Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

That's terrible! My FI's family lives in Connecticut, so we can't split the day at each house, but I know what you mean when they don't want to give in about holidays! Good luck!

Message edited 11/14/2005 8:43:12 AM.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

I'm sorry you're upset and I'm sorry about what FH said to you - nothing justifies that. But, I don't see how you spending Christmas with his family has anything at all to do with Thanksgiving. Does he say "since we're spending Passover with your family, we should do Mother's Day at mine"? Probably not. I just don't see the correllation. You guys are going to have to work through this - you'll have holidays every year for the rest of your life. If you don't agree on some sort of a compromise, it could lead to some really big problems.

Since you're not yet married, I'd split up this year. Each of you do what you want to do. Next year, however, you will have to decide how to handle this. However often you may see one side of the family on a regular day is irrelevant when it comes to a holiday, especially one as big as Thanksgiving.

Be happy that you guys only 'share' this one holiday! Most couples are of the same religion and go through this several times a year.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

whether there are 8 people or 28 people, that is still his family and still important to him. I understand that you want to be with your grandma for desert, so why don't you guys have dinner with your family, stay for grandma's cake then go eat desert at his families house?

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

In the past, DH and i have mildy argued over holidays-where we'll be, how much time to spend at each place.

In the end...it is about total compromise. He needs to bend for you...the comment about putting his family before you...well....YOU will be his family soon!! You should be the foremost concern of his. Doesn't mean he has to NOT see his family or give up holidays but there are ways to work it out. You should without a doubt see your family...try to talk to him again and if he's adamant about being stuck in his way, then you do need to have a serious talk. Remember...it isn't likely to change as the years go on. Do what makes you happy.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Message edited 5/29/2006 10:07:18 AM.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Truthfully, you should go to your families and he should go to his.

I may get attacked for this but Me & FH didnt do joint holiday thing for the first 6 years of our relationship. I want to spend the holidays w/ my family and he with his so it was never a big deal. Enjoy the holidays where you will be happiest. We just caught up with each other at the end of the night. It works beautifully. Its only a couple of hrs apart and we've got our whole lives.

JMO

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

I have been dealing with the same crap every yr and every holiday! His family ruins them all, they all endup in a family feud till 4 am! they play guilt trips on him and tell him he CANT go, he has been getting better though since i opened my mouth, but it is still stressfull when they pull their guilt trips cause i never know what he will decide in the end! his mom called my house 3 times in the hr he came to visit my family on xmas and the last call he just up and left.. Funny part is his family does their stuff in the evening and mine earlier in the day, but they still have to have him there ALL day!!! ( can not stand FMIL!!!!) Your FH needs to realize you have a family too! I would stand my ground before it continues! I learned that lesson the hard way! let him leave after dinner if he wants but stay with your family! Compromise and tell him next yr is all his family maybe??

Best of luck with that, it ***** going through those changes

Message edited 11/14/2005 11:39:37 AM.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

we are spliting up in thanksgiving this year- I see jake all the time and I never see my family - so no big deal-

for christmas I am hoping that his parents will come to our house- they have a small family and we have a larger one- so I feel like it's easier that way
( and we will have just gotten back from our HM)

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

If he refuses to go - GO WITHOUT HIM - You're not his wife yet -
This is first year DH and I will spend holidays exclusively together w/ either family -
I would have dinner w/ my family and desert w/ his -or vice versa. Or one of us would come later on or something like that - I NEVER missed a holidy w/ my own family ........until this year b/c NOW we're married.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

this sounds like me and fh...for right now we can get away with the whole, i eat w/my family and you eat at yours, at least until next year. and every year, his mom asks, are you eating here? i tell her no and she gets upset, but won't tell me. whatever. if you need to be with your family on thanksgiving, he needs to respect that. its one day, he wil just have to deal

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

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Posted by Marisa M

If he refuses to go - GO WITHOUT HIM - You're not his wife yet -
This is first year DH and I will spend holidays exclusively together w/ either family -
I would have dinner w/ my family and desert w/ his -or vice versa. Or one of us would come later on or something like that - I NEVER missed a holidy w/ my own family ........until this year b/c NOW we're married.

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Message edited 11/14/2005 12:54:10 PM.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

I think dinner at one and and dessert at the other is the best thing to do.

This is a no win holiday. It's important to him and important to you. Not worth fighting about, best bet is to just split dinner and dessert.

i think it's best not to bring religion into this by saying you are spending Christmas with his family.
You being with his family on Christmas has nothing to do with Thanksgiving. I'm sure FH spends the Jewish holidays with your family.

