Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

Me and my fh have been living together for 3 months. I am a crazy neat freak and everything needs to be clean smelling and looking nice. Well since we moved in my fh has all of a sudden became a pig! Leaving dishes on the coffee table, clothes next to the basket instead of in the basket, dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, leaving food out. I feel like he is taking advantage. now i dont want to make my fh sound like a jacka$$ or a scum bag but why all of a sudden has he gotten like this? as of today for one week im going to TRY not to clean up after him but its going to be so hard. is that wrong? maybe he will be bothered by living in a mess and will change his act?? haha i know im kidding myself. it pi$$es me off! i jut cleaned last night and i feel like i walked into a pig pen after work today and i did leave it they way it was, A MESS! and he has the nerver to ask me why does this house look like this and i yelled at him and said why dont u tell me!!! im so pi$$ed!! anything i can do to make him help me with the cleaning? thanks girls

Message edited 10/17/2006 7:13:46 PM.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

Sounds like my FH and most of the other FH's out there! When you live with someone, you REALLY get to experience who they are! Unfortunately, he isn't as much of a clean freak as you are... but don't be so upset. Sit and talk with him because letting everything pile up won't cause him to suddenly cooperate (unfortunately)... I doubt he'll respond the way you want him to, and you'll just get even more pissed because of the mess!

Since you'll be spending the rest of your life with him, sit down and talk to him. Express how you feel it's inconsiderate of him to leave such a mess everywhere... let him know that it's frustrating and that it isn't fair to you.

He should respond to that if he cares.

HTH a little!

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

This is so funny because fh and I just had a similar argument this morning. He leaves everything all over the kitchen. School books on the table, his planner on the butcher block, a video for his friend on the butcher block, the current book he is reading on the counter, his coat on the bar stool and his newspaper on the mini table in the kitchen and he gets mad because I keep moving his stuff. I told him I can't make my lunch without moving his stuff because it is everywhere. He kept saying " I need a place for my stuff". I said fine pick one place and I won't touch it. It's so funny I am not the only one.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

I doubt there's anything you can do. He's home now, not spending the night anymore. He's probably just being him

I got lucky my fh is pretty neat he even picks up after me every once in a while.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

I have to tell you, my FH was never really bad at the mess thing until my BF moved into our apt to help us save for the wedding. She is a total neat freak in her room but not anywhere else and he has followed in her path. I did what you are attempting with the stand off. Yesterday when I decided that I can't spend another day in the mess, I got all worked up and when I got home he had cleaned.

IT IS NOT WORTH IT. You should talk to him instead of having a face off. FH and I know that this is a bad habit copying a bad habit and that it is not how we really live when it is just us. He has promised to be better and I promised to talk to my bf.

Good luck!

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

That sounds like a good plan. I had roommates like that in college, and I stopped cleaning up after them. Sometimes it's hard, but you have to teach him a lesson. He may not change, but it's worth a shot.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

You could also try not doing something for him. Do you do his laundry? Or cook for him? Make him take some responsibility, maybe he'll learn to clean up after him self.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

It's funny... I have a hard time yelling at my FH about cleaning the house because he does it in "doses". He might not put the damn coffee cup away at that moment, but he'll take a day and do a mass cleaning - and do it really well. Plus, he does the laundry and vacuums. So, how can I yell?? AND he'll attack the pots in the sink every now and then for me. So, it may not be a round-the-clock cleaning effort that's always on his mind (and I can't be a hypocrite... it's not always on my mind either)... but he does have his moments and his cleaning spurts. You guys just might not be on the same cleaning clock.

Maybe you just have to come up with a schedule.

