opinions, please (a little long)....

I am having a really hard time with my mom...
my dad died many years ago, and she is upset (to the point of not speaking to me) b/c I am not putting my father's name on the invitation. FH & I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves. His parents are divorced, his mom is remarried, (and his dad is bitter about it), so there would be so many names on the invites it would look weird...not to mention that I think it is kind of morbid to mention my father on the invite. I have every intention of honoring my father at my wedding, and have previously told my mom the ideas I have.

She is making me feel terrible and has disagreed with so many things I have chosen just b/c they are not the way she would have done it.

Am I being unreasonable to stand my ground on this issue??

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I don't think so at all. I know your mom is upset, but she is acting childish. It is your wedding day, you are planning on honoring your father, I don't see why his name must be on the invite - especially since he passed a long time ago - unless you wanted it!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, your mother has her wishes and you have yours. This is your wedding, you need to do what you (and FH) feel most comfortable with.

You don't want to be sad every time you look at your wedding invitation and if that's how you're going to feel then you should explain that to your mom. I'm sure she'll understand, maybe not right away but eventually she'll come around.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

as a person whose both parents have passed... i must say that she should be the adult here and realize that this is your wedding and it may be hurtful to have his name mentioned in memoriam on the invite.

i "may" during the ceremony refer to my parents or have a moment to say soemthing like..to those who could not be with us ....we know you are looking down etc etc.

i do think its morbid imo for an invite..and even if it wasnt...

this is your wedding !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

that's exactly it...I feel like it will make people feel sad when they open the invite instead of happy!

I am so stressed over this...I have rethought and changed a few things already b/c of my mom...including my dress!!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

That's a hard question... My FH's father died when he was 7 and the one request my FMIL had was to put his father's name on the invite. She is not contributing to the wedding too much except for the RD but out of respect for her I did what she asked because he is his father and without him would be no wedding. I went against etiquette with this one.... but I can see your point to because you would have a lot of names on the invite then. I honestly wish there was an easy answer.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I think its totally up to you. what kind of wording are you using? together with our parents or something else?? I think there are other and better ways to honor your father. I know for FHs father who passed away we plan on having a candle, his picture with FH, and FH wants a place set for him. There are so many wonderful ways to remember your dad on your wedding day, I hope your mom understands!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by nickipa

I think its totally up to you. what kind of wording are you using? together with our parents or something else?? I think there are other and better ways to honor your father. I know for FHs father who passed away we plan on having a candle, his picture with FH, and FH wants a place set for him. There are so many wonderful ways to remember your dad on your wedding day, I hope your mom understands!

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

no i dont either....honestly i have no idea how it is to be in your position and i dont know everything about your situation but it sounds like if there was an easier way to have your dad on the invitation you would....but things are just too complicated.....hopefully your mom will come around...and respect your wishes....good luck

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

i wanted to add... we are doing...together with our families ,,, fh's parents arent contributing.

now if you wanted to add his name fine.... such as the poster whose fh lost his dad and she did add his name out of respect ..i think its cool bc her fh doesnt mind.

but you do !! and honestly.... to me it makes sense.....

we all grieve and feel differently and there is no right answer...you have to go with your gut hun.

hope it works out!!!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I don't think you are at all, but I can understand your mom being a little upset.

Can you maybe do a In Memory on your programs or something special to acknowledge your dad? Maybe if she knows that something will be done, she will be less upset about the invites?

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by MissingTheBGene

I don't think you are at all, but I can understand your mom being a little upset.

Can you maybe do a In Memory on your programs or something special to acknowledge your dad? Maybe if she knows that something will be done, she will be less upset about the invites?

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

My husband's father passed away in 1999. We did not include him on the invite, but named both of my parents and his Mom. I agree with you that it's morbid to put a deceased person on the invite no matter how close, or not close you were to them.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by Melissa&Steve

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Posted by MissingTheBGene

I don't think you are at all, but I can understand your mom being a little upset.

Can you maybe do a In Memory on your programs or something special to acknowledge your dad? Maybe if she knows that something will be done, she will be less upset about the invites?

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I thought about the program, but FH is Catholic and I am Jewish. I am totally non-religious anfd he is, so we are getting married at his church...so I was wondering if it was appropriate to mention my Dad on the program since we are Jewish and it is a church wedding...what do yo guys think??

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

Well, I think it's up to you... My mom died 3 years ago, and I want her name on the invitation. It may provide little sad feeling to our guests, but I loved my mom and can't have a wedding without her. I'm having a hard time with my dad since she died, but he doesn't say anything about our wedding, even though he is paying for it. Do the way you want! That's your day!

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

Your not being unreasonble. It sounds like she is taking out her grief of your fathers death out on you. I would put his name in the program, on a candle, maybe save him a seat at the ceremony. And of course maybe have the officiant mention him or say a prayer. There are plenty of ways besides an invite to honor someone whos past on.
And agree with you 100% about the invite. It would something like this.
The Late Mr John Smith and his wife Mrs. Mary Smith wish to invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Lisa Anne
to
Paul James
Son of
Mr. Mark Brown
and
Mr and Mrs. Steven Cook.


Yeah that would be a bit much.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by EmberLynn

Your not being unreasonble. It sounds like she is taking out her grief of your fathers death out on you. I would put his name in the program, on a candle, maybe save him a seat at the ceremony. And of course maybe have the officiant mention him or say a prayer. There are plenty of ways besides an invite to honor someone whos past on.
And agree with you 100% about the invite. It would something like this.
The Late Mr John Smith and his wife Mrs. Mary Smith wish to invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Lisa Anne
to
Paul James
Son of
Mr. Mark Brown
and
Mr and Mrs. Steven Cook.


Yeah that would be a bit much.

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

With so many names and who's married to whom...I might leave them off.

Or you could have

Jane
and john together with their families
XXXXX
CXXXXX
XXX (List separate families names) and maybe put in the late....

Wherever you order the invites can help you as well

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by Melissa&Steve

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Posted by MissingTheBGene

I don't think you are at all, but I can understand your mom being a little upset.

Can you maybe do a In Memory on your programs or something special to acknowledge your dad? Maybe if she knows that something will be done, she will be less upset about the invites?

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I thought about the program, but FH is Catholic and I am Jewish. I am totally non-religious anfd he is, so we are getting married at his church...so I was wondering if it was appropriate to mention my Dad on the program since we are Jewish and it is a church wedding...what do yo guys think??

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I think you need to honor your dad in the way you feel most fitting for you. That is a very personal thing and I think you should do what you feel in your heart is the best way to mention your dad and remember him on that day.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

I also agree with you that putting your father's name on the invitation is a little inappropriate since he's passed. However, there is wording that I've seen for situations like this:

You could have
Mrs. John Smith
&
FH's parents info....
request the honour of your presence blahblahblah.

that way, your mom 's name is on there but it does kind of mention your dad, but not in an awkward way. but , i guess this only works if your mom is still a widow and didn't remarry, so she would still be Mrs. John Smith.

I hope this helps and I am sure you will find a beautiful way to honor your Dad on your special day.

Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

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Posted by serendipity0680

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

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Re: opinions, please (a little long)....

A wedding cannot be hosted by a deceased person. IMHO, the best way to compromise with your mom is to list her as Mrs. John Smith instead of Mrs. Mary Smith on the invite. That way your father is recognized without being morbid.