UPDATE: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

After reading all of your comments and talking with my mom over the situation, I finally called her and we talked about the whole situation. I'm still a bit mad at her deciison to communicate something so important as her leaving next week but I guess I'm ok with her choice to move. She explained that she mass emailed everyone because she didn't have time to tell each person individually (but I still think I deserved a personal email or phone call since she had committed to being a bm), but what's done is done.

When I asked her what she meant by she didn't know if/when she'd be back, she said she would definitely be back for my wedding, but she doesn't know about being back for anything else.

If it's working out ok for all of you girls who have oot bms, then I guess she and I can try to work it out too.

Thanks for helping me look at the situation differently. I think it would've turned out really ugly had I called her in my livid state yesterday.

Message edited 10/25/2005 9:11:15 AM.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

Try talking to her...maybe there is a reason for such a quick decision...although I can understand why you would be upset.

Also, I have two BM that are out of state and I still feel as if everyone is involved! Hope this helps

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

honestly i don't think you have a right to be mad at her.

although your wedding is the biggest thing in your life, it's not for her. if she wants to move that badly, she must have a good reason. you can't be mad at her for her personal life decisions.

if she said she'd be there for your wedding, she'll be there.

all of my BMs except ONE live out of state. some have tried on dresses where they lived and reported back to me. others have been informed of the dresses i am considering and have chosen not to try it on.

your BM does not have to do everything with you planning-wise.

talk to her, but don't get mad. it's not your place to. good luck.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

It makes sense for you to be upset, if only because this girl is a good friend (presumably - you did ask her to be in your BP) and didn't tell you she was thinking about moving across the country.
When you talk to her, try not to come across as angry (even if you feel angry), because it'll promt her to be defensive. Express your surprise at the sudden decision and tell her you hope that she will still want her to be involved in the wedding planning once she's settled into her new place/job. Hopefully everything will work out fine - I'm sure it will.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

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Posted by SummerBride06

honestly i don't think you have a right to be mad at her.

although your wedding is the biggest thing in your life, it's not for her. if she wants to move that badly, she must have a good reason. you can't be mad at her for her personal life decisions.

if she said she'd be there for your wedding, she'll be there.

all of my BMs except ONE live out of state. some have tried on dresses where they lived and reported back to me. others have been informed of the dresses i am considering and have chosen not to try it on.

your BM does not have to do everything with you planning-wise.

talk to her, but don't get mad. it's not your place to. good luck.

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Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

HOnestly I would be hurt that you were part of the mass email & weren't personally told but if you are mad because it isn't working for the wedding I don't think you have a right to be mad. All but 1 of my BPs is out of state including my MoH & Matron of HOnor & really it wasn't a big problem. I worked aroud everyone being out of state. It will work out for you too...I would talk to her though & find out why the sudden life change but I wouldn't make it like it was interferring with your plans.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

that's just wierd of her. i'd call her and ask her about it, let her know how you feel! and ask her if she's still committed!

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

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Posted by SummerBride06

honestly i don't think you have a right to be mad at her.

although your wedding is the biggest thing in your life, it's not for her. if she wants to move that badly, she must have a good reason. you can't be mad at her for her personal life decisions.

if she said she'd be there for your wedding, she'll be there.



your BM does not have to do everything with you planning-wise.

talk to her, but don't get mad. it's not your place to. good luck.

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Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

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Posted by Mayflower

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Posted by SummerBride06

honestly i don't think you have a right to be mad at her.

although your wedding is the biggest thing in your life, it's not for her. if she wants to move that badly, she must have a good reason. you can't be mad at her for her personal life decisions.

if she said she'd be there for your wedding, she'll be there.

all of my BMs except ONE live out of state. some have tried on dresses where they lived and reported back to me. others have been informed of the dresses i am considering and have chosen not to try it on.

your BM does not have to do everything with you planning-wise.

talk to her, but don't get mad. it's not your place to. good luck.