Also, what I did in the beginning, was try to make little jokes about things. Like, "OMG! I think we have this little alien that comes into our house and leaves these little plastic Orange Juice rings on our counter and then leaves! It's SO weird! They just appear EVERYWHERE!". I think he got the hint. It's not perfect, but I think those stupid little rings find themselves in our garbage more often now. lol

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

ugh! i TOTALLY know where you're coming from!
my DH was the worst with this! lets put it this way... hes an only child with a mom who never worked-- i dno't think i need to say any more than that- LOL
what i did was this-- i think men like to feel like they're needed, so i pulled the whole " will you help me do...." and that got him just seeing what needed to get done around the house, and it made thigs more fun becasue we were doing them together... and now, i do the whole ' will you switch the laundry over while i dust the living room?" that way, i'm showing him that i'm doing somethnig as well and that i'm not just making him do something while i sit there...
i think gradually it works out and he'll realize what has to get done. i still end up doign most of the house work because i get home by 4 ( almost an hour and a half before he does) so i end up doing a lot of stuff then... but its ok, as long as he makes some effort...

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

UGH!! Did he move in with you straight after living with Mommy or did he live on his own in the interim? Mine had his own apt but it was in Mommy's house so it was still cleaned and his laundry was still done, etc. That was a huge mistake on my part. I really think we do a disservice to ourselves when we move in with guys who have never lived on their own. SLOBS. It's getting better now and I really can't complain. It takes time but just hang in there!

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

You guys are still in the adjustment period. GIVE IT TIME!

It takes a while to adjust to living with someone new. You'll both have to change your ways a bit. These things take time.

Don't try to drop a hint by not cleaning up after him or nagging -- Talk to him honestly and calmly about it. (Note: He's a guy, it may take a few conversations for it to sink in)... And DO stop cleaning up after him all the time. It should get to the point where you help each other out...

I'm lucky in that FH is a neat freak (though for some reason never thinks to vacuum or dust, but everything is neat and organized). We still had an adjustment period when we moved in together.

Try talking to him about it, and give the whole living together adjustment some time!

If he moved in with you (as opposed to getting your own new place together), that can sometimes be an even bigger adjustment. It's hard to get over that "this is MY space" feeling.

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

---

Posted by causeimb

I doubt there's anything you can do. He's home now, not spending the night anymore. He's probably just being him

I got lucky my fh is pretty neat he even picks up after me every once in a while.

---

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

---

Posted by Kara and Todd

You guys are still in the adjustment period. GIVE IT TIME!

It takes a while to adjust to living with someone new. You'll both have to change your ways a bit. These things take time.

Don't try to drop a hint by not cleaning up after him or nagging -- Talk to him honestly and calmly about it. (Note: He's a guy, it may take a few conversations for it to sink in)... And DO stop cleaning up after him all the time. It should get to the point where you help each other out...

I'm lucky in that FH is a neat freak (though for some reason never thinks to vacuum or dust, but everything is neat and organized). We still had an adjustment period when we moved in together.

Try talking to him about it, and give the whole living together adjustment some time!

If he moved in with you (as opposed to getting your own new place together), that can sometimes be an even bigger adjustment. It's hard to get over that "this is MY space" feeling.

---

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

TARA!!!! Is my FH moonlighting as your FH?

OK babe! Here's the deal. Not with just this but with everything..you need to nip it in the bud now bc the longer you let it go on the harder it is to change.

I am like you and FH has always been a complete pig. So, this is what I did.

I made 1/2 the bed (my half)
I did 1/2 the laundry (my half)
I took my dishes out of the sink
When cr@p of his was lying around I picked it up......then threw it in a pile on his side of the bedroom.
I made my own dinner and none for him (if he can't clean his own dishes then i'm not going to add to the dishes by giving him some)

He got the hint.

Also, a tip, I know you want to yell and scream and smash his head into a wall BUT..when you yell at him you remind him of his mother. SO, men need to be told EXPLICITLY what to do.
In a calm, rational voice you tell him "I" feel like "I" am being taken advantage of. (Don't say YOU are taking advantage of me- then you are blaming him and they get defensive and don't take to heart what you are saying)

Tell him exactly what you want done. It's also great practice for when you have children
"Honey, please go into the bathroom and empty the garbage can into the kitchen can. Then take the garbage out to the curb and when you get back replace the bag. Thanks"

After awhile you will be able to just say take out the garbage and the above will get done!

Good Luck ! If you need to chat you know i'm always here for ya!

Nic

Re: For all the ladies still up........... Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

---

Posted by JIFFY

TARA!!!! Is my FH moonlighting as your FH?

