HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

Hi ladies, I hope some of you can help me, or at least give me a little input into what you think of my situation. this is so really horrible, and i'm kinda at a loss.


I hope I'm not the only one who has had a very hard time deciding who to invite to my wedding.


I do hope, however that not many of you have actually been treated cruelly and received unkind words from someone because they aren't being invited to the wedding.


Basically, this is the simple wrap up.

I have a best friend (Jen) who has a best friend (Carol) who is an aquaintance of mine. We went to high school together (8 years ago), but the only reason we have even spoken or hung out in the past year is because she is friend's with Jen, and has come along when we hang out together. (which is a total of 5 times in the past 4 years.)


There's been something uncomfortable in the air for the past few months from my friend Jen, but she has said not a word to me and when I try to talk to her or make plans with her, she says she can't make it, or had other plans, etc.


So the **** hit the fan when they were going out for Carol's birthday and I wanted to come out (of course i would like to, I had no idea there was a problem happening) and mine and Jen's mutual friend (also my best friend) Anne called me to tell me (because Jen placed her in the middle and made her call because she wouldn't and Anne didn't want to leave me hanging about going out that night) that Jen and Carol decided they didn't want me coming out for Carol's birthday because, and i quote "You shouldn't be invited out for her birthday if she isn't invited to your wedding."


I guess that's why I wasn't invited out for my best friend Jen's birthday either, the week before.


The irony is that Carol wasn't not invited to my wedding. She was on the hypothetical "b-list". How she found out? Guess Jen decided to disregard her best friend's feelings and tell her. But the most ridiculous thing is that she was most likely going to be invited to the wedding, but I was just playing it safe.



So i am just plainly disgusted by this, and disgusted by Jen, who is supposed to be a good friend of mine. There has always been problems between Jen and I, almost as if she thrives off it -- and never in my life have I ever had a problem or fight with any other family or friends, i'm very easy to get along with. It has only ever been problems with Jen. We would not talk to years at a time, and then I would always go back to her like an idiot.


After this, it just feels so thoughtless and inconsiderate, I really decided that I want nothing to do with Jen or Carol anymore. I'm an adult and have no time or energy for this selfish irrationality.


I decided the best thing to do is to write a letter to my friend Jen. (I would call her, but I'm not the best at confrontation, i get flustered and upset and can't articulate myself at alllll -- but being able to write everything down clearly seemed to be my best bet).



I'm sorry this post is so long!!!! I guess this is more of a rant than a vent!


*****update******

I decided to delete the letter from the forum! I appreciate soooo much all the time and thought that all you have put into this post.

I think that even if there's the smallest chance that they catch wind of this letter on here, there will be more reasons for these people to try to cause more problems -- and i really just don't want them to have a reason to have contact with me anymore!


Thank you all again for your support in this. I absolutely needed that.


--Penny

Message edited 12/3/2007 10:58:30 AM.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

wow how childish!! i am so sorry you have to deal with this. I think the letter is fine! hopefully she responds and things get worked out!! good luck!! and welcome to the boards!!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

WOW!!! Good job. I think the letter is great and you come off very classy and I think she will feel awful when she reads it. you are totally right for everything you feel. Just move on and keep in mind that you are better off for knowing this about her and you don't need pettiness in your life or aggravation. I cant understand why people get so offended by invites and all of that.... don't they realize we are all on budgets and limited to space? Good for you!!!!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

i think you did a great job explaining yourself and the situation in the letter. and i totally agree that this whole thing is so childish...but we often revert to childish moments from time to time. i hope everything works out. kudos on being the better person and trying to be as civilized and professional about it.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I'm so glad you wrote that letter.. good for you!!!! I'm sure you'll feel better once you send it. And you're right, their behavior isn't acceptable and you're smart not to want anything to do with them anymore.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I think it is just fine! Sorry you are going through this with someone who is supposed to be a friend!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

Must be nice to get that off your chest. But please be forewarned, I see this letter being passed between Jen, Carol, Anne, and whomever else they choose. Best of luck.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

great letter, i agree watch out it will probally get passed along

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

First off, seems like your "friend" Jen is really not your friend at all. Avoiding you for months because you may not have been able to invite HER best friend?? Um ok. On of my BM's has a best friend whom I've seen in the past and hung out with and like very much, but like Jen's BFF Carol, I do no have my BM's friend's number nor know anything about her personal life other than a few things mentioned in passing. She was not invited to my wedding, not because I was mean, but simply because she is a friend of a friend, not my direct girl, you know? You should not be in this situation.

