Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Sorry you have to deal with this so close to your day.

I had a similar situation. We only wanted to invite 230, but ended up inviting 340 because FIL's had to invite everyone they knew. Thankfully they're chipping in a ton to help us out.

Just try to breath and know everything will work out in the end.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I told Fh that he needs to talk with his parents - and tell them that we are over our budget and out of cash - and that they need to help us.

but if he doesn't do this - I think I will talk to his mother myself.. and hope that my being the one to confront them does not ruin my relationship with FH - because I love him more than anything - but he is just not strong enough to do this - almost like he is afraid of his father - and yes his father is very intimidating - but I can't let my poor dad worry over this - especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

OMG!!! I feel terrible for you!
Tell them what I told my family and FH's family - this is the number of people I can invite because this is what I can afford. Anything over that - they have to pay for!! Needless to say, they didn't add any more to the list.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by mendara

I told Fh that he needs to talk with his parents - and tell them that we are over our budget and out of cash - and that they need to help us.

but if he doesn't do this - I think I will talk to his mother myself.. and hope that my being the one to confront them does not ruin my relationship with FH - because I love him more than anything - but he is just not strong enough to do this - almost like he is afraid of his father - and yes his father is very intimidating - but I can't let my poor dad worry over this - especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by mendara

especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by mendara

especially since it is so ridiculous that FIL are flying in the mayor of a town in italy for this wedding - this is not the real - it can't be real that they don't see this for themselves.

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla


I would sit down with IL's and demand to know who they invited. I would tell them that unless they can hand you cash for each and every single one of those people, that a letter is going out saying the following:

Dear so and so:

It is with regret that we must withdraw the invitation to our wedding. FH's parents sent out many invitations without our knowledge and permission. As a result, we are far beyond our budget and the maximum occupancy for our hall. We are deeply embarassed and very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
You and FH.

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I AGREE 100%!!!!!!!!!!! it is dispicable that they got their hands on your wedding invites and sent them out!

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Is your FFIL under the impression that it costs $10 a head for this wedding?

This has to stop and if your FI won't do it, you need to for your own sanity. You can't start your lives in debt like this and always resenting your FFIL.

Don't put anything in writing-Talk to them. If you get nowhere, you will have to fib a little and tell them that the wedding will be canceled unless they come up with much more money.

This doesn't make sense..have you already spoken to them after they came up with $3K?

Stand up for yourself..this just stinks like a buzzard in a sh!t wagon.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

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Posted by Beth1210

I think you should break it down for them

add up your and your FH's guest list

add up theirs- do the math- show them how much it is costing

they are so rude! I am shocked that a parent would do this to a child

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Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

fh - told me he spoke to his father and they will figure it out for me not to worry -

I am hoping he DID actualy talk to his father, but I will trust that he did -

he said he wish he could tell everyone to go to hell and marry me in a small chapel somewhere - i said so do I.

I don't know how they are planning on fixing this - but I will leave it up to them - HOWEVER - I will no longer keep quiet should the subject come up or I feel like spaeking about to them personally.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I'm soooo sorry you are dealing with this! I can't believe the nerve of them!!!!

I would definitely stand my ground. You really need to be stern. It's not fair for you or your father to worry about this. And worst of all the stain it's putting on you and your FH.

I would have a sit down with them, go over the budget, the # of people comfortably seated in you hall and hash it out. And soon!!!

You both may have to make compromises but whatever it takes at all costs don't let this fester any longer!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I would be very angry. I think that you should definately tell your FILs that what they are doing is wrong, and you can only pay for the 150 people that you originally planned for. If they can't come up with the money, they will need to explain to their guests that they can't afford to have them there. you don't even know the people for goodness sake. you probably will never ever meet them besides for your wedding.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I agree that you HAVE to say something, put your foot down. I am shocked to read what you are going through. Good luck

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

im glad that your FH did speakup....its the right thing to do! I ope they ame o an understanding and will help out more.

Fh and I are SOLELY paying for our wedding.....and each of our parents invited like 2 couples that they are friends with and we dont really know...but THATS IT! Your FIL have to understand where you are coming from and if THEY claim to not afford it, how can they expect YOU to.
I wish you nothign but the best through this and happinss fromhere forward.

And you will NOT regret the wedding and process....the good thought always outlast the bad!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. I think whoever gave your FIL's all those invites is at fault, if you give people an inch they'll take a mile. I myself am in a very similar situation except on i'm the other side of the fence..

Our estimated count was 150 heads. My SO comes from a small family + friends comes out to 60 and my list far exceeded 200 with friends (this is just the pre-list, no invites have been issued). So in the interest of sanity and our marriage, I cut friends of fam, all but my closest friends that i speak to at least weekly, no business associates, no work friends, no family past 3rd cousin (2nd cousin ok). Another option we had but decided against was "adults-only", but we swapped in kids for the 3rd cousins+. My grandmother dropped $3k to pay for the 15-20 2nd cousins she wants there. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, unfortunately both our parents are in no position to help us financially due to the job market and cost of living being what they are. Although your FIL only put in $3k, maybe that's all they can spare, you can't blame people for their economic situations (unless they're just cheap bastards). Our end number is 179, which minus the 20 heads my g-ma payed for up front is only 9 above our target number.

Marriage you two, and you should both understand that compromises may need to be made on either side to make things work, and if your FH doesn't understand that then they better learn quick if they want it to last.