OK babe! Here's the deal. Not with just this but with everything..you need to nip it in the bud now bc the longer you let it go on the harder it is to change.

I am like you and FH has always been a complete pig. So, this is what I did.

I made 1/2 the bed (my half)
I did 1/2 the laundry (my half)
I took my dishes out of the sink
When cr@p of his was lying around I picked it up......then threw it in a pile on his side of the bedroom.
I made my own dinner and none for him (if he can't clean his own dishes then i'm not going to add to the dishes by giving him some)

He got the hint.

Also, a tip, I know you want to yell and scream and smash his head into a wall BUT..when you yell at him you remind him of his mother. SO, men need to be told EXPLICITLY what to do.
In a calm, rational voice you tell him "I" feel like "I" am being taken advantage of. (Don't say YOU are taking advantage of me- then you are blaming him and they get defensive and don't take to heart what you are saying)

Tell him exactly what you want done. It's also great practice for when you have children
"Honey, please go into the bathroom and empty the garbage can into the kitchen can. Then take the garbage out to the curb and when you get back replace the bag. Thanks"

After awhile you will be able to just say take out the garbage and the above will get done!

Good Luck ! If you need to chat you know i'm always here for ya!

Nic

---

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

There isnt very much you can do! FH and I have lived together for over 5 years and I am OCD about things being a certain way (especially cleanliness and neatness) now he was pretty good in the beginning and has begun to get worse...make him clean up after himself, or ask him to help you do it!!!

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

aybe he just got used to you cleaning up after him

def try to not clean for a bit and see if he realizes

and tell him it's messy because you haven't been getting much help from him.

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

---

Posted by jgl

aybe he just got used to you cleaning up after him

def try to not clean for a bit and see if he realizes

and tell him it's messy because you haven't been getting much help from him.

---

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

I really think that like anything it takes time. When FH and I first started living together it was different. Now he is very good at cleaning and understands that when he cleans it helps me out and makes me a happier person. He does his own laundry, always takes out the garbage and vacuums. He often cleans the bathroom too.

There are things he doesn't notice but I just mention them to him and he works on it. It doesn't happen overnight. I think you should explain to him how you feel and what you would like from him in the way of cleaning.

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

Tara, if you do not make him learn now it will be to late. I have lived with Fh for over 3 years and it is to late for me, I always wanted to clean up after him, but they take advantage. I clean, cook, do laundry, grocery shopping. etc. I do it all, the only thing fh does is go fishing and he has 2 chores, taking out garbage which he barely does and mow the lawn 1 a month. Tara, I am not kidding put you foot down now, because if not this will be your life. There is hope for you. Good Luck

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

I would definitly stop cleaning up after him and see what happens. Or better yet, leave the dirty dishes where he sits and see how he responds. My FH did that to his cousin, he took his dirty dishes and put them in the bath tub. It was extremely funny and it got the point across.

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

Tara-I am sorry James is being a butt. Joe is pretty neat, but he owns too much stuff and since we don't have a house or apartment yet-he has no where to put it. I am constantly tripping, stubbing my toes, and just swerving around his possesssions-it drives me nuts!

I would let James clean up the mess-try not to clean a thing-hopefully he will realize the error of his ways.

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

dont live with FH yet, but when i sure do i hope all these recommendations work...hopefully im not marrying a pig... lol .... he seems clean ..u never know until u live with them i guess

Re: Am I wrong ..........VENT, Kinda long

LOL! I wouldn't be surprised if he was that much of a "pig" before hand. We all have our own idiosyncrasies. Most of us don't realize that when we move in together we are taking each others bad habits with us. I would simply tell your FH how you are feeling. Do not CLEAN UP after him (don't be his mother) because then he will never be able to see the mess he his making b/c he has you there to clean it up. I know it might kill you having to give up that control. I'm a neat freak too and can relate. These are all the over hill battles that we all have to learn to adjust to. It is all part of living together. Good Luck! Us neat freaks have to support each other I love JIFFY sugestion.

P.S. If my FH is reading this: I promise to close the toothpaste cap and not to leave a wet towl on the bed at night anymore. LOL!

Message edited 10/17/2006 11:24:38 PM.