invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Without boring you all with the major details, let me start off by saying that my mom and dad have been going through a separation/divorce for the last 5 years. Up until about 8 months ago, I had a wonderful relationship with my father, but lately we have not spoken. I don't even think he'll show up at the wedding unfortunately. I've tried writing to him and so has my FH for my sake, but so far he has ignored all attempts at reconciliation so my question is this....

It's time to order invitations. My mom still feels she should put something like Mr. and Mrs. so and so invite you to the wedding of their daughter..... (by the way, she is paying for it all)

I feel as well as many others feel, if he isn't part of the wedding so far, and as upsetting as it is, I find it strange to include his name, YET what if he decides to show up or we do start talking soon, it would be awful for his name not to be there.

Please help girls. Should I leave his name off? Should we include it? Thanks!

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

I think you should include it to maintain a chance at future good relations, but I wouldn't go with Mr. and Mrs. I would do first names instead.

**BIG HUGS** So sorry you have to deal with this.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

I would put your moms name only for 2 reasons:
-she's paying for it
-you may not speak to your dad

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

OH MY GOD- I am going through the exact same thing! Not a little difference. THE SAME THING!!

My father and mother have went through a terribly wicked divorce and he recently got engaged to another woman. While I was dating my FI, he and his girlfriend would not meet him. I was telling my dad the whole time that it was getting serious- My FI met my mother, I met his parents and all that. He and his girlfriend were ALWAYS making up excuses-why they couldn't meet him-(the dog was sick, we are busy with a party we are throwing next month- you get the idea) mostly her though but he went along with it. He didn't stand up for me to her.

Soooo, when we got engaged, after one year of intense dating, mind you- my dad flipped out. My FI, according to him, was a jerk for not asking for his permission (of course, he would have said no anyway) and how could we get engaged without his permission. He has not forgiven my poor FI-whose only crime was falling in love- refuses to come to the wedding because "he doesn't know him" but doesn't want to get to know him (a.k.a that means he has to pay for a wedding and he doesn't want to pay- he is cheap). My poor mother is paying for the entire thing. My mother keeps saying that if he doesn't share in the cost, he shouldn't be allowed to come on her dime. It's a hefty admission ticket to my wedding but IMO, it's worth it. It's his first daughters wedding.


We have to do invitations soon also and I'm like what should I do? If I cut him off that invite, he doesn't ever get that back. And if he misses my wedding, there is no substitute that could ever take place after that day... the 21st of Sept, he can't walk back into my life after missing my first dance, every formal and informal picture, walking me down the aisle, etc.... I have to show my kids pics later in life and have to explain why grandpa is not there... So, leaving him off the invitation is a lot more than that- it means leaving him out of the rest of my life. Am I prepared to do that? I really don't know.

Sorry so long, but your situation really got to me and I empathize.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same situation as I am. I guess there aren't many differences except I REFUSED to ever meet his girlfriend because that is the reason my parents are going through what they are going through in the first place. Even so, we still always had a close relationship. My FH did ask for permission and got it. I think there are several reasons my dad has disappeared, but I think one of the reasons is that he doesn't "have" the money for the wedding and had always told me he would pay for it, plus he doesn't want to face the family, since many have ill feelings towards him because of what has happened to my parents marriage. There is even more to the story, but I find it so sad, as you do, that it looks like he really won't be at the wedding, and as it seems now, like we'll never have a relationship again.

I have been trying to hold up and act like it doesn't bother me too much (to be strong for mom) but it does. I have cried in the past few months when people asked me what song I'll be dancing with my father to at the wedding, I cry when I think of what he'll be missing and what I'll be missing. But at the same time, I find myself angry.

It's such a shame that at a time like this, we have to be going through this. I try to focus on the good things, but sometimes it's just impossible and gets me so down. I'm trying to focus on all that needs to get done, I'm just so afraid I'm going to break down on my wedding day, and I don't want to do that.

Well I went off on a tangent, just wanted to reply to your story and say how sorry I am that you are going through the same thing I'm going through.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Mishy- If all else fails and all three passes at reconciling fail, here is what I might do... I don't want to call too much attention to the situation so I might say

Together with their parents
Marisa Allyson
and
Todd Jeremy
invite you to share...

