Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

She has a history of being very demanding and saying uncalled for things.. when she says she wants us to come over more she wants this she wants that.. what can i come back with that will show her I'm firm but still nice. I was thinking.. about saying.. well, it goes both ways you can pick up the phone too..

There are many things that have made me feel uncomfortable about going over there to visit so I have not gone b/c I don't need the verbal abuse or feelings that I'm unwelcomed. (this has been going on for three years now). tonight we will resolve these issues.. but I also know she can be very manipulative..

Can I have some support ladies?!! THanks!

UPDATE: Once we got there, I gave flowers to his grandmother b/c she has cancer and is not doing well. His mom had cooked so we had dinner. At coffee time, was when things were brought up. She initiated it. First I felt her tone to be quite edgy and I felt my blood boiling. I let her finish what she had to say. What she said was that all she asks of us is to call and offer to help her out with his grandmother...that she wants a family and that's that. She then hands me a giftbag of which she says I would have given this to you on your birthday had I been able to see you. (not her exact words) My birthday was back in April. She knows where we live, she knows our number. My response was, well you know the number to the house, you can always call and you didn't call for my birthday...she says she calls and the voice mail always comes on. I said no you don't b/c we have caller ID and if I saw you call, I would pick up and if we are not home you could leave a message and that's another thing.. when you do call once in a blue moon you leave a message for FH and never mention me, like as if I don't even live there. It's always Hi ___ it's mom call me. I let her know the difference when my family calls if we are not there they leave messages like Hi guys, or hi so and so hope you are doing well, give us a call. They acknowledge US. That was a little thing so my feelings were brought to the table about her comments to me in the past and how unwelcoming I have always felt by her resulting in me not coming to visit them in months b/c of it. She asked how come I never came to her and told her I was offended by these comments, I told her that I always hoped she would just come around and it would blow off but it never did. I am not going to go on and on.. it was a long convo. No yelling or anything - just me being honest and open about how I felt and how she felt. At one point my FH stopped her in the begining and let her know she kinda needed to calm her tone down. I was firm and not going to let her try to get to me. I think she noticed that right off the bat. She said something in the begining like " I'm his mother and that will never change, you don't have a choice" So my response was I laughed and said and I am going to be his WIFE and you don't have a choice either! She had no response to that we just kept on talking. The grandmother sat there quiet and just listened. (She is very ill with cancer and all she wants is everyone to be at peace with one another before she passes).. All in all, a resolution was made. She finally spoke to me about my wedding (after a over a year of her never mentioning it) asking me if I had a ring pillow and if I didn't she would like to give me the pillow FH carried down the aisle at her second wedding.. I said that's fine. I appreciated that.

The night went on very well and the air was cleared. I took her hand and his grandmothers hand and I said "Are we cool now? Are we going to play nice with eachother and be loving to one another"? His grandma got up -it takes her a lot to get up out of her chair b/c she is weak :( she hugs me and was crying,she tells me she is happy now and she can feel at peace with this situation. His mother agreed and we all hugged eachother.
I am happy it is a new start and we can now move forward. Thanks as always girls for the support and for taking the time in reading this.

Message edited 8/17/2006 11:46:11 AM.

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good luck, i can definitely sympathize with unwelcoming in-laws, his mom was always okay but not the rest of the family but they have finally come around, so it is possible

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good Luck!!!!!!



-Kris

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good Luck Victoria

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

how do I react without getting so pissed off by anything mean or rude she says.. I may have to remove myself from the house if she gets nasty or says stupid crap...

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

I am leaving in 30 minutes..

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Message edited 8/16/2006 10:10:45 PM.

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

in response to your comment "tonight we will resolve these issues" all the talking in the world will not change her, i have the same issues... FMIL is only nice and stuff to me and my family when it suites her needs! personally i feel she stabs her family with the way she talks about them so i KNOW she does the same about me.. it is all about making her look like the good, right, concerned, nice one.. when infact... she has said some not nice things to me about her own kids, their spouses and their families... not to mention sooooo many other things.. so although it may help, you need to be honest with her.. i finally had it with my FMIL and was very honest with her, she didnt like it and thought i was out of line, but all i did was point out how much she's hurt me and disrespected my family and cause problems... i told her how gross i found it how she talks about her kids to me... i was not out of line...that is called "sorry honey if the truth hurts" i put up with it for yrs trying to be nice and hoping she'd realize her frequent poor behavior on her own ... she is a 5 yr old when it comes to lying, manipulation, and the strings she pulls! it starts of with being nice, then a guilt trip, then getting defensive and offensive, then pouting and or crying, then trying to find her weakest link the mom said no ask dad routine!, then talking to others about how "terrible" you are behind your back i assume to gain sympathy/allies! then just plain nagging asking over and over again! oh and when you call her on any of it DENIAL and guilt trip!

so my advise is be stern and honest about how she has made you feel if she listens and understand than great, if not your probably just right back at square one!

i do think it will help with FH there, he needs to back you up!

Good luck!

Sorry, I see you left already.. I hope it all goes well! but in the end as long as FH is by your side and sees the situation for what it is and doesnt fall for an act dont let her get to you!

Message edited 8/16/2006 6:18:41 PM.

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good Luck

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Lot's of luck. In-Laws can be crazy.

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good luck...you know where to go if you need to vent...

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good Luck! I hope you are able to clear hte air a little!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

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Posted by BellaEyes

how do I react without getting so pissed off by anything mean or rude she says.. I may have to remove myself from the house if she gets nasty or says stupid crap...

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Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good luck and keep us updated!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

mother in laws can really be......but please please whatever you do always be honest and communicate with your fiance/husband, they should know the situation if it gets out of hand, and if u can deal with her yourself...and be firm, if you and your fiance are united, she cant do anything! but good luck...everyones situation is different , hope all goes well, let us know

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

You know when you get back you need to tell us what happend. Good Luck!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

goodluck!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

What ended up happening? I hope it went well for you!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good luck! stay strong!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Good luck! I hope everything works out well.

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

how did it go???

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

I hope you set everything straight, because she'll only get worse after you get married and have kids on day...

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

I just saw this today so I know I am late with the Good Luck, but I just wanted to know how everything went? I hope it all worked out and that you were all able to sit down and talk about everything and resolve things!!!!!

Re: Tonight FH and I are going over his mom's to talk and straighten things out between all of us..

oh best of luck to you. DH and i have done that with his mom a couple of times.

i wish you luck, and i can relate. i dealt with feelings of un welcome and uncomfort for YEARS.

FM me if you want to talk!