Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

Hello ladies! As you know I got married in July and when we got back from honeymoon, DH was transferred to a different precint. He was kind of fine with that but he was happy he wasn't on foot anymore he drives the police car now and on top of that he leaves to go to work at 9:30 pm and comes home at 9AM (I would be at work already). So I only see him when I get home to make dinner at 6:30-9:30. I miss him in bed with me but I know that is part of the job so whatever. He also wanted that time slot for he won't have to deal with a lot of Sargents.

Ok now that you know the background here is the dilema, he has been acting very weird like if he's irritated about something or me. I asked him what's wrong and he says he's fine. But ladies you know when your man acts different. I'm thinking it's the shift change because all I see him do is sleep and play Play Station. When I try to have time with him I feel ignored. Or If I give him a hug and a kiss I feel he doesn't want to hug me. Maybe I'm looking to into it. Should I not ask him anymore questions and shut up and see what happens? I feel like I did something but he says i didn't do anything and that he is fine. I have been crying every night because I feel bad if his schedule is irritating him and he just doesn't want to tell me.

Any Advise?

Message edited 8/29/2006 9:54:41 PM.

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I can really relate to your situation, my DH is a cop in Westchester. What it boils down to is...shift work su**!!! It messes with your body, you never see daylight and you find yourself getting very aggravated.

Asking him questions and pushing him will only make it worse. Not to scare you, but Cops have a very high divorce rate because of their horrible hours and shift work. Knowing that makes it easier to work towards understanding where he is coming from. What I do is keep myself and my mind busy, I read a lot, I cook new recipes and do things for me. It helps keep the sanity. There will be days that are unbearable and lonely, but remember that he is yours forever. Eventually he will change his shift or maybe you might even get use to it.

Be strong!!

edited for horrendous spelling....

Message edited 8/29/2006 12:02:02 PM.

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

Seriously I thank you for your advise. I kind of figured that and yes I know the divorce rate. I am looking into going back to school next semester and trying new stuff out so we will see. But I have gotten used to be alone at night but the reason I was crying was because he hasn't told me why he has been like that. But I will understand him more. If he wants attention I will give it but in the mean time I will let him be. I'm ok with that!

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I agree....my DH has a messed up schedule...everyday is different ...when he has to do night shifts or he has to do a double...he becomes someone else. At first I was the same way you were ...asking questions that lead to arguements. Then I realized that it was the schedule...so I just let him be and do what I can to make him happy to be home.

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I am going out on a limb and replying solely based on my outside view of those who dated/married into the military....it takes a strong and independent woman to do it....I agree with the poster who said she finds things to busy herself. And "midnights" as my BIL calls them, STINK...they pay doesn't always out weigh the frustration and pain. Hang in there...and know we are all here for you.

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

It sounds like he is having a hard time adjusting to his new shift... working overnights can really mess with the body. Give him a few months to get used to it. Maybe on days that he is off, you can schedule some "date time." I hope things get better for you

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

Yea I'm going to try to plan something on Friday that we can do! I'll surprise him!

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by idovig

Hello ladies! As you know I got married in July and when we got back from honeymoon, DH was transferred to a different precint. He was kind of fine with that but he was happy he wasn't on foot anymore he drives the police car now and on top of that he leaves to go to work at 9:30 pm and comes home at 9AM (I would be at work already). So I only see him when I get home to make dinner at 6:30-9:30. I miss him in bed with me but I know that is part of the job so whatever. He also wanted that time slot for he won't have to deal with a lot of Sargents.

Ok now that you know the background here is the dilema, he has been acting very weird like if he's irritated about something or me. I asked him what's wrong and he says he's fine. But ladies you know when your man acts different. I'm thinking it's the shift change because all I see him do is sleep and play Play Station. When I try to have time with him I feel ignored. Or If I give him a hug and a kiss I feel he doesn't want to hug me. Maybe I'm looking to into it. Should I not ask him anymore questions and shut up and see what happens? I feel like I did something but he says i didn't do anything and that he is fine. I have been crying every night because I feel bad if his schedule is irritating him and he just doesn't want to tell me.

Any Advise?

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Message edited 8/29/2006 12:33:58 PM.

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by idovig

Seriously I thank you for your advise. I kind of figured that and yes I know the divorce rate. I am looking into going back to school next semester and trying new stuff out so we will see. But I have gotten used to be alone at night but the reason I was crying was because he hasn't told me why he has been like that. But I will understand him more. If he wants attention I will give it but in the mean time I will let him be. I'm ok with that!

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Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by soon2bcopswife

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Posted by idovig

Seriously I thank you for your advise. I kind of figured that and yes I know the divorce rate. I am looking into going back to school next semester and trying new stuff out so we will see. But I have gotten used to be alone at night but the reason I was crying was because he hasn't told me why he has been like that. But I will understand him more. If he wants attention I will give it but in the mean time I will let him be. I'm ok with that!

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I'm glad the advice helps. It also helps to become friends with some of the as i call them "cop wives". They too understand the pressures of being a wife to these guys!! I am also going back to school this semester, which will keep me plenty busy. Like Michelle said, communication is also essential. He is your husband and your friend. Let him know you understand how exhausted he must be and that if he needs anything, you can help. My DH just left me a card that said "Like 2 ships passing in the night, i'm commited to u and our future". Little things like that really help. Don't worry, it will be ok.