I'm still thinking about it. Not what I was hoping for, but what else at this point are my options...

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

You know what Mishy.... I walked away for a little and thought about it...... Honestly, you DO have a little bit of a different situation.... Your father said yes to the two if you marrying so he is in favor.

I might put him on the invite. Here is why... worst case scenario, he doesn't come. That doesn't mean he doesn't support it in his heart and it doesn't mean that he isn't there in spirit. He genuinely wants other guests to come and you always were close. You are saving face for him when he does come around and realize he was wrong. He can't be upset or angry at you- especially if lack of money is the problem. I would thank your mom- she is being especially gracious to allow herself not to have all the credit and share some with your dad.

However, once you leave him off the invite- it reinforces his bad behavior, gives him every reason to continue not talking to you and you can't get that back. Your dad being in your life in some capacity is more important than the invite... I think, for your own mental health and sanity (ONLY), you SHOULD put him on the invite. It will make you feel better years from now and I think your dad will come to the wedding if he is on the invite- he does not want to be embarrassed. Now that he is on, he has to go.

Sorry so long, but this is important. Trying to help.....

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Thanks so much for your advice. Your last post really made me think and I think you are 100 percent right, and you put it in writing so well. He did give us his blessing, and if I don't put his name on the invite, I'll only be regressing in my behavior. He may think that I don't want him there (of course I have let him know my true feelings that I DO want him there), and it could make things worse. At least if his name is on the invite, I have a better chance of him and I reconciling and having him be a part of our day. Thank you so much for all of your advice.... I feel much better now.

Being you gave me such good and heartfelt advice, I wish I could do the same for you. I can only speak for myself, but it is much easier for me to have "discussions" with my dad through emails or writing, when it comes to my feelings. Of course I have had verbal discussions as well, but now that we aren't talking, it's a way to get my true feelings across without having him interupt, without having a chance to argue. Maybe you should try to do the same? If you do, I think you should possibly not mention all that has happened, but mention the future and how you want him to be a part of it. Having his blessing means the world to you and that your wedding day won't be the same without him there..... I do believe there comes a point in time when there is not much else that can be done, and I feel I am pretty much at that point now.... but maybe you haven't reached that point yet? I know this is such a huge thing to be going through and it really does affect more than just your wedding day, so I would say, give it one last shot... and see where he goes with it. Don't put blame on anyone, just say that maybe things in the past year haven't gone as you all had hoped but you would like to start over so that you all can be happy.

Well, I don't think I was as much as help as you were to me, but just know that I'm here to talk to. Good luck... I guess we both need it.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Mishy...not to throw a rock in the pond but, how will your mom feel about this since she is paying for your wedding and he is not? My Father and Stepmother along with FH's parents are paying for most of our wedding and we put just their names on the invite. My Mom totally understood!

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

You have a difficult situation
So hard to decide what to do. In the end, go with your heart and consider your Mother's feelings. SHe seems like a wonderful woman, who doesnt mind if you put his name also, that is so selfless of her
I think it will be fine if you put either "together with our parents" or both names.
Maybe putting Mr. and Mrs. is in a way making your mother feel comfortable about not having to explain why his name isnt there.
Good luck whatever you decide

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

I am sorry that you are going thru this. Your father is being very selfish and childish. I think it is amazing that you are willing to give him this honor.
If you really want both names I would word it has
Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith request the honour .....

Do not use Mr. and Mrs. John Smith because your parents are not married.
Good Luck!!!

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

I think Michele's wording is perfect. I too am going through a very similar situation, except its my mother whom i don't get along with at all. My parents are divorced, dad remarried and mom is not - both still have the same last name. So my mother ISN"T Mrs. John Smith, dad's new wife is. So we'll do what Michele suggested - Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith. BTW - FIL's and FH are paying for 90% of the wedding so we're including FIL's too of course.

**edited to say WOW it's going to be a lengthy invitation!

Message edited 12/10/2002 8:18:35 AM.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Mishy

So sorry to hear this, as if the wedding is not stressful enough that you have this added bonus. I am unsure what to advise you - I think the "together with your parents" is probably the simplest way out, if FH parents are ok with this.

