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SB7308
#1 Giants Fan!!
Member since 6/07 8270 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/3/2008 7:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Windows on the Lake
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by KK Holiday
i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!
if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.
ITA
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Posted 5/12/08 1:37 PM 
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jessnstu08
Loving my DH more each day
Member since 1/08 2439 total posts
Wedding Date:
9/13/2008 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
Royalton
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
My MOH told me she did this to keep track to give the exact amount back , I had no idea people actually did this !
I would never generate such a list so I can give the exact amount back in the future! My financial situation is completely different now , and because of that I give more!
tit- for tat is not my style and if your not comfortable , don't do it. I don't care if "everyone" does it this way, it is up to you and what your comfortable with
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Posted 5/12/08 1:41 PM
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Munchkn16
I'm officially Mrs. M!!
Member since 10/06 2137 total posts
Wedding Date:
5/25/2008 6:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Harbor Club - A+
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by ttw910
I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.
We did this too, but it was more so we could refer to the gift in our TY notes.
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Posted 5/12/08 1:41 PM
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bluekat16
185=Y 94=N
Member since 1/08 9645 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/27/2008 4:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Jericho Terrace - Dome Room
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I'm keeping a list but for tallying purposes in terms of what we are taking to the bank and also for thank you card purposes. After that I'll probably never look at the list again.
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Posted 5/12/08 1:41 PM
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Snick n Nick
Lovin my Husby :) bzz bzz....
Member since 10/07 4800 total posts
Wedding Date:
6/7/2008 3:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Hamlet Willow Creek
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by KK Holiday
i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!
if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.
I have to agree....we might make this list for ourselves to keep track and make sure we got all checks deposited, but I certainly wouldn't share it with anyone else or make gifting decisions based on it. Some people are more well-off than others....I'm just not that tit-for-tat situation I guess! To each his own!
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Posted 5/12/08 1:41 PM
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EsquireBride
Dress due to arrive soon...
Member since 2/08 1203 total posts
Wedding Date:
2/16/2009 3:30 PM
Wed. Location:
Booked!
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I would be uncomfortable giving away the list to her (although you should definitely make one for yourself). Just because someone gave you a small amount now doesn't mean that they should get one in return (maybe they just lost their job, or are still in school... and they gave the most they could). Or maybe they gave you a smaller cash gift because they bought you something great from your registry but it was expensive....
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Posted 5/12/08 1:53 PM
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DGoldfarb0776
Blissfully Married :-)
Member since 2/07 5339 total posts
Wedding Date:
3/9/2008 11:30 AM
Wed. Location:
Russo's on the Bay A+++
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I only kept a list really for DH and I - just for our eyes only- there were some that were overly generous that we want to do something (on our own) special for and to show our appreciation.
DH wasn't really around when I started to open the cards and tally up everything (he didn't care at the time  )
I wouldn't tell anyone else tho who gave exactly what to us. I always thought that was tacky and I am not a tit-for-tat person.
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Posted 5/12/08 1:56 PM
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DSNY08
"I'm Addicted"
Member since 9/06 1175 total posts
Wedding Date:
10/4/2008 3:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Booked!
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Message edited 11/21/2008 11:51:48 AM.
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Posted 5/12/08 2:19 PM
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mRm2008
♥♥♥
Member since 12/07 5770 total posts
Wedding Date:
9/27/2008 1:00 PM
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I would only make a list for FH and I to be accountable for depositing and properly thanking our guests. It would end there.
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Posted 5/12/08 2:34 PM
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lillprincess54
Loving life as a WIFEY
Member since 2/08 2987 total posts
Wedding Date:
3/29/2008 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
the Marion House
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
my mom and mil asked for it too, i have a copy of it myself.
i dont think its a big deal
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Posted 5/12/08 2:42 PM
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cbcf
FINAL COUNT 166
Member since 10/06 6511 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/20/2008 3:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Jericho Terrace- Dome Room
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by GinaZ
Posted by Bella77
Um... I wouldn't do it if it doesn't matter to you.
I only wrote it down because I wanted to tally amounts for the bank, and make sure I accounted for everyone's cards for thank you's.
Same thing for me. I dont think I would ever use it as a refernce point. I know in 2 years when I go to my best friends wedding, I hope I am in a financial situation where I can afford to give her more than she gave us. I dont like the whole matching thing. If someone really wealthy came to my wedding and gave an extremely generous gift, i dont think they would be mad if we couldnt afford to give the same. I can see wy this made you uncomfortable.
i agree....FILs did this for our e-party and FH told them. I was shocked and felt uncomfortable. Plus they have no right in needing to know about what my side of the family gave or friends. No Need. Plus I agree with what you said you never know peoples financial issues. So a year or two down the road when that person gets married or has an event you are going to be stiff with what you give them just because htey didnt give you a certain amount--- i don't do the whole matching thing either. I give what I can give and always try to give a good amount especially for those i love and care about and are closer to me.
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Posted 5/12/08 2:44 PM
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TheFutureMrsM
Day After Pics Sept 27th
Member since 11/05 5515 total posts
Wedding Date:
6/7/2008 7:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Sans Souci
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I would give her the list, its not a big deal, and if she has weddings coming up of people it would be nice so she knows how much to give them.
