travelling from out of town? It's a bit of a pain for family who has to travel to go to two weddings in two months.

I had a problem like this a few weeks ago. My fiance's cousin who is also my friend wanted to know if it'd be a problem if she got married two weeks before ours meanwhile we had started booking our things immediately after getting engaged, and she had been engaged for a few years. I was fine with it, and he wasn't, and after some drama, she's not doing it anymore, and it's been forgotten for now.

Message edited 10/20/2003 9:54:16 AM.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

We went through the same thing. My brother and his wife got engaged in April 2003. My DH and I knew that we were getting engaged but DH took his sweet little time (didn't happen until June 2002) ANyway, my brother and his wife live in California but were getting married in New Hampshire. They asked me if it was OK for them to marry in June and I was a little dissapointed but at that point we still weren't engaged so what could I say. There was no way I wanted to wait a year to marry (I was getting older) and we originally looked for October (which is only 4 months apart) October booked quickly and Sept was out b/c DHs friend was getting married. We ended up booking Aug 29 (just 2 months after my brother). AT first I felt bad about it but then everyone I talked to said it's your wedding, have it when you want. It's not about convenience for everyone. We couldn't have been happier about our decision. It turns out we got married on our 4 year anniversary and it was such a beautiful loving day with no complaints from anyone.

The downside was that a few of my cousins didn't make it to our wedding. They all had to travel for both of our weddings and for some it was easier to come to ours and for some it was easier to go to my brothers. They worked out whatever was best for them and we were all happy.

They must do what is best for them. I completely understand that they don't want to wait another year and they shouldn't have to. People will understand and will be happy for them.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I am in a very similar situation...my FI older brother got engaged 3 Days...yes I said DAYS after I did. My FI planned for 3 months...he just woke up and thought today would be a good day. He is getting married 6 weeks after me. It was a serious problem for me in the beginning. I cried when I found out...I had only been engaged three days when they got engaged..so I felt like the pulled the carpet out from under us. Now it is not such a big deal...but I do feel I will never forget how he made me feel. We have been very careful to keep everything seperate and very different. It hasn't been too bad. Good Luck to your friend.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I know I have responded to this post already but after reading the mixed emotions I just wanted to give a reason why I feel so strongly about this type of situation.
The only reason that this is such an open wound for myself and FH, my FSIL and FBIL were not engaged at all when they annouced that they picked a date and booked a hall the same weekend of my SURPRISE engagement. And with my FSIL it has been notihng but competition, she has to be the center of attention all the time and my FH and i feel slighted by his family members.

Re: Two weddings/one family/one summer?

I don't understand why it would offend family...but I've never been in the situation, so who knows.

I know in FHs family, they had 3 weddings over the course of 12 months - in a family of 7 siblings...#5 got married, then #4, then #1 - no one was put off, they all had the wedding they wanted - everyone was overjoyed that everyone else was happy and marrying their love.

Message edited 10/20/2003 9:15:31 PM.