NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

My sister is having a baby and told me a funny story. Her MIL has insisted that her other grandchildren refer to her as “Mama Sarah”. This bothers my sister (understandably) and she would prefer if a different name was used… some derivative of grandma considering her MIL is not a “mama” to the child. So her husband finally spoke with his mother yesterday and layed down the law. I got home and figured I would discuss with FI (aka the biggest momma's boy alive) whether he would consider my feelings if I was having a child and his mother was demanding something that I did not agree with and that I was uncomfortable with. I said, "if I am uncomfortable with something your mom is doing and she demands something she thinks is right, will you support me?" His response: Well it depends on who I think is right and many people do not like to consider themselves grandparents cause it makes them feel old. And I said, so if it was the same situation you wouldn’t have layed down the law? He was like, well it depends on who I think is right. This is extremely upsetting. One day I will have a child with him and it is frightening that he won't take a position on this. I feel like i will be 8 months pregnant and he will not consider my feelings and will only consider his mommy's. If it something that I feel is unappropriate as my husband he should stand by my side. I am really upset and concerned about this. He and his mom have gotten even closer because she lost her job. She plays victim, she calls him EVERY day and she is on the phone with him for an extensive period of time. He is so concerned and considerate of her feelings, but he could care less about mine. I really could use some time from him, I am very disgusted by this. His answer should have been very simple. “Lisa, if it something that bothers you that much, then of course I would speak with her.” He is really scaring me.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

If I were you I would "lay down the law" with him. It is either your feelings, your marriage, or his mom.(I am in no way suggesting cutting her out of your lives, she should have an imporant grandparent role). However, I am sorry to say this so bluntly, but I keep reading your posts and feel like your DF is ready to marry his own mother, and not you.

ETA: It is also really important to have a warm, loving relationship with ones parents, but at the same time a person should be able to distinguish between parental love and devotion and love of a spouse/life partner.

Message edited 3/8/2006 9:43:00 AM.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I would suggest you sit down and have a one on one with your FH! He needs to understand where you are coming from and your stance. If he can't respect that, then there are serious issues you two will need to deal with!

My FH is very close with his mother as well and I had similiar problems at first, so I sat down with him and spoke to him. I don't want to make him choose between his mother and me, but I told him he will have to at times as I have always sided with him when issues have come up with my own parents and I expect that same respect when important decisions are being made!!!

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I think you should share with him what you just said. How concerned you are that he's not spending enough time with you, and how, to you, it seems like he's not taking your feelings into account. Communication is key to any relationship. And do this now, before the wedding, so that you don't have any regrets later.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I am really sorry you are going through this. I would be scared as well.
While it is true that a man's mother is always the first woman he loved, when he gets married, his wife should come first, no if ands or buts. No one is saying he shouldn't love his mother, but he needs to cut the cord.
Have you considered counseling for the two of you? It might be a good idea to work through this issues before getting married. If you can't stand it now, just imagine what it might be like after you get married.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

This is so funny! My fiance called his grandmother Mamma. And is mom has told him and his brother that when she has grandchildren that she would like to be called mamma. Well I'm the Mamma. This has been a running debate since we got serious. I thought I was the only one that thought this was weird. My fiance will never stick up to his mother either so don't feel bad. We can't even set a date for our wedding cause she's still won't speak to him because were living together! Anyway, tell your sister good luck.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I have been there.........

my ex's mom wanted to be called nana and i just hate that name....in the south it sounds truly awful coming out of someone's mouth.....she let this be known while i was pregnant...well, i told her no. she is now called grandma and has learned to like it...my daughter has a unique name for everyone. i didn't even enlist her father's help, i just said no. and then proceeded to never refer to the woman as nana......

irony? FHs mom asked my daughter to call her nana. gag. (cause grandma and gran were taken.....) but you know, it's grown on me. maybe it's the NY accents...i'm not sure...but 5 years ago, i would've died.

stand up....and if you're the first to make her a grandparent, your child sets the precident for the name...heeheee...it's great being the oldest sometimes.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

It's aggravating, I know... but I wouldn't worry about things like this until they come up. If you worry about hypotheticals, then you'll feel like you're always arguing. There's plenty of real stuff to argue about on a daily basis. Plus, if I'm understanding this, this problem was with your sister's MIL? So this issue may not even come up with your MIL?

FYI, my brother and his wife discussed with each set of parents what they wanted my nephew to call them. I think they came up with Nana and Poppy for her parents, and Grandma and Grandpa for my parents. Well, as soon as Jordan was able to speak, he started calling them whatever the heck he pleased. lol. He started calling my mom (Jordan's Grandma) MAMA! (my mom took care of him a lot, and takes him twice a week now). It was kind of awkward at first, because he called his own mom, "Money." lol. He calls MY dad "Papa". So, the best laid plans of mice and men... (I forgot what he calls her parents). My mom is now still "Mama" to him, but thank God he now calls his mom "Mommy", and my brother "Daddy".