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I think I'm more livid at the fact that as one of the bms, she could've told me personally instead of including me in an email to a bunch of other people. I might not be as mad if I was in the loop and had a chance to not freak that she was moving and had included in the message that she doesn't know "if and when" she would come back.

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Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I can understand being a little upset by the way that she told you (via mass email) and that she did not clue you into her plans until the last minute. Maybe it was a last minute decision. I def don’t think you have a right to be mad at the fact that she is moving, she has a right to make major decisions in her life with out consulting you. Like someone else said even though your wedding is the most importantly thing in your life (and rightfully so) it is not to her. I say talk to her and find out why she didn’t tell you before this.

Also I have 2 BMs out of state and the rest are all over NYS, and it all works out. In my case 4 out of the 9 girls that are the most involved include the 2 out of state.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

Don't jump to conclusions. Maybe she got a last minute job offer and needs to go quickly. Talk to her calmly and see what she says. I'm sure there is a valid explanation.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I'd be mad that she `mass emailed' you! You obviously asked her to be a BM cause you felt close to her!!!! She gets a

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I can understand that you're hurt b/c she never mentioned this MAJOR life change to you b/c you're supposed to be such good friends.....and then you hear about it in a generic email .......As for her moving to LA and still being a BM....what's the difference ? She will absolutely come back to NY for your Wedding Day - But she can't live the next year of her life around it .......(NOT that I'm saying you expect her to, but you can't be MAD at her for deciding to move)

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I understand and totally agree with you. I have had a few close friends tell me important life things via email. It hurts, especially when you feel so close to them. It's nice for the person to tell you face to face so that you can react together, whieter it be tears or jumping up and down in excitment together. Big things having to do with close friends deserve face to face. . .unless of course it's totally impossible, such as someone living out of town and having news to share, then a phone call is fine, or a hand written note, is ALWAYS nice, it adds a personal touch. Emails are not a good way to go with close friends. Emails are WAY to impersonal.

Having an out of town can definalty work out, it might be a little tougher to pull together, but I'm sure that it will all work out. Have a talk with your friend and tell her that you were upset by how she broke the news to you. Itf she's a good friend she understand your feelings, and probably feel bad, I'm sure she didn't do it intentally to hurt you. Good luck!

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I wouldn't be mad at her. Maybe she just made the decision and quickly sent out the e-mail. I'm sure she'll come back for your wedding. Call her and talk to her.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

I would be very upset at the mass email, (having once received something similar about a much more serious topic) but not the fact that she is moving. Each person has to do what is best for them. There is obviously some reason she is moving. Call her and calmly find out what it is.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

Quite frankly I do not understand why you are freaking out. Remember your wedding is a big thing for you that does not mean it must be the major thing in her life. I would say call her to find out if she will be there for your wedding and try to be supportive of her decision. Maybe there are things that are going on in her life that prompts her to make such sudden move. As a bride one thing I always take into consideration when I was planning my event is not too be too hard and demanding and to remember that my wedding will not be the most important thing in my BMs life.

Re: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

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Posted by Mayflower

Argh!

One of my bms just sent a mass email out to about 40 of her friends saying she was moving from NYC to LA on November 2! I'm usually understanding about these things, but I am now ready to kill her! I figured I would at least deserve a personal email from her about something as big as this.

The kicker: in her email, she writes: "Don't know if or when I'd be back"

When I called up FH crying, he said I should calm down and not get mad since lots of other people have bp members out of state, but I think I have every right to be furious at her since most people know in advance that their bms or gms are not in the area when they ask them to be in the bp.

Am I wrong to be upset at her?

FYI, we've been friends for years and were roommates in college and not once in the past month has she mentioned that she was moving to another state when I was trying to coordinate a dress shopping date.

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Re: UPDATE: BM dilemma/am i wrong to be mad???

about half my bm were out of state and honestly it worked out ok...just a little hectic when they had to try on dresses but nothing that wwe couldn't handle


good luck