Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I had a great weekend up until yesterday afternoon. Went to a wedding on Saturday and then to a bridal shower yesterday.

On my way home from the shower I carpooled with my Future Mother-in-Law and Future Sister-in-Law. It was the worst 15 minute ride of my life. I aksed my FMIL if she could give me addresses (i'd call her or come over) so she said my FSIL has everything.

Fine, good. great. I'll get them from her.

Then, my FSIL is like "Oh I don't know who you are inviting, but you really should invite Tom (her husbands) parents."

She invited my parents to her wedding, which I tried to protest about because I knew that this would happen. We are trying to have a small wedding and keep it to immediate family and close friends. (Her wedding was a very lavish affair and they had close to 200 guest; they invited close to 300.) My FH and I had already discussed her in laws coming, but we really just can't do it. There is a max. # of people allowed at the RH and to put it more simply, we can't afford it.

I was really taken a back by the way she said it, because she was really nasty about it. If she would have said it in a different way and not have been so demanding and forthcoming about it, I really would have found a way to make it work, but now, I can't fathom going out of my way to make room.

So continuing with the bombardment, his mom starts telling me how she wants to invite Tom's sisters... and her neighbors... and his fathers 3rd and 4th cousins....

I am seriously about to cry because we already discussed this, we can't afford it... she knows we can't afford this... she is not going split the bill. Not only am I upset though... she is totally making me feel like I'm being dumb about who I am inviting... how dare I not invite this people... I am getting so angry.

Finally, in front of my house, she says, “Well, if you don’t invite anyone else, you should at least invite Tony’s Family (meaning FH’s dad’s extended family, people I have never met and Charlie hasn’t seen in over 15 years.) It is only another 8 to 10 people.” This is not including dates, so it is really another 20.

When I got out of the car, I wanted to yell, “I don’t know if you get our problem, an extra $1000+ is more than we can afford! How dare you get nasty with me about who we are invited, you aren’t helping me out in anyway!” but instead, I got out of the car politely said goodbye walked into my house and started to cry hysterically.

Right now I feel very hurt, I feel like I was attacked being both of his family members made me feel like I was two feet tall, and disgusted that after my FH told them our financial situation and the constraints of our invitations that they would basically corner me like I could change something or like I am acting mean toward them because I can’t invite certain people. How do I resolve this with being resentful and mean toward them and without remaining upset? At this point this was the last straw. His mom has been very nasty toward me since we’ve gotten engaged. I am not going to continue to be treated badly or like I am stupid! I have no desire to talk to his family and I can’t stop thinking about this incident.

Message edited 6/12/2006 11:49:58 AM.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

This is the time for FH to step up and talk with his family and tell them NO MEANS NO! You don't deserve this flak and he needs to protect you!!!

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

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Posted by ewickens


This is the time for FH to step up and talk with his family and tell them NO MEANS NO! You don't deserve this flak and he needs to protect you!!!

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Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I went through the same exact thing. I basically had to call them up and say.. Anthony & I have limited funds for this wedding, so we were only planning on inviting close family. Just granparents, parents, aunt, uncles, cousins & neices and nephews over 18. I told them if they would like to pay for their guests they are welcome to come. And they ended up doing that. They gave me their lists and paid for the extras who were not close family.
There were a few people at our wedding that I didnt know and I still dont know.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

i think you need to re-interate yet again, the cost factor. If she wants those people then she can pay for them. Keep remembering that since you are paying, you are ultimately the only one (well, and FH) who can make decisions. You're very, very lucky in that sense...more than you know. Just keep remembering that.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

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Posted by ewickens


This is the time for FH to step up and talk with his family and tell them NO MEANS NO! You don't deserve this flak and he needs to protect you!!!

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Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better now that I vented. I just talked to FH again and he is going to talk to his mom again.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I agree with everyone. People who aren't directly involved with shelling out the money don't have a clear understanding of how much $ it really is. Make your guest list, decide how many more people the room would fit, and IF YOU WANT TO, tell your FMIL that she can invite up to X amount of people but that she has to cover the cost. If it's really that important for her that these people be there the burden will be on her shoulders to pay for it, not yours.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I understand and I feel for you!
You need to call them up and say that you can't afford to invite the extra guests but if they would like them to come they'll have to pay for them! Let's see how fast they pony up the cash!!!! lol
XOXOXO
Kitty

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I say either they pay for the extra people or they just can't come. If it's that important to them that should not be a problem, right? Let FH deal with it though.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

I definitely think FH needs to talk to his family. It would be different if they offered to pay for additional guests but since they didn't, too bad!

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

i'm sorry that this is stressing you out or making upset!

But... from what i've learned so far... you have to do 1 of 2 things:

1- Nip these things in the butt right away! Don't sit there and not say anything because it will only get worse and you'll get blamed for not saying anything months ago.

2- let your FH handle this one with HIS mother/sister. let him do the talking/arguing.

Re: Drama-rama with Future In-laws.. long sorry

i have the same problem. this is what we did. we said we cant afford to invite so many people (and we broke it down-each extra is X amount, and X out of our budget), so we told the parents: you can invite X # of people. your choice, but you are absolutely limited to that number.

a compromise. here it seems that they have about 12 or so more people they want to invite? i would break down the cost and how you cannot afford it, and how the hall doesnt have room anyway,and then say "look, how about you guys invite 4 more people, whoever you wnat, and thats it.