Cold Feet?

My wedding is not for another 9 months, but I'm already getting cold feet. My FH has been acting really distant and indifferent towards me lately, and I have developed a crush on someone. We've been together almost 7 years and I have never once strayed in thought or action, so I'm really scared. Has this happened to anyone else?

Re: Cold Feet?

Nope...No cold feet here. The closer our wedding gets, the more excited I am to marry my FH.

I would definitely talk to your FH about it. Perhaps it's just the stress of the wedding planning that is making him distant. If you've been together for 7 years, there's obviously a strong connection, but big changes in life can make people act a little crazy because of the uncertainty.

Re: Cold Feet?

OMG.....you need to sit your fiance down and have a serious talk find out why hes been so distant...tell him you feel like you guys are not as close....you def need to talk about this asap....their have times in our planning where it has been stressed and we get aggravated but there has never been a doubt in my mind i want to be with him forever.....im sorry you have to go through this.....stay strong and good luck

Re: Cold Feet?

I think that getting nervous (some people call it getting cold feet ) is definitely a normal thing. I have been with FH for 6 years and although I have never thought about being with someone else or thought about calling off the wedding, I have definitely thought other people were attractive (I mean come on now, I am getting married, not dying). I think you may just be interpreting the attraction you have to this other person as more than it is because you are second guessing (or getting cold feet) your wedding. You have to think about your relationship and your love for one another. Think about what made you say yes to him when he asked you to marry him, and how you felt at that moment. I am sure your love is very strong, and you two will be very happily married and everything will be ok! And he may be acting a little distant because maybe he is getting nervous as well. You two should just talk things out. Good Luck and FM me if you need to talk!

Message edited 3/13/2006 12:36:41 PM.

Re: Cold Feet?

I think it's completely normal to have some anxiety over getting married - in some cases, maybe there's a real problem with the relationship, but in many cases, I think it's just a gut reaction to so many things changing and taking such a big step. I read this really great book, "The Conscious Bride," that talked aobut how a lot of times brides have these kinds of anxieties but they don't talk about them and those feelings manifest in the bride becoming overly concerned about the small details of the wedding. Here's the description from Amazon:

Book Description
While family and future in-laws squabble over the menu and the table decorations, brides are supposed to sit and smile and bask in the prospect of their happiness-even though that prospect is guaranteed to include the post-wedding depression that hits some 90 percent of women during their first year of marriage.
This is a must-have book for any woman who has found the partner she wants to be with for the rest of her life and has made up her mind to celebrate that commitment.

Bridal counselor Sheryl Paul interviewed a diverse group of women who share their true feelings about the many concerns that can make an engagement a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Along with practical advise and support, you will find welcome acknowledgement of shared doubts and feats that so often run amok as wedding bells take their toll.

From the Publisher
Those blushing brides deal with plenty of complex emotions before they make their way down the aisle. Anxiety over the planning of the wedding and stressful family issues, not to mention concerns about marriage itself, can make an engagement as much a trial as a pleasure. This frank look at a bride's inner life provides advance warning, support, and understanding for women getting married. Led by a counselor specializing in the issues of brides-to-be, a diverse group of brides share their true feelings about such issues as being given away, wearing a veil, changing their name, and closing the hotel room door only to find themselves suddenly - married. The author unravels the psychology behind common difficulties and offers practical advice for handling the fears and doubts that so often run amok as wedding bells take their toll.

Re: Cold Feet?

You state three different problems: You and your FH are not communicating, you have feelings for someone else, and your scared. I would have a talk with your FH and find out where your relationship stands. With 7 years together, I would consider possibly going to couples counseling, if not consider counseling for yourself. Your scared, because you know in your heart something is wrong. What ever the future may hold, this crush is something that will hold you back, either as a breakup to your relationship or as a rebound. I truly do wish you the best of luck, because you have a very difficult road ahead.

Re: Cold Feet?

You definitely need a good night alone with FH to just talk about all your feelings. We get so wrapped up in the planning for this one day, that we forget about the person and the relationship that mean so much to us.

My FH and I have had plenty of times where we get stressed over money for the wedding, or making plans, or I turn into a bridezilla for a day or two...we get snippy, but then we take a step back and say - hold on - why are we really snapping, talk it out, and get on the same page.

