MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

I don't even know where to begin with this...

Background - my future MIL...when we got engaged...was happy and then sat me and my FH down and said - if you think you're ever going to get divorced, please don't get married, i can't deal with another divorce. Now - on some level i'm okay with this - as her precious daughter just went through a horrible divorce...but come on...

Now - we've started planning our wedding & she is STUNNED to realize that my parents aren't paying for the whole thing. When I tell her this - she has the nerve to tell me that it still happens now-adays... I told her - believe me - not in my world. Neither of us are young, my FH is 37, i'm 31...we've lived together for 4 and a half years now...so it's not like we've been supported forever by my family. So - we're paying for it all ourselves. His parents bankrolled his sisters' MEGA pricey divorce(have i mentioned that he doesn't rate on his family tree?)....so they aren't struggling, but they're not as safe as they were...

So - we ask them in the very least to cover the rehearsal dinner.. They eventually agreed - but we told them...our wedding is on a Sunday - anyone who feels it's important enough to come to our wedding from out of town (not many people really, maybe 10 more than the bridal party, 15 tops), should be able to come to the rehearsal dinner. They never said anything... A few weeks go by and we're told that they've been researching places on Long Island for the party...now they're from Jersey so have no idea about LI. They call the Fox Hollow - and apparently make plans and speak to someone there. Keep in mind people - i didn't know this - and i was doing my own work here - talking to some hotels about ballrooms and catering. So they tell us this info now - two days ago.

We point blank do not want our dinner at the same place our wedding will be...we want the first time for people to see it on our wedding day...nevermind the fact that if money is an issue - you can get MUCH cheaper than the Fox Hollow for dinner...and the food will be just as good..

So my lovely and WAY LAID BACK FH calls his parents to tell them:
a. we don't want it at the same place as our wedding
b. i have been doing research and can give them the info and they can have fun
c. when we're on vacation they can come out and we can show them around the island and give them ideas

His parents FREAKED out - telling us how the rehearsal dinner is supposed to be a surprise for the couple & most people have no involvement at all. He called her on this and she had no rebuttle.. They said we basically had no right to say where we want the party to be, etc...

We MAY be going over there tomorrow to talk this out - i will be taking two xanax - i had them prescribed to me because of her... What on earth do we do here??????

HELP US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry this is so long)

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

Tell them that you really think it will spoil the wedding day if the RD is at the same place. Come prepared with a list of alternatives w/prices. Also, I would let FH do most of the talking, these are his parents, and he needs to be very clear with them and stand his ground, you play the supporting role. IMO having disputes with FIL's is very shaky ground and I think it is the job of the child to be affirmative since they know them best. (and if all else fails, start crying )

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

YOU YESSS THEM TO DEATH AND THEN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! my fmil wants our guests to stay in the city, meanwhile our ceremony is in brookville, and our reception is in bayville!!! i'm blocking my long island hotels and she can't stay wherever she wants!!!!!

YESSSS them to death. that is the trick....do you have to go talk about it???????

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes that's alll you have to say!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

i would bring a list of alternative places and have you FH talk to them and be assertive you both should agree on what the final outcome should be before you get there and you both should stick you dont want an argument to break out between the two of you if they still wont change the place i jsut say you guys should just try to pay for it yourselves. me and FH are paying for hte whole wedding ourselves the only thing either parent will contribute to is money for any guests they want there and honestly i think its best this way so neither one can dmeand anything!!! hope all goes well for you

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

i second the tears. nothing makes people feel worse than making someone cry. hahah but in all seriousness, just make sure that you and FH are on the same page and that he is going to get your point of view across and you will support him, but i agree, have him do most of the talking. and stand your ground!! I think it is COMPLETELY reasonable to not want your RD and your RH. i have never heard of that in my life!!!!! sheesh!! im sorry that you're dealing with this :( keep us filled in on how it goes!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

wow... i would NOT be OK with the RD at the same place as the recep. Hold your ground!!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

Explain very nicely what you said here, that it's important to you that your guests see the hall for the first time on your wedding day, and that you have a list of sites that are just as nice, and many are cheaper.

That said...they are paying for it. If you want to have the last word on your rehearsal dinner, pay for it yourself. It's as simple as that.

And I don't agree with what you're saying about people traveling from out of town--it's a courtesy to invite them to the rehearsal dinner, but it's certainly not required. Many of those people will have been traveling that day and won't want to go out to dinner, they will be tired and want to relax. If it's a wedding weekend, then make it one and have everyone there.

Obviously you have a lot of issues with your FH's family. Keep in mind that you can't control what they do. Also, they don't owe you anything. OK, they paid for his sister's divorce. So what? That doesn't mean they owe your FH an equivalent amount of money. It's their money and they can do what they like with it. Once you accept that, you'll have a lot less stress. Maybe you won't have the rehearsal dinner you want, but it will be a lot less stressful and you won't be taking Xanax.

Good luck.

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

wowwww ~ sounds like your fmil is old school.... take two zannex and try to not sweat the small stuff ~ If they are really wanting it at the fox hollow just let it be sometimes it is not worth the fight, aggrivation etc...

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

so sorry this is happening!! Like was said yes em and do what you want!!!! It is your wedding!!!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

FH and you should go over and talk to them. Explain firmly your reasons for not wanting it at Fox Hollow and offer them a list of alternatives. Your FH will definitely need to be firm though and put his foot down and show that he is behind you otherwise, FILs might think that this is coming solely from you.

It's a tough situation and it seems like there are some underlying issues there.

Good luck!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

I am so sorry you have to go through this. But I agree it should not be where you are having your wedding. Good luck...when you are done with your xanex can you pass them onto me FH still has not asked all his groomsmen and I am going to freak out! LOL Good LUCK!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

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Posted by rkl1130

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

FH and you should go over and talk to them. Explain firmly your reasons for not wanting it at Fox Hollow and offer them a list of alternatives. Your FH will definitely need to be firm though and put his foot down and show that he is behind you otherwise, FILs might think that this is coming solely from you.

It's a tough situation and it seems like there are some underlying issues there.

Good luck!

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Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

Oh no!

Is this his parent's way of "making up" for things with him? Or maybe a way to show them that he means as much to them as his sister to save face and look good in everyone else's eyes?

Has your FH ever said anything to them?

That's sad, and I'm so sorry that you and FH have been made to feel the way you have. They sound very thoughtless and a bit selfish and seems to have done nothing but alienate their own son.

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

Tell them its not the way things are usually done, and how important it is to both you and DH to have the RD and the wedding at different places. Explain this them calmly and like others have said, maybe even shed a tear or two .
Bring them a list of other places and the prices. If they insist and won't back down, and use the fact that they are paying as their trump card, you have two choices:
1) have it the RD at fox hollow OR
2) pay for it yourselves and have it where you want

or actually there is a third choice
3) don't have a RD, or have it at your house or parents house if you can.

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

Can you call Fox Hollow and ask them to conspire with you? Either to tell FMIL they won't do RD's if the wedding is there, or tell them it's no longer available?

Tears may work here too

Good luck!

Re: MIL Help Needed - LONG - VERY SORRY - not a fun situation!!!

That's terrible.
I honestly don't know how I would handle it without having a fit.