Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

Maybe you can help me with this one. My FH are getting marriend in my grandparents' church. I requested it bc they have both passed away (G'pa in '82 and G'ma in '92). Additionally two of their sons (my uncles) have also passed on (one in Vietnam in '66 and the other in '78 or '79). This is my dad's family. The only way I can have them at my wedding is in spirit and I thought their church is the closest way of accomplishing that.

I have an enormous adoration for those from my dad's side who have passed on. (No close extended family from my mom's side has passed away, knock on wood.)

Because of my love for them, I was hoping to present each of my dad's siblings (two sister and a brother) and my dad a tulip for each member of his immediate family that has passed away. I wanted it to be part of the ceremony.

I brought the idea up to FH and he didn't like it because he said then he'd have to do the same for his family. Both sets of his grandparents have passed away. He never knew his paternal grandparents at all. He's lost several paternal uncles as well.

I understand his point - he is not close with his extended family at all. And if we did have to honor everyone, we'd be there all night. And if we honor just my family, his family will think it is a slap in the face.

But I really want to honor my family, and I'd prefer it a public honor. What do you think I should do?

Some things I've thought of are to reserve the first four seats of the family pew by placing the tulips on the pew.

I also thought of having my two aunts and uncle walk down the aisle with their tulips but then would my dad walk with them, then come back to get me?

Another idea I had is to have each aunt and my uncle sit at the end of the pew and I would pass a flower to each as I walked down the aisle, but not announce that is what I am doing. (I'd tell them beforehand.) I like this idea the best but I am afriad FMIL will later ask why then get all POed because we didn't do something like that for FH's family.

What do you girls think? My family is very important to me and I want to acknowledge them on my most special day.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

Did you think about using a memory candle? This way you can say it is being lit for both families. You'll know in your heart who you are lighting it for. Nobody's feelings would get hurt.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

I considered the memory candle but I was hoping for the tulips. My grandmother LOVED tulips. When she passed away (on Mother's Day - she was living with us at the time), the tulips were in bloom. My dad picked one from our yard and placed it across her chest while we waited for the coroner to come. So the tulip is an important part of the honor to me.

I guess also that my FH doesn't feel the need to honor his family because he didn't really know any of them except his maternal g'parents. He only feels the need if I do it so no one is offended. I think that is a silly reason, and I would hope no one would be offended but they don't particularly care for me, so they look for things to pick on.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

My Grandmother passed away 4 years ago and I was very close to her, so in her memory I asked my florist to make a dozen white roses for me and my FH can place them by holy Marys statue. Just an idea for you.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

Talk to your FIL , have FH talk to them and tell them what you want to do and see if they will be offended. Have a bouquet of tulips made to bring to your Grandparents. They idea of putting them on the seats in the pews is good too. I am going to put a single red rose in one seat at the church and at the reception for my brother.

The empty seat I am leaving will be out of everyone's way. Me and my Immediate family will know what it means.

Message edited 4/17/2003 4:42:46 PM.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

I think that using tulips as decorations, photographs in an entry way, and a nice poem/mention in the program is the way to go. Leaving empty seats etc can seem somewhat morbid at such a happy occassion.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

Hi emdonlon,

Would have to agree with your FH. Even if his family is a bunch of jerks, it would still be offensive to recognize the members of your family who've passed on and not the members of his family. It could be just one more thing that will drive a wedge between you and his family. I would go with the memory candle and give the tulips to your family members privately.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

I guess you girls are right, I can't really do what I want w/o offending anyone, which I certainly don't want to do. So maybe I'll do the tulips privately to my family because I don't think FH wants to do anything for his family.

I hope I didn't come across as spiteful against his family. I am not, really! I just love and honor my family (of which I am so very happy that my FH will be joining) very much and want the world to know that I guess.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

You didn't come across spiteful at all, and I completely understand. I'm very close with my family, too. Am just thinking of how his family would take it and how that might affect your future with them.

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

Thanks - I was hoping I didn't sound like I didn't care about them or their losses to their family. I don't want to tick them off, I just want to honor my family. Thanks again!

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

I think that if I honored my mother who has passed and did not honor my FI father in our ceremony it would look a bit odd.

IMO, you should either honor both side or none at all. JMO thought

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

you could also ask them (if oyu are having a reigious ceremony at all!) to recognize their names during the ceremony

Re: Honoring my grandparents and two uncles (long one - sorry)

We tried not to focus on death at the wedding...since its supposed to be a happy day...and my grandfather passed away less than 2 weeks before our wedding

what we did...
**listed the people who passed away on the back of our programs
**we were married on 7/14 (Bastille Day in France) and wrote about it in our program...honoring DH's father, as he was french
**I gave my cousin my grandfathers bout (which was ordered...and I never thought to cancel)...maybe you could get tulip bouts and corsages for your dads siblings

we also gave both of our mothers roses when we walked down the aisle...maybe you could give both sides tulips instead...