I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I know I'm taking DH's name, but the middle name thing (keep my middle name, or make my maiden name my middle name) is still not fully decided.

I have my marriage license but haven't officially changed my name yet because of this indecision. On one hand, I feel like I'm "supposed to" just drop my maiden name altogether, but every time I go on facebook all of my married college and law school friends have the First Maiden Married and I get jealous of them when I see it. I've been using facebook as a trial run (I currently have my name as First Maiden Married... which was very easy for me to adjust to but one night I changed it to just First Married and only lasted 2 minutes before changing it back)

It doesn't help that my law school e-mail is my old name (first initial, middle initial, maiden name) and I'm not going to change it because it's on my resume, and it's my main email -- only have one year left of school anyway. I find myself using all 3 names right now (Jennifer Maiden, Jennifer Married, and Jennifer Maiden Married)

I had to sign a FedEX package for DH the other day and I didnt know what to do so i just scribbled on the display, but the guy asked me what my name was (so he could enter it in the system) and i kind of said i didnt know, we just got married, so it just has "Jennifer" no last name lol

I feel like it's too easy to keep using my old name for things and wonder if making my maiden name my middle is not fully committing? i was all set to change my middle name and now i'm having my doubts again.

i know i just need to pick something, anything, and commit to it so i feel like i have an identity again... i wish i decided before the wedding so i had more time to get used to it

Message edited 9/7/2008 6:45:51 PM.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I hear ya...I went through the same exact thing at first. I had an identity crisis for the longest time. It does get better though...I'm starting to get used to my new name. It might help to pick one name and just go with it for everything, rather than using different names for different situations.. It might seem werid at first but eventually it will seem normal.

I think people on Facebook have their names that way so people from the past can find them using their maiden name....I know thats what I did.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I also feel or felt the same way you do. I just got around to changing my name on my social security card and at the dmv....and I was not too happy about it. I figured taking his name would be the easiest thing...and I thought maybe I was making a bigger deal about it than it was. I still say my maiden name for things, but I guess it will be easier with time. I made a clean break...but I understand where you are coming from.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I was excited to change my name ... but don't use Facebook as an indication of what girls actually do regarding keeping their name.

I signed up after we were already married as FirstName MarriedName, and found myself having to explain who I was when I sent friend requests. Sooooo I changed my Facebook account to FirstName MaidenName MarriedName. But I am fully using DH's last name in real life.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I didn't change my name for that reason to be honest. I've been me for 30 years and didn't see the need. DH couldn't have cared less.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

Dont worry too much about facebook. I would keep both names on there,

I havent changed my name officially yet either (I know, 5 months later and what am I waiting for)

I am going to hyphenate it. The people at the marriage license office said I could use either or both that way. I'm keeping my maiden for work, but his for important stuff like mortgage and banks.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I have a hard time with this as well. I actually cried in the social security office because I didn't want to change my name. I am lucky though, because I am a teacher so I kept my maiden name there, and that was helpful to me. I feel like it was too hard to let my old name go, but DH hated that I didn't take his name, and it became a huge fight between us. I guess each person feels differently, and for some of us it is just harder than others

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I feel funny too sometimes....I am keeping my maiden name, but it feels odd sometimes. My husband says he likes me with my name, and women in my industry normally keep their names, but part of me just want to be a Mrs.!

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I changed my name to FirstName, Middlename, MarriedName. On facebook i use first maiden married. THat way if people who don't know i got married search for me, they know who I am. It's not really a good indication of what people actually do. I was hesitant to change my name at first. I felt like I wasn't part of my family anymore. I got over it and now i'm glad that DH and i have the same last name. My kids at work call me Mrs. New Last Name. Now that I'm getting used to it, I actually like it!

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

sorry double post

Message edited 9/7/2008 10:00:22 PM.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I plan to go by Mrs. Married socially, it's just a matter of what my legal full name should be (for my law school diploma, law firm name plate, whether I'll be Jennifer A. Married or Jennifer Maiden Married on legal documents at work, etc)

I did tell my professors to call me by my new name so things should start feeling different soon... I told DH that instead of calling me "jen" he should call me "Jennifer Married" whenever he talks to me so I can get used to hearing it.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

i dropped my maiden name. honestly, i did not even think twice about it. i couldn't wait to take DH's last name!

it was a PAIN IN THE BUTT, but i changed it on everything. i called my undergrad and grad schools and had them put my new name on the record. i was also in the middle of licensing for CA state speech-language pathology and audiology boards and i had them change it too. i also used my married name on my certificate of clinical competence. everything basically! it was annoying and not fun, but now everything is uniform with my married name.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

Honestly, girls on facebook don't use their legal names. My cousin took her married name and dropped her maiden name completely, but she uses both on fbook. I think most girls do it so people can find them and easily recognize them.

As far as the identity thing goes...do what feels right to you. You don't HAVE TO do anything. I legally took both last names, but I'll practice strictly under my maiden name. My professional life and degree are apart of me and not my marriage (IMHO) and it was very important to me to stay the same "me" I was throughout my undergrad and law school. In my personal life...I took both names so that I can figure out what to do. I'm looking at it like taking both is training wheels - I'm going to try to go by my married last name but I think for me it's going to be a big adjustment. I'm just super independent and I do feel the same identity crisis issues. So hopefully one day I'll get there where I'll just be "Mrs. S" in my personal life...but I'm not there yet, and I'm OK w/that for now.

Message edited 9/7/2008 11:00:35 PM.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

---

Posted by JB1122

Honestly, girls on facebook don't use their legal names. My cousin took her married name and dropped her maiden name completely, but she uses both on fbook. I think most girls do it so people can find them and easily recognize them.

As far as the identity thing goes...do what feels right to you. You don't HAVE TO do anything. I legally took both last names, but I'll practice strictly under my maiden name. My professional life and degree are apart of me and not my marriage (IMHO) and it was very important to me to stay the same "me" I was throughout my undergrad and law school. In my personal life...I took both names so that I can figure out what to do. I'm looking at it like taking both is training wheels - I'm going to try to go by my married last name but I think for me it's going to be a big adjustment. I'm just super independent and I do feel the same identity crisis issues. So hopefully one day I'll get there where I'll just be "Mrs. S" in my personal life...but I'm not there yet, and I'm OK w/that for now.

---

Message edited 9/8/2008 12:27:21 AM.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

I hear what your saying.

On facebook though, the reason so many people put both names is because if you have lost touch with anyone, and they dont know your married they will never find you.

I have Nicole Maiden, Married on facebook but i am just keeping my married name.

If your DH does not have a problem with you keeping it then you should.

Re: I feel like I have no identity... (long)

everyone does that on facebook for all the reasons the others said. I am actually the only married one i know who didn't - it's still just my first and last (not married) name. Just the fact that you are taking your DH's last name and you know that is half the battle, i think. because of the lawyer thing and depending on what you decide to practice under I would tend to use your maiden as a middle, but it's personal preference.

i didn't and won't be taking dh's last name anytime soon [especially not at work] but i don't make a big deal out of it and people already send us mail and refer to us as mr and mrs married, which is fine with me - I don't correct them. and it's GREAT and there's been no hassles about changing names. so do whatever you feel the most comfortable with.