Dually unfortunate, my SO just lost their job, if they can't find something within a month i'll be looking for a 2nd or new job with more pay to make up for their loss.. but that's a whole other story.

good luck!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I'm so sorry, that is awful. You have every right to be mad. They put you in a situation where you now feel out of control because there is nothing you can do about and you don't have the money for it. I'm so sorry!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I am so sorry that this is happening to you...planning a wedding isn't perfect but this is crazy. This is one of the reasons I handled all the invitations--neither side got invitations. I would make sure that your FH gets the remaining invitations that his parents have to make sure that no further invitations go out. I understand that maybe they don't have more than $3k to give you but at the same time they shouldn't be inviting peopel 3 weeks beofre the wedding. My list grew to more than I wanted to but alot of people are invited with guests & some peopel were invited to be polite. Both of our parents gave us money but nothing that is covering the entire wedding. Me & FH are paying the majority of it.

I hope that the next 3 weeks go much smoother & if you have no choice but to talk to your FILs then I would do it. I understand that FH spoke to his dad but it seems that this has been done in the past & he still doesn't get it. I would also have your FILs give you the numbers to those peopel that haven't responded so you have a better idea of the number coming. Maybe they all are saying NO!

Good luck!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Girl, you need to sit down and seriously speak with him! Your both not millionaires. It is so hard when your FH's family runs his life and he doesn't have the courage to stand up and say anything. Most of the people that I have invited are from my FH's side. He has about 75 and I have 25. Your FH needs to stand up and talk. It's not up to you to say anything! We all now that if you do, you'll be the bad one for the rest of your life. Good luck and I hope you resolve this issue a.s.a.p!!!!

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Sometimes things left unsaid is better! But in this case, girl, I honestly think you need to sit down and talk to your FIL's. You DO NOT want to get started on the wrong foot. This day is soppossed to be all about you and your FH!!!!
You need to express your feelings, you really don't need this burden on you. You don't deserve this! I truly feel for you girl!!!

And big ups to you Dad who works hard for a living, but was still made it possible to give soemthing to you. I know it meant a lot to you!!! And quite frankly, 7 G's is a lot!!!!!!

I only wish!!!!

Message edited 9/8/2005 6:32:12 PM.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

You have got to be kidding me??? How can she still be sending invites out? I would tell her unless you plan on giving me /us aot more money NO MORE people. that is nerve JMO. She has NO right. dont cancel anything things somehow have a way of working out. But really I dont know how she walks with those between her legs. And FH should tell his parents enough is enough and that can be said in a nice way. Good Luck

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I am SO SO SO sorry!!!! I don't have anything brilliant to add to the very sound advice and feedback that you have already received from the girls. However, I do want to reiterate that your FH REALLY REALLY needs to step up here!!! This is HIS family doing this to you guys and causing you all of this upset and distress. It is putting you in a terrible position. It is NOT for your dad to put in extra $$ and you should NOT be paying for these people. Either the FIL gives you the $$ for these extra people or the polite letter should go out. Anyone with common sense and sensitivity would realize the pressure and distress inviting all of these random extra people would cause you. Please tell FH to step up, he is the one who really should be handling this horrible situation....

I'm so sorry.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

Hello everyone - thanks for the advice - I hope it all works out - I declined and invite from the inlaws today to have dinner - FH said he spoke to his father - and I feel like if i am around him - I will snap.

I just read out load the names of the people who have not rsvp'd to FH - everysingle person on that list were people neither of us know...fh seemed sad by this and he is realizing my point about this.

This weekend I am pringitn a clean list with the counts and missing rsvp names - and I personally am going to bring this to the FIL and tell them they will have to call these people and ask them if they are coming because I and FH don't know any of them and then I am going to confirm that the money situation will be resolved by them -

as per FH I am not to worry about it and leave it up to them.

and so I will step out of this mess before I lose it an strangle someone.

but I wanted to thank of all your for helping me see that I am not crazy.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

omg I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. That's horrible and so unfair. Maybe they do only have 3000, but that doesnt give them the right to make you and FH and your dad go into debt.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You need to get FH on your side, but I think it's best to go around his back and confront the real problem like another BTB mentioned.

I'm so sad for you and sad that your Dad feels guilty. That breaks my heart. I'm truly angry for you.

I hope this all works out. You won't be happy until you resolve it, so do it now. You need to tell your IL's to dis-invite or pay up. If they don't do either....threaten to call the whole thing off.

Re: Terrible Meltdown Last Night - Long

You poor thing!!!
I hate to say this, but if they've been so underhanded in the process all along, what makes you think they're going to 'take care' of it all now?
Your FH saying that he and his Dad are taking care of it and you shouldn't worry sounds like they are just blowing you off because you're the one thats been raising concern about it and they don't want to hear it anymore. (maybe not your FH, but i'm sure his Dad)

I wouldnt' be able to sit back and not worry about it. When it comes time to pay the hall, who's paying? you need to know this up front because ultimately you and your FH are responsible for the money. There is a contract. If the hall asks you for money that you dont have, you can't say to them that your FFIL said don't worry about it - they still need their money!

When you meet with them, you have to leave there with a clear answer as to who is paying exactly what for what, because when the day comes and the hall is looking for money, you don't want to be left hanging..

Good luck!!