Like one of the other girls said - look at him, look into his eyes...remember why you guys are together... I doubt your cold feet will stick around long after that.

Good luck ....and breathe!

Re: Cold Feet?

That was really helpful. It is so hard. I have really complicated feelings about getting married. I you need to trust your instincts as much as possible. So sorry you are going through this.

Re: Cold Feet?

I wouldn't say I've had cold feet or second thoughts but, we have had times where we've been more distant. I've been stressed with work and wedding stuff recently and he's been working mainly opposite hours so we haven't spent any time together (other than just crossing paths before I collapse in bed).

This weekend we were able to spend the whole weekend together, just at home, nothing special, but, it was perfect!

Re: Cold Feet?

Yeah I have to say, I read what you wrote and what everyone else wrote and I'm worried about you. I definitely think nerves and feeling jittery is normal but this sounds like more than that.
You seem as though you are really doubting a lot of things. I would say that talking to your FH and turning to each other should be the easiest thing for you to do considering how long you two have been together and how much time you have invested in your relationship. Whenever I worry about something or feel something the first person I turn to is my FH, not the other way around, and I never feel like he is distant.
The fact that you have feelings for someone else worries me too. I have thought other guys were cute but would never say I had a "crush" on anyone else. My FH and I have been under a lot of stress throughout our relationship but I never once considered not marrying him. I get mad and call him names and tell him to leave me alone but those are just arguments, I think about being with him forever and it's the best feeling in the world. The only thing I'm nervous about are things like the weather, my hall catching on fire, or my Aunt Bette bringing her horrible kids!!
I really hope that you are able to figure this out and make the right decision, whatever that may be for you. I definitely think you should see a counselor and talk about why you feel the way you do and couples counseling is the best thing in the world--so you could give that a try too. I've done both and found that it really helped me through hard times (one of them being a break-up with someone I was with before my FH) and I found myself with that guy having a lot of the same feelings, although not engaged, that you are feeling with your FH now.
You should be taking your feelings seriously, which it seems like you are doing, so that's good and I think the first step in the right direction!
I'm definitely pulling for you.

Re: Cold Feet?

I have never had cold feet about marrying Mike... I think you and your FH should really talk about this. Don't pass it off as nothing, this sounds serious. Just recently a friend of mine told me that he was no longer in love with this fiance but was going to go through with the wedding as it was already paid for!! I told him he was crazy... well to say the least a couple of months have gone by and they are both miserable and are now getting divorced.

You should talk to him about this and don't let all the plans of the wedding disguise what the union of marriage is all about.

Good luck.

Re: Cold Feet?

I think you need to take a mental break for a moment. Take a break from the wedding stuff especially.

Take the time to think about you and what you want. Is this just stress? Is it really FH? And who is this other person coming into the picture?

You need to figure out what you want to do with your life. Do you want to marry FH? Keep 3rd person out of the picture for a moment so you can all sort it out. Is it worse breakup for a "potential" 3rd person (and you don't know if anything will come out of it) or you just want to break up with FH regarless of the 3rd person?

Re: Cold Feet?

I never started to look elsewhere, but I did get cold feet about 6 weeks ago. I got over it. It was just nerves.

Re: Cold Feet?

My wedding is in a few weeks and I can tell you that there have definetely been times where FH and I seemed worlds apart. Not that we argued but some days we just didn't have anything to say to eachother, or the energy to say it. We both noticed it and it was bothering us both. The first and most important thing to do is acknowledge it! Don't tip toe around it or pretend like everything is fine. Address the situation, get the conversation going, get your thoughts out in the open, both of you. Then go on a date, do something out of your ordinary routine. Remind eachother why you decided to get married in the first place.

As for your "crush", it could be a reaction to the distance you feel from your FH. You said it yourself, it's a "crush". That's not the same thing as being in love.

You just need to ask yourself if your FH is worth enough to you that you'd be willing to make the first move, put in the effort to spice up your relationship. Take a walk around yor neighborhood at night and just hold hands. Share an ice cream sundae. You'll be surprised how little it takes to get the butterflies back in your bellies! No one ever said that true love is effortless. You have to work at it but it's so worth it.

Good Luck!