Here is something that hapened to me this month, we were invited to a wedding from FIL's side, and we can not go its next weekend in florida, so we sent back our RSVP card with a check for 200 dollars, expecting them to do the same if they rsvp no to ours, well the rsvp came with no check
I told FIL's and htey were like well maybe they are sending it, we got a gift in the mail off the registry, which was 40 dollars.
My Inlaws were fuming mad...they could not belive that they would do that.
THey told me that now when they go to the wedding they are giving way way less.
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Posted 5/12/08 4:38 PM
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Mizzdimple
Finally in Contract!
Member since 3/07 10176 total posts
Wedding Date:
2/22/2008 5:00 PM
Wed. Location:
RuSsO's on Da BaY!
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I would do it b/c i had some missing envelopes., and that helped me determined who it was....
checks involved and such....
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Posted 5/12/08 4:52 PM
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Mimacat
Done!
Member since 6/07 9965 total posts
Wedding Date:
10/11/2008 1:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Miller Place Inn
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
I'd definitely make a list. I made one for my eparty, and now I know what to return to people when they get married, etc.
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Posted 5/12/08 5:24 PM
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Lil83108
Almost there...
Member since 4/08 1029 total posts
Wedding Date:
8/31/2008 12:00 AM
Wed. Location:
Marina Del Rey!
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
This isn't unusual...lost of people do this. We plan on doing the same thing.
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Posted 5/12/08 5:28 PM
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colleen1117
Board Fanatic
Member since 7/07 867 total posts
Wedding Date:
10/17/2008 5:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Woodbury CC
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by ldrenckhahn
Posted by GardenPartyBride
I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money. FMIL said she wanted me to make down a list of the amounts and give it to her.
I don't believe in the tit for tat for wedding gifts personally - I give $500 (for me and FI) when I go to a wedding because I think that's a generous gift, and it's basically all that I can afford to give based on my budget - I never ask other people what they are giving, or try to think of it in terms of gifts they give me, or analyze how much they spent to throw the wedding and at the same time, I neither expect nor care if those people give me a similar amount - throwing a wedding isn't an investment, and for some of the people I invited, I would be so appreciative if they make the effort to attend that any gift would be totally irrelevant. My family agrees.
His family is more tit-for-tat, they will all discuss beforehand how much each of them plan to give, and they all discuss how much they spend on their weddings and what amounts they received, etc. I've tried really hard not to disclose how much things for my wedding cost (FI and I are footing the bill) basically because that kind of gossip and competition makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want people discussing my personal budgets for things.
At the end of the day, I just don't see myself making out this list without feeling very uncomfortable. How to tell FMIL that is another story - FI offered to do it (which in my mind doesn't make it better because it's not a matter of the time to make the list, but the fact that it isn't really right to ask us to make the list), but I'm sure at the end of the day if it doesn't get done, they will follow up with me about it.
I agree with you 110% What you could do is just tell her that you'll do it and then when she follows up you can say that you lost it, it got deleted off your computer, or you forgot...this way you can avoid the confrontation and still feel like you are doing the "right thing" for yourself.
add me to the agree with this list! I can't imagine referencing a list for future weddings. lol - not to mention we're sort of the last ones to tie the knot - lol if my side or his side reference a list of what we gave at their weddings - some of them 6-8 years ago - well.....
i really believe you give what you can and what you're comfortable with at that time in your life. hahah if this is the case i can expect a few cards with a $50 in them from when i was in college and had nothing! lolol - side note - this would be fine for me. as far as FMIL - if you and your fiance agree - just play the 'we forgot to list by guest..oops. tell her you separated all the funds and made a list to check that you had everything deposited but didn't note who gave what amount -
at the end - do whats comfortable for you!
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Posted 5/12/08 5:45 PM
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lyss0908
I love being a MRS!
Member since 9/07 2187 total posts
Wedding Date:
10/19/2008 11:00 AM
Wed. Location:
Fox Hollow-Garden Terrace
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by ttw910
I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.
I agree, my FMIL does the same thing and even goes so far as to write down what she WORE to someone's affair so that she would never wear the outfit again if they were going to be there!
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Posted 5/12/08 5:51 PM
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betani
i'm married!!
Member since 8/06 1667 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/5/2008 6:00 PM
Wed. Location:
the irish coffee pub
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by GardenPartyBride
I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money.
same here, it makes it much easier for me to keep track of thank yous and if i have/haven't deposited a check - especially with the gifts we're getting with "no" rsvps. we won't be using what they gave as a point of reference, however.
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Posted 5/12/08 6:27 PM
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JBoothIn2008
I'm a newlywed!
Member since 3/07 9079 total posts
Wedding Date:
10/25/2008 1:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Fox Hollow
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
Posted by KK Holiday
i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!
if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.
I agree 100%. The amount a person gives you is personal - or at least to me it is. Giving that information to anyone else is sharing information that the gift giver may not have wanted anyone to know - what if they are going through a bad time and can only give a small amount, but didn't want the family to know they are going through a rough patch??? I would never give that info out and if it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't either. A gift should not be based on what someone gave you, either. A gift is a gift and should be based on your income at the time and your relationship with the person, not what they gave you.
Good luck!
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Posted 5/12/08 6:28 PM
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madseason
I am the Bobble Head
Member since 3/06 7867 total posts
Wedding Date:
5/25/2008 3:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Hamlet Willow Creek
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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q
You should always make a list to keep track of what people give you - the record comes in handy when writing thank yous
But the purpose she wants it for is a little unethical - but shes not going to change.
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Posted 5/12/08 6:29 PM
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