If this was my son I'd tell him to go and have a nice time. As long as his parents are not going to be alone I don't see the big deal.
Maybe you can talk to his mom. Explain to her that after your married this will be the only holiday that you will have to split and starting this year you will do your family and next year his or you can stay with your family and he could stay with his.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

If splitting the day isn't an option... then I would definitely try to get across to him how important this is to you and how its only fair because of Christmas.

He should really compromise... that's what a marriage is!!!

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

You need to agree that Thanksgiving you spend with your family and X-mas with his. It works out perfect that your family doesn't celebrate X-mas. But, I can also understand that he would want to see his family. Either way this is going to be a fight every year. So I would try to work it out.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

What to say that hasn't been said already?

Last year, my FH's mom made such a fuss that we didn't spend all of Easter with her that I told him from then on I was spending the holidays with my family and he with his. I'm *so* dreading next year. The thing is that I've got two older brothers and I've seen my mother be the bigger person for every family holiday. . . . I'm her only daughter, my FMIL acts like I don't even have a family.

Its hard. I don't know what to tell you other than to give you some

Its going to have to change when you guys get married, just as it will for mine. I told my FH that I was buying a notebook and keeping score.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

my DH's family is in Turkey so we wont be splitting holidays I get why your FH is mad. You spending xmas at his familys doesn't mean all that much because you don't celebrate that holiday. But you both celebrate thanksgiving. Try to look at it from their point of view. Imagine FH was jewish and you celebrated both jewish and thanksgiving at your family's house. That's how he's feelin. But I think your point is you just want to see your family because their is a big get-together..i think you need to explain that to FH, that it's not about the holidays but that you just want to see your family. Otherwise I would just split up this year, and try to plan the big get-together next year on another holiday..like your birthday!! GL

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

If marriage is about compromise doesn't it work both ways and if you can't believe he won't do this for you, maybe he can't believe you won't do this for him. Seems like he is willing to compromise by saying lets split dinner and desert.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

I'm really sorry, sweetie. I totally see your point. I hope FH comes to his senses and sends you some flowers today or something. Don't worry, things will work out.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

oh no! so sorry! this is always a problem with hub and i. our solution... i go to my fam's and he go to his. i'm not a fan of my in-laws so it's not a surprise. but in retrospect.. it doesn't seem ideal. you know what i mean. i really hope you and your fh can work this out. is it possible to have an early appearance at your in-laws and then go to your folks'? egoes will be crushed but tough cookies. from what you've written i really hope you get to spend some time with your fam. stay calm.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

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Posted by justshir

oh no! so sorry! this is always a problem with hub and i. our solution... i go to my fam's and he go to his. i'm not a fan of my in-laws so it's not a surprise. but in retrospect.. it doesn't seem ideal. you know what i mean. i really hope you and your fh can work this out. is it possible to have an early appearance at your in-laws and then go to your folks'? egoes will be crushed but tough cookies. from what you've written i really hope you get to spend some time with your fam. stay calm.

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Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

FH's parents live upstate, so we can't do the dinner/desert split thing. He decided on his own, without me asking him to, that he will spend Thanksgiving on LI with my family. We will go upstate for Christmas with his family. My family also doesn't celebrate christmas, so its not really a big deal for me. We also go up there for Easter. Because Thanksgiving and Christmas are so close together, I think that they are good holidays to split up. If you live close together though, I don't see any reason you can't spend part of the day with your family and part of the day with his. You are getting married, and once that happens you really can't split up for the holidays. Maybe after this holiday season is over, the two of you can sit down and work out a plan for how you will spend holidays in the future. Without the pressure of it happening right at the moment, you can talk camly about it. Then next year when this time rolls around, remember the plan you made, and stick to it.

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

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Posted by justshir

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

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Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

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Posted by LisaJill

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Posted by justshir

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

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Absolutely not. She has massive control issues and she is very intimidated by my family. She even canceled the meet the parents brunch i had scheduled... for no reason.

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Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

We have compromised in our house, since we're both the same religion. We spend Thanksgiving one year with my family, and the next with his, and so on.

Last year we spent it with his family. It was honestly the *WORST* Thanksgiving of my life. Seriously. My Grandmother may have been insufferable, but at least she was a good cook. MIL made such an awful dinner that I left hungry. After dinner, I got to sit through *3 hours* of MIL asking BIL what he wanted for Chanukah (Hmmm, son, you already have a car, a computer, a bunch of great clothes, and we pay for you to go to an Ivy League institution so you'll never have student loans, maybe you'd like an I-Pod? Well, Mom, I already have an MP3 player...) without ever once acknowledging that I was in the room.

The next day we went to NJ for leftovers at my Uncle's house. It helped make up for it. This year it'll be with my family, but I'm in for it next year at the ILs.

Here's my advice: Enjoy being unmarried this year and go without him if he won't go. As to his Mom, well, I chose to marry DH, not MIL. DH doesn't like her any more than I do, so we see her minimally.