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by sarahradio5

It's aggravating, I know... but I wouldn't worry about things like this until they come up. If you worry about hypotheticals, then you'll feel like you're always arguing. There's plenty of real stuff to argue about on a daily basis. Plus, if I'm understanding this, this problem was with your sister's MIL? So this issue may not even come up with your MIL?

FYI, my brother and his wife discussed with each set of parents what they wanted my nephew to call them. I think they came up with Nana and Poppy for her parents, and Grandma and Grandpa for my parents. Well, as soon as Jordan was able to speak, he started calling them whatever the heck he pleased. lol. He started calling my mom (Jordan's Grandma) MAMA! (my mom took care of him a lot, and takes him twice a week now). It was kind of awkward at first, because he called his own mom, "Money." lol. He calls MY dad "Papa". So, the best laid plans of mice and men... (I forgot what he calls her parents). My mom is now still "Mama" to him, but thank God he now calls his mom "Mommy", and my brother "Daddy".

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Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

all the cousins on my Fiance's family call the great grandmas and the great great grandma "mama ____". It's just a family tradition. My Fiance has a 5 year old son and he calls his Dad's mom "grandma" and he calls my mom "grandma". I understand how you feel though if you are not used to it.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by abs711

This is so funny! My fiance called his grandmother Mamma. And is mom has told him and his brother that when she has grandchildren that she would like to be called mamma. Well I'm the Mamma. This has been a running debate since we got serious. I thought I was the only one that thought this was weird. My fiance will never stick up to his mother either so don't feel bad. We can't even set a date for our wedding cause she's still won't speak to him because were living together! Anyway, tell your sister good luck.

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Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

One of my grandmothers was a mamma too. That is ironic. He's trying to be a diplomat. He can't have it both ways or there is going to be trouble. Sit down and talk-talk it out now. Maybe give it a few days before you do that.

Do when you are just hanging out or watching something stupid on TV.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I feel really bad for you. A lot of guys can't get over the intense relationships they had/have with their mother.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by LisaJill

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Posted by abs711

This is so funny! My fiance called his grandmother Mamma. And is mom has told him and his brother that when she has grandchildren that she would like to be called mamma. Well I'm the Mamma. This has been a running debate since we got serious. I thought I was the only one that thought this was weird. My fiance will never stick up to his mother either so don't feel bad. We can't even set a date for our wedding cause she's still won't speak to him because were living together! Anyway, tell your sister good luck.

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LOL Set a date without her!
I just hate knowing that he would not support me 100%. I almost feel betrayed.
we should be a team together and we should care more about each others feelings than anyone elses. I know him, this will always be an issue. I have asked him to go to counseling with me but he is opposed to it. I wish he would go.

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Message edited 6/5/2007 8:24:36 PM.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

Its a hypothetical question. Why get so upset. Be thankful you don't have this question right now.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I called one of my grandfathers (and actually still do) "Dad" (god rest his soul)....

Not really that big of a deal and it's the pronunciation of it ...like if someone says "Oh Dad liked that" in my family, I know that they are talking about my Grandpa. Honestly and no offense, I think it's not that bad of a thing.

But...it seems like you may have a prob. with your FH not standing up for you and that may be something the two of you have to work out.

ETA: Call my grandmother (same side) Nana and my great grandma "Granny"...It's just a name.

Message edited 3/8/2006 10:58:29 AM.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

I would be really upset about this...in all honesty I think that you should have a serious talk with your DH and make him make a decision....not pass it off by saying .."i would stand up for whoever I thought was right'

Good Luck

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

Cross that bridge when you get to it.No need to stress over it now. It's a difference that doesn't pertain to you now. He may change his opinion anyway.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

The hypothetical that your concerned with extends from a real situation - your FH is not putting you before his mother, as he should be doing. Do NOT ignore this - take care of this with him NOW before you are married. He owes it to his future wife to make it known to his mother that she cannot come before you.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by werock0709

Cross that bridge when you get to it.No need to stress over it now. It's a difference that doesn't pertain to you now. He may change his opinion anyway.

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Message edited 3/8/2006 11:46:25 AM.

Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by ginaandtommy06

I feel really bad for you. A lot of guys can't get over the intense relationships they had/have with their mother.

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Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

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Posted by ZuzusPetals

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Posted by ginaandtommy06

I feel really bad for you. A lot of guys can't get over the intense relationships they had/have with their mother.

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I agree. The truth is he's being honest and I doubt he will change once you get married. My brother is the biggest momma's boy and my sister in law has been struggling with it for 10+ years - its very difficult. She said if she knew then what she knew now she wouldnt have married him because her rarely takes his side. I would have a heart to heart with him. It is a serious issue and he needs to see that.

best of luck

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Re: NWR: My momma's boy FI does it again!

thats def a scary feeling......and im sure she will demand some things that you dont agree with in the future.....the bottom line is you have to tell FH that if the tables were turned you would back him no matter what....and he should do the same for you....good luck!