Second, good for you for standing up for yourself and writing her a letter. I think, however, that your letter is a bit more than it needs to be. I feel like you are over explaining yourself when the fact of the matter is that you do not need to! Do you mind if I make a couple of suggestions? Feel free to ignore me, but I am normally a very verbose person and everyone ALWAYS tells me that less is more and in your case I would agree with that. I made a couple of changes to remove the parts that were a bit redundant. I'd even take out a paragraph or two, but only you know that you really want to say and what can be left out. Like I said, just my suggestions, feel free to ignore!:



Jen,

I write this letter to you with regard to the way you have been acting towards me for the last few months. It has become very evident that you have taken it very personally that I MAY not have been able to invite Carol to my wedding, despite the fact that I have family members that may not even be invited due to the space constraints. You have involved yourself and made this your business. You are my friend, which is why I write this letter to you and not to Carol.

While I feel that Carol is very wrong for acting like this, [TAKE OUT "BUT"] it is obvious that your loyalty lies with her, even in the face of selfish irrationality. But of course I would never kid myself into thinking that I would mean as much to you as Carol does.

Plainly speaking, I like Carol very much and we have a good time together when we hang out. However, Carol and i have hung out 5 times in the past 4 years -- I don't even have her number in my phone. I have closer friends that I have seen 10 times as many times as I've seen Carol and I have a much stronger relationship with them than I do Carol and I am even unable to invite them to my wedding. I have cousins and family that I am unable to invite to my wedding.

The irony of the entire situation is that Carol was never not invited. But i guess being on the back burner to my family and closer friends if apparently unacceptable?

The fact that Carol was informed that she MAY not be invited to my wedding was completely inappropriate as nothing was ever set in stone. And the fact that you and she have decided to exclude me from your gatherings makes it apparent that neither of you understands Ben's and my situation with space for our wedding. I would have gladly explained the situation with utmost sensitivity so that she would hopefully understand and the fact is that I did consider her feelings, but I cannot and will not place her above my family and closer friends.

If you were a friend to me, and respected my situation (regardless of how close you are with Carol) when the conversation came up about who was invited to the wedding, and you had no other choice to tell her that her invitation is up in the air (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here) you should have called me and told me what happened -- at which time I would have called Carol and spoken to her about it. But instead, for months you avoided me, avoided my plans and acted aloof -- all in the name of someone else's problem.

This whole situation reeks of passive aggression and I want no part of it. I know what my plan was, what we spoke about, what I said to you and there's nothing you can say to convince me that what I've written in this letter is not the absolute truth.

Shame on you for involving Anne in this. I'm not the big bad wolf, you can call me yourself. However, there's no need to now. There's also no need to avoid me or exclude me from anything anymore. There is no resolution to this situation.

I really and truly, sincerely mean it when I say that I am really glad that we took another chance to be friends, because I always would have wondered what might have been.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

Good for you! I bet that is a really hard thing to write and work through. Takes a lot of courage and strength to write that and send that out. I think that you are completely justified in all that you wrote and I definitely think you should send it out if you feel as though you couldnt talk to Jen in person or on the phone. Jen doesnt sound like such a good friend...id say good riddance!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I am sorry that you find yourself in such situation. I am going through something similar at work, where all my coworkers feel that I have to invite them to my wedding simply because we have lunch together. Some have even taken it upon themselves to give themselves a self invitation and speak as if they will be there. I say you are in the right and commend you for you efforts to reach out to your "friend." Lastly, I say consider MrsQ-in2007 suggestion regarding the letter.

