RP from BHB - I never thought I'd have to write one of these ...(LONG)

I have seen other posts similar to mine and at times have felt the urge to do the same. I didn't because I would wait until things smoothed over and return back to normal.

On more than one occasion, I have considered calling off my wedding. I am currently in that state of mind again. FH & I have a long history of arguing, but most of our core values are the same. However, there have been times in the past that I have not agreed with the way he chooses to handle his anger at a situation when he does not get what he wants. He often says and does things which he apologizes for and regrets later.

Our current problem is this.....FH had a surgery related to an accident several months back. He has been unable to work since then. He gets disability, but the rest of his bills I have been helping him with. At times I have felt unappreciated by him during our arguing and have wrongly reminded him that I help to support him financially --- which I know can be extremely bruising to the male ego.

He recently came into some money and wants to put most of it towards an investment that I am also putting in about half of what he is. He also wants to take $1000 of this money that he received to buy himself a "gift" as he has gone through the surgery and the recovery. I guess sort of a consolation prize.

I told him that I didn't want him doing this. The main reason is that "I" put $5K down on our reception site. "I" covered most of our e-party expenses (which he doesn't feel bad about because his thinking is that he shouldn't have to pay for my e-party after he just spent $10K on a e-ring for me). "I" have been working my A S S off to pay for his bills when he needs it. I should also mention that we have a home-based business that he works at full-time. I help him out part-time in addition to my full-time career. While he was on disability, he did not focus as much as he could have with our business to generate some extra income. But he could have if he wanted to.

We have a history of him not letting me finishing what I have to say and then he jumps to conclusion and gets mad at me and offended at what he "perceives" as what I think. This is where we are at right now. He thinks that I am telling him that my money is "worth" more than his because I tell him that I worked hard for it. He is extremely insulted because I tell him that after he buys his "gift" there will come a day when he won't have enough money for his bills and I will have to fork it up. We are not in a position financially right now to buy ourselves lavish gifts. He thinks I am being insensitive to the pain and suffering and possible never fully recovering that he is experiencing from his surgery.

I am just so tired of this. We have all these expense coming up and guess who has to pay for them? Me! He is threatening to quit his business and go back to a regular "job" rather that have me have him by the B-LLS financially as he put it.

I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong? I would appreciate both a male and female perspective on this.

Re: RP from BHB - I never thought I'd have to write one of these ...(LONG)

you poor poor thing.

ok - first i feel bad that you are having doubts - its such a scary feeling in itsself that i am sorry you are feeling this way - forget all of the other bs FH is dragging you through.

i also do not think you are wrong or a "sucker" or anything for carrying your man while he was on disability. that is what relationships are all about - having someone to lean on.

But unfortunately i do think that FH is in depression or something. buy himself a $100 "consolation" gift ?? where is your consolation gift?? and the fact that he spent $10k on a ring is pointless for him to throw in your face - unless you picked out the ring yourself - the $10k is and was his problem.

it sounds like you are both involved in a lot of things between work and career and business - and it can be putiing extra stress on your wedding, its planning, and the both of you. don't lose sight that this marriage is about two people who are going 2b there to love and support each other - not fight dirty and ugly and make you cry.

i am wondering if it is not best for you to maybe stop paying his bills and slow on the wedding planning - guys are a totally different animal - you sound like you have everything under control (which is something 2b proud of) but maybe he feels lost and would like to stand on his own....(if he has $1000 for a gift - i think he can give that toward his rent instead)

good luck and best wishes.....

Re: RP from BHB - I never thought I'd have to write one of these ...(LONG)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it is normal for every bride to be to have doubts..... But some should be taken seriously. What do you mean he doesn't handle his anger and always apologizes after? Is he abusive? I have been in abusive relationships before and they don't get better, they get worse. I know I am being blunt but, you really have to weigh out your problems, are they worth it? Do you see a silver lining? Sometimes there isn't one. Are these problems that will be life long? I agree that " that is what relationships are all about - having someone to lean on. " but there is a point when a line is crossed. It's fine to have someone to help you when you fall, but he sounds like he is taking advantage. I would definitely talk to him about seeking professional help, but even sometimes that's not enough! You have to decide what's best for you, but just remember, it's easier to call off a wedding, then go through a divorce. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I just have been in a similar situation, I went out w/ this louse who just took took took and never gave, he also had a drug problem, and started to become abusive..... Well, i left him and 5 years later, he's still the same guy. If you want to talk, please feel free to fm me!