If it were me I would try to cover all bases, just in case, esp. if your mom is ok with it too, but I wouldn't give him top billing - if you know what I mean

Good Luck

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Thanks ladies for all of your support and advice. I told my mom how I had posted my situation and that everyone had wonderful advice. She still feels strongly that his name should be on it, so I will include it, but I will probably take Michele's advice and word it how she suggested.

Thanks everyone for making me feel so much better.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Oh Ladies, I can so and do sympathize with you! My "real" dad was MIA from my ages 7-15 and then he showed up when I was 15 after he got sober and wanted to be a part of my life. In the meantime, my stepfather raised me and I always called him Daddy. My Daddy (stepdad) passed away in 1999 and I was truly shattered. As a result, my brother is giving me away - I never even considered letting my "real" father give me away.
Now my "real" father has showed back up and basically said he wanted in on the wedding plans. I said, show me some green, pal and we can talk. It was then I got the whole spiel about how he needed knee surgery and his wife (never met her) needs surgery on her shoulder blah blah blah. Whatever. He hasn't earned the right to be listed on my invitations, nor give me away. My invites will say "Together with their parents, Rachel and Lawrence etc" I may go ahead and put my mother's name and Larry's parents' names at the bottom. I think what you have to ask yourself is if you can really be bothered with the drama on this your most special day, if your father is worth it, and if you foresee peace in the future. I'm sorry if I sound callous, but I've had "father" issues my entire life and I refuse to be held hostage on my Wedding Day.

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

thanks so much to all who posted.... makes me feel so much better to see all who are going through and who can sympath. this is super hard!

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Mishy, I have to disagree about putting your Dad's name on the invite. I don't think you should do it - even if he accepts your decision to marry. My parents are divorced as well. The only difference in my situation is that my Mom is re-married.

My biological Dad met my DH after we were dating about 6 months, and he absolutely accepted him. My Dad knew we were serious about one another and he supported my decision to move to California to be with DH (then boyfriend). When we finally got engaged, my Dad told me that he would split the cost of my reception with my Mom and stepDad, and FI and I would pay for everything else. I was very grateful for everyone's generosity and I also tried hard to include my bio Dad in everything we were planning. He even put down the initial deposit for the hall when we booked the date.

Unfortunately, several months later, he and my Mom had an argument and he decided that he wouldn't take a single pic with my Mom on my wedding day, and swore that he wouldn't even be in the same room with her. This devastated me, b/c up to this point, everyone was doing their best to get along for MY sake.

So, when it came time to order my invites, I confronted him and asked what his intentions were on the day of my wedding. At this point, I didn't want his money to pay for anything. I only wanted to know if he'd be there to see me take my marriage vows. When it was time to order my invites, I had no choice but to word it as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. (StepDad's first and last name)
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of HER daughter...

My Dad never gave me an answer. And on the day of my wedding, he never showed up. He broke my heart and I will never forget that. But, I am very happy with my decision (regarding the invites) b/c I think I would have been EVEN more embarrassed if I had put my father's name on the invite, and then he didn't even show up.

My heart goes out to you b/c I know how painful these situations can be. I hope that yours turns out better than mine. Best wishes!

Re: invitation wording help please.... mom paying for wedding, dad may be a no show.

Claud, I'm so sorry you had to go through what you went through as well. My mom seems to think that my father will show up on my wedding day, but I honestly don't think he is going to. I guess I'll get through it, but am not happy about it. All along, because I've been so mad, I have been saying that since he wants nothing to do with us and since he won't be showing up at the wedding, I said his name should not be on the invite, but my mother is really very upset about it and feels strongly that it should be there. I have been doing all I can to keep strong for mom, so if it will make her happy that his name is still on it, I will do it for her. I probably will be angry once he doesn't show up that I put it on there, but I guess it's just not worth worrying about right now... there are just so many other things I have to worry about now.. so much planning to do. Thank you very much for responding though, I totally respect and agree with what you said. And again, I'm sorry your father didn't show up on your day.