Sensitive Note to write...

As you know we are having a big Surprise Bday party for my mom.

There is one close friend-of-the-family, (we've known the whole family all our lives). They are absolutely on our "invite" list, but here's the sensitive story..
The hubby recently passed away (Aug 1st). He has been ill for many years, pretty much house-bound, and his wife has worked very very hard taking care of him. He was only 59. Although he was very ill, the death was unexpected because he was undergoing surgery to better his conditions... and "supposedly" (although only God knows) something went wrong in surgery....

My mom has spoken to the wife several times in the past month. She is not used to having so much "free time" and feels guilty even visiting her daughters or staying the night. Her daughters are constantly telling her "Go out, do things, daddy would want you to!" Although they are all terribly hurt and devastated, they do want their mom to enjoy things that she wasnt able to enjoy before. She has lived a life full of hard work and devotion to her hubby...

Now we know that at this party, there will be many "paesans" of ours and hers, that would most likely comfort her to see, and hopefully she will chat and mingle and have a few hours of relaxation.

OK, my question.
Im going to send them an invite, as a courtesy, to let them know they are invited, but on the other hand, I feel awkward because of the old tradition of "You CANT celebrate, a family member just passed". If this were my grandmother, she would not even turn on the radio for YEARSSSS after my nonno passed away...
My question is - Do I add a little note to the invite? Ive already sent them a sympathy card, and we all attended the wake...

Tangent
We had family members of John's that came to the wedding, and it was less than 2 months after their dad passed away, but they felt it would be a good "healing" experience for them to be around family, and they cried when I danced with my dad , but they were sooo happy to be there...

Does this make sense? Advice ?

Thanks!

Message edited 9/10/2003 8:53:41 AM.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

Oh! I am so sorry! This is such a sad situation. My advise to you is to invite her and just write something short in the invitation....just to let her know that you really want her there and you hope she comes. You never know, it might be just what she needs right now. Whatever happens, I hope it all works out and once again I am sorry you are going through this.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

I would write a little note saying I really hope you & your daughters can come. I know my Mom would love to see you there.

If you go on "too" much it might set off unwanted sadness. (Do you know what I mean)

Message edited 9/10/2003 9:06:45 AM.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

That's a hard one.

I would out of courtesy send an invite...but I would also send a little note. Just out of respect.

I would let her know that it would be nice to see her, but you all will understand if she chooses not to come.

-She may also decline cause there will be SO many people there...I personally wouldn't want to face everyone at one time. It's hard cause everyone gives you the pitty party and makes you feel worse...even though that it NOT their intention. People react and handle things defferently.

I assume she is Italian?? Cause this sounds like my family.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

I would try not to feel awkward about sending the invite - I would feel worse if this family friend thought for a second that she wasn't welcome (I know she is more then 1000000% welcome).

I wouldn't put a note in the invite though she knows she is not obligated to attend and can decline or accept. Maybe talk to her children and let them know that you understand and sympathize with the situation but just hopes that their mother will consider coming to the party so they can relay that info to their mother when the subject comes up.

When my father passed away it was very hard and still is sometimes for my mother to socialize with old friends they both spent time with. That's when she feels most alone and your friend may feel this way as well especially since the death of her husband is so recent.

I am sorry for your friend's loss.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

Thanks ladies. Yep we're Italian

We plan to invite daughters and their families also. We attend eachothers weddings and other big events. My mom would stop by to see her/them all the time on her "taking a walk" ventures fo years...

I guess I'll put a little note. Gotta decide what to say.. My brother also said to make it short and brief...

Message edited 9/10/2003 10:03:06 AM.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

I think a note with the invite would be nice. Something to say that you want her there, but understand that she is still grieving and may not feel ready. Offer to get together and visit when she is ready too. Maybe you, your sister and your mom and her and her daughters could all do lunch when she feels ready

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

I would send the invite but not offer symphaties again if you already did

maybe just write a note how you cannot wait and are looking forward to seeing her!

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

I agree with the other ladies wo said send an invite and include a short note. Maybe you can write something like "We know this is a very sad time but hope you will come and enjoy the afternoon (or evening) with us. We'd love to see you".

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

clueless that sounds perfect !!
thanks ladies!
I hate to write a note that sounds selfish or insensitive, and the way you worded it is perfect!

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

i agree-
add a little personal note(not too long) to there invite

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

Anna who was it that died? Anyone I know?

Before you send the invite and note speak to the daughters and get their input. It's hard when someone passes away but sometimes it does help to have people around you.

When my grandmother died in June of 2001 we all got an invitation to my counsin's wedding. We went. My cousin couldnt cancel, grandma died two and a half months before the wedding. I know she would have wanted us all to go and be together. We knew she was going to pass away but we were still sad.

I too understand how italian families are when it comes to a family member passing away. I remember when my uncle died over 10 years ago we couldnt have the tv on or the radio. We couldnt even put up our christmas tree that year and he died in the beginning of the year in February. But some things are changing. When my grandma passed away we had the TV on and Radio and celebrated the holidays...The way I see it is that my Nonna (that's grandma in italian) would not want us to sit around and mourn. My mom had a dream about her the other day where she and her sisters were crying over her and my grandmother was like "are you still crying for me, just stop it now and get on with your lives, i'm fine now" God Bless Her she was the best.

Oh Anna do you remember that stuffed animal you gave her once for her birthday? The one she grew attached too? Well after she died I gave it to Rob because he never got to meet her. So I gave him one of her favorite things and while unpacking some of his things Rob must have found it cuz I came home one night and found it on top of his computer monitor on Display...aweeeeeee...I had to grab that stuffed animal and hug it which I swear still has her smell on it a little....

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

AWEEEE Yes I remember "pubiddo" (did I say it right? you sicilians! )

I emailed you about who it was.

Re: Sensitive Note to write...

Close, it's actually spelled "Pupiddu" It's pronounced as "Poo-pee-do" if you want to get technical. Sicilian dialect is the best baby!