Best Wishes!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I agree. Mrs. Q's suggestions should be taken into consideration. That being said, I applaud you for taking action I would have just simmered with anger until I said something I regretted. Good to be the more mature one.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

awesome, well stated!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

Wow. Umm I think they are being a bit high school about the whole thing. They need to grow up. I have friends through friends who are not invited and I reeally don't think they are going to be insulted by not being invited to my wedding.

I'm toatlly with you about writing a letter (no matter how harsh it sounds). I also get flustered confronting people face to face and I find writing letters gets all of my feelings accross, they way I want them to.
Sometimes I even write e-mails and letters to FH to get my feelings through. That way I can make sure I say the things I need to and can edit out the things I really don't mean. Once you say words outloud it's hard to take them back.

Best of Luck!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

good for you to take a stand!!!!!! Sorry you have to deal with this..

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

whoa... this whole situation is totally high school-ish.. the letter is nice.. it's cool to get things off your chest like that.. but... i'm not sure i'd send it..

here's my reason..


you're a grown *** woman..
you don't owe nobody *ish.. including explanations
they need to grow the h*ll on up..

oh how i i wish my only issues in life was whether or not someone invited me to their wedding.i think your letter needs some changes.. your spendign to much time trying to explain yourself to people whom you owe no explantion to.. sooooo i took the liberty of rewriting your letter for you.. you cna feel free to use parts of all of it...


dear trifling young girls..

i wish the only issue in my life is whether or not someone invited me to their wedding.. i wish i could sit around and decide that i'm not going to invite her to go out on my birthday because she may not invite me to her wedding NEXT FREAKING AUGUST!! as if you have a monoply on going out.. as if your the only freaking chicks i could go out with.. but nope.. i don't have time for that because i'm to busy being a FREAKING GROWN UP!!. You should try it.. hey here are some hints.. go get a mortgage.. get an oil bill, read the paper and take a look at the war in iraq, or the rising price of gas and a gallon of millk or just go out to the corner and kick rocks.. either way. get off my nutz and stop sweating me...


love..

________________

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I think your letter was well stated. I can't believe they are so selfish to think that they are more important than family or your other close friends to have to be considered a top priority. I'm sorry that your situation turned out the way it did, but sometimes other people start to think that weddings are all about them, and they are only guests of yours!

anyway, good luck with the whole situation. I hope it turns out well for you.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I wouldn't send that letter unless you are ready to not have this person as a friend anymore. To me honestly, the whole thing is dumb, and I try not to have people in my life who are so judgemental. It really is true that wedding bring out the best and the WORST in people. Good luck.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

Thank you so much everyone for all the help and input! you are all really so wonderful to take the time to write back (and especially to read my ridiculously long post).

I will absolutely take all of your points into consideration. I haven't mailed the letter yet! But I still do intend to send it. I understand what the consequences will most likely be -- losing this friend -- which is not an easy decision to make.

But I know that situations like this will continue to arise, and ... well.. it's not good for my health!!! I love her, always will, but there's a point when you learn that you just can't be friends with someone, no matter how hard you try.

thank you all again!

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I'm sorry for all the heartache regarding this situation. That's the last thing you need right now when planning a wedding. But I think you did a great job on the letter and you hit it right on the nose. Good luck with everything.

Re: HELP! (and a RANT and a VENT!!) Friend angry about not being invited to wedding!

I think the letter is great, but please be prepared to lose Jen as a friend - while she is in the wrong, she will probably just get mad and you will be losing a friend but it seems like you should really separate yourself from such childish people anyway

And that is so nice of Carol! Her birthday costs over $100 a person and she is paying?! WOW! That must be some birthday celebration because unless that is the case i dont see how her not being invited to your wedding has ANYTHING to do with you coming out to celebrate her birthday people are dumb, sorry you have to deal with this!