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Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

It sounds like he is having a hard time adjusting to his new shift... working overnights can really mess with the body. Give him a few months to get used to it. Maybe on days that he is off, you can schedule some "date time." I hope things get better for you

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Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I could have written the original post on here. My DH is a State Trooper in Westchester and he has been working nights since the Spring. Usually we go anywhere from 3 to 6 days without even seeing each other. It's been incredibly difficult - on me in particular. We actucally went 7 - yes 7 - weeks without sleeping in the same bed at the same time.

Last week we had our first date night - which we are now having every other Tuesday. Plus, I've explained to him how I just don't feel 'close' to him right now - and that it's eating me up. He says he understands - but I know he doesn't.......it's a girl thing that most guys just don't get.

I wish I had some inspirational advice for you - but I don't. I agree with others who say to find your own hobbies and enjoyment - - but I have difficulty doing that myself, so who am I to preach? My plan is to do my best to make my DH understand my feelings, and to understand his too, and to find a way to make our limited time together as meaningful as possible.

Good luck!

Re: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

Ladies I must say when I got home I made a different dinner we haven't had in awhile and a nice pudding pie. We talked, laughed and he assurred me that nothing is wrong and he told me that I'm most likely right that it's just his schedule got to him. He said I love you to me so much to me to reasure me that everything is ok. I feel better now, thank you girls for helping me out. Thank you so much.

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

Seriously-- my DH acts really funny after working his long overnighter shifts-- especially since he works a day job too. We rarely see each other when he does them. Luckily for now though, he alternates nights and days. If he didn't,we'd be strangers. It happens though. I would probably be really grumpy if I felt like I was missing out on everything b/c I worked when everyone else was home. It is rough, and eventually when he has been on for a while, he will have better hours. Hang in there!

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

bump

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by idovig

Ladies I must say when I got home I made a different dinner we haven't had in awhile and a nice pudding pie. We talked, laughed and he assurred me that nothing is wrong and he told me that I'm most likely right that it's just his schedule got to him. He said I love you to me so much to me to reasure me that everything is ok. I feel better now, thank you girls for helping me out. Thank you so much.

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Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by soon2bcopswife

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Posted by idovig

Ladies I must say when I got home I made a different dinner we haven't had in awhile and a nice pudding pie. We talked, laughed and he assurred me that nothing is wrong and he told me that I'm most likely right that it's just his schedule got to him. He said I love you to me so much to me to reasure me that everything is ok. I feel better now, thank you girls for helping me out. Thank you so much.

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I am glad things worked out. They have done studies on people who work overnight shifts. Many experts say that exposure to sunlight has a positive effect on people and when people work overnight, and sleep during the day, it makes them grumpy and aggravated. Stand by him, it's not an easy job. Good luck with everything and please let us know if you need more support, we are all here for you!

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Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I feel your pain but dont take it personally. My DH always reminds me that he has a job the risks his life everyday and he has to be very aware of what he his doing and he needs his sleep. he sees things everyday that hopefully I will never see. It does make them act a little differently but dont blame yourself for that. I only see my Dh 2 days a week. With him working 6-2 at night and me 7-3 or later during the day its hard. When I get home at night I call him right a way just to say hi and we always talk before I go to bed.

Dont worry I am sure things will work out, its just takes a large amount of patience. I always look forward to our days together and thats what keeps a smile on my face.

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

I missed your original post yesterday but I agree with what the other gals have said.

The other thing is though... that communication is the key and he needs to understand that as a newly married couple, he needs to open up. I think, on a whole, the cops I've known (my dad, my hubbie, friends) aren't the most OPEN. They will say the word "FINE" which drives me up a wall. They will muttle through. They won't stop, evaluate their emotions .... half, probably cause of the male gene, but my other guess is because they can't deal with their emotions on a daily basis. They see the worst and just deal with it.

I guess what I am saying is don't be a martyr --- even though we married cops/firemen/ems etc. we are still deserving of a good open relationship. It's just that they have this outside element (their jobs) that affects them.

The book I Love A Cop helped me understand why I am the way I am.

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

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Posted by leese

I missed your original post yesterday but I agree with what the other gals have said.

The other thing is though... that communication is the key and he needs to understand that as a newly married couple, he needs to open up. I think, on a whole, the cops I've known (my dad, my hubbie, friends) aren't the most OPEN. They will say the word "FINE" which drives me up a wall. They will muttle through. They won't stop, evaluate their emotions .... half, probably cause of the male gene, but my other guess is because they can't deal with their emotions on a daily basis. They see the worst and just deal with it.

I guess what I am saying is don't be a martyr --- even though we married cops/firemen/ems etc. we are still deserving of a good open relationship. It's just that they have this outside element (their jobs) that affects them.


The book I Love A Cop helped me understand why I am the way I am.

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Message edited 8/30/2006 2:14:43 PM.

Re: Update on bottome: Need women advise especially if you are married to a man in uniform. Sorry Long

My FH is a FDNY and his schedule always changes. Its hard that I don't see him, and when I do there are times where he can be moody because of his shifts. Working a 24 hr shift isn't easy but he loves his job. After the wedding will be our first test in living together for the first time. I am scared and excited at the same time. I don't know what its going to be like because I work nights and he works both days and nights.

And Yes I agree with the other ladies are saying, it is a new relationship as husband and wife. He needs to learn how to open up/comunicate with you. Good luck