FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

My FMIL told us she wants me and FI to make a list of the amount of $ that each guest gives us, which I thought was shocking. She said she wants the list so that when she goes to a wedding that the guest throws, she will give them the same amount that they gave us. This request made me sort of uncomfortable - but what am I supposed to do?

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

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Posted by GardenPartyBride

My FMIL told us she wants me and FI to make a list of the amount of $ that each guest gives us, which I thought was shocking. She said she wants the list so that when she goes to a wedding that the guest throws, she will give them the same amount that they gave us. This request made me sort of uncomfortable - but what am I supposed to do?

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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I say just cooperate and do it. It's not that big of an issue and my family always does that. Its not as bad as it looks,really, just tradition I guess. My Mom told FH the same thing this past weekend and I told him to just roll with it.

Don't worry.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Um... I wouldn't do it if it doesn't matter to you.
I only wrote it down because I wanted to tally amounts for the bank, and make sure I accounted for everyone's cards for thank you's.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

FMIL asked the same of us for the e-party. She wanted to know every gift that their side gave us, so she could do a similar type thing for future events. I didn't think it was that weird of a request. I wrote everything down anyway so I just emailed her a list. I'll do the same for the wedding if she asks.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I will definately be doing this. My mom requested it, and I have alot of unmarried people coming who will be getting married, and I will know what to give them

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

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Posted by Bella77

Um... I wouldn't do it if it doesn't matter to you.
I only wrote it down because I wanted to tally amounts for the bank, and make sure I accounted for everyone's cards for thank you's.

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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

Everyone I know does this...We are making a list. I really makes it easier down the road.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would give her the list for her side of the family or pertaining to them. I did this with FH's family, I didnt give them my side

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I completely disagree! If this makes you uncomfortable I would not do it. If she is the tit-for-tat type of person that is her business but you never know if some time in the future it may come back to bite u in the @$$, especially if you're not the one who is concerned with it!
I am keeping track of all of the physical and monetary gifts that we receive but only because I want to send a proper "thank you"! I would never participate in that type of "you-get-what-you-give". That's JMO...

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I have heard from most friends/family that I should make a list just as they did. As far as giving it to other people, well I do not think it is anyone elses business what someone gives you for a gift. That is just my personal opinion.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

i dont see this as a huge deal. a lot of people keep track of this. if she wants to give back what you guys got, that doesnt have anything to do with you and what you choose to give, imo. its her own reference point.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I would definitely make the list.

BUT dont give it to her. Have FH deal with her and tell her if she needs to know anything he will handle it when the time arrises (ie when the wedding happens).

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

MIL asked the same from me, and i did it. she only wanted the people from her side of the family, so i really had no problem with it. BIL did the same for her when he got married.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money. FMIL said she wanted me to make down a list of the amounts and give it to her.

I don't believe in the tit for tat for wedding gifts personally - I give $500 (for me and FI) when I go to a wedding because I think that's a generous gift, and it's basically all that I can afford to give based on my budget - I never ask other people what they are giving, or try to think of it in terms of gifts they give me, or analyze how much they spent to throw the wedding and at the same time, I neither expect nor care if those people give me a similar amount - throwing a wedding isn't an investment, and for some of the people I invited, I would be so appreciative if they make the effort to attend that any gift would be totally irrelevant. My family agrees.

His family is more tit-for-tat, they will all discuss beforehand how much each of them plan to give, and they all discuss how much they spend on their weddings and what amounts they received, etc. I've tried really hard not to disclose how much things for my wedding cost (FI and I are footing the bill) basically because that kind of gossip and competition makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want people discussing my personal budgets for things.

At the end of the day, I just don't see myself making out this list without feeling very uncomfortable. How to tell FMIL that is another story - FI offered to do it (which in my mind doesn't make it better because it's not a matter of the time to make the list, but the fact that it isn't really right to ask us to make the list), but I'm sure at the end of the day if it doesn't get done, they will follow up with me about it.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

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Posted by ttw910

I would definitely make a list to keep track of the amounts your guests gave. Everyone that I know that is married has done this. This way you can use it as a reference for any of your friends or family's weddings in the future.

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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I am going to be keeping a list. I kept one for my e party as well as my shower....My mom wants to know what her friends give so that she can do whatever in return when their kids get married. I think it's completely appropriate.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I did this for my shower and wedding and made copies for my mother and MIL. I think its a great idea and I have referred to it for every event I have attended since the wedding.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable I would make the list for yourself but then be prepared for her to call you before she has to go to an event in the future.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

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Posted by GardenPartyBride

I'm definitely making a list for my own reference of what people give us for thank you card purposes - but I wasn't planning on writing down the amounts, just what the item was for items and money if they gave us money. FMIL said she wanted me to make down a list of the amounts and give it to her.

I don't believe in the tit for tat for wedding gifts personally - I give $500 (for me and FI) when I go to a wedding because I think that's a generous gift, and it's basically all that I can afford to give based on my budget - I never ask other people what they are giving, or try to think of it in terms of gifts they give me, or analyze how much they spent to throw the wedding and at the same time, I neither expect nor care if those people give me a similar amount - throwing a wedding isn't an investment, and for some of the people I invited, I would be so appreciative if they make the effort to attend that any gift would be totally irrelevant. My family agrees.

His family is more tit-for-tat, they will all discuss beforehand how much each of them plan to give, and they all discuss how much they spend on their weddings and what amounts they received, etc. I've tried really hard not to disclose how much things for my wedding cost (FI and I are footing the bill) basically because that kind of gossip and competition makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want people discussing my personal budgets for things.

At the end of the day, I just don't see myself making out this list without feeling very uncomfortable. How to tell FMIL that is another story - FI offered to do it (which in my mind doesn't make it better because it's not a matter of the time to make the list, but the fact that it isn't really right to ask us to make the list), but I'm sure at the end of the day if it doesn't get done, they will follow up with me about it.

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Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

i would never use someone's gift as a reference point for what i should give them in the future! you give what you can based on the relationship you have with that person and your personal income!!!

if someone asked for a list like that i would tell them to mind their own business. it's rude in my opinion.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I will definitely make a list for myself. If my FMIL asked for a copy I'd just give her their side's info.

Message edited 5/12/2008 1:29:02 PM.

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'd be uncomfortable about doing that if my IL's asked me to do that.

They just asked me as who did NOT send us any kind of gift/card, etc.
Turns out one of FIL's brothers didn't send us anything at all and now he' furious!

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

DH's grandmother just asked us for the same thing for the same reason and I told him no way. I don't think its any of her business I told DH to tell her we lost the list, which we made for the same reason as other people (bank deposits, thank yous etc) I wouldn't do it! JMO

Re: FMIL Wants Us to Make List of Guest's Gift Amounts? Etiquette Q

I'm keeping a list for myself, but I wouldn't give the whole list to anyone. I would tell my mom or fmil to ask me how much so-and-so gave in the event that she's actually invited to so-and-so's wedding. My mom has already asked me about a couple specific relevant cases and this system seems to work fine.