I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

I have seen other posts similar to mine and at times have felt the urge to do the same. I didn't because I would wait until things smoothed over and return back to normal.

On more than one occasion, I have considered calling off my wedding. I am currently in that state of mind again. FH & I have a long history of arguing, but most of our core values are the same. However, there have been times in the past that I have not agreed with the way he chooses to handle his anger at a situation when he does not get what he wants. He often says and does things which he apologizes for and regrets later.

Our current problem is this.....FH had a surgery related to an accident several months back. He has been unable to work since then. He gets disability, but the rest of his bills I have been helping him with. At times I have felt unappreciated by him during our arguing and have wrongly reminded him that I help to support him financially --- which I know can be extremely bruising to the male ego.

He recently came into some money and wants to put most of it towards an investment that I am also putting in about half of what he is. He also wants to take $1000 of this money that he received to buy himself a "gift" as he has gone through the surgery and the recovery. I guess sort of a consolation prize.

I told him that I didn't want him doing this. The main reason is that "I" put $5K down on our reception site. "I" covered most of our e-party expenses (which he doesn't feel bad about because his thinking is that he shouldn't have to pay for my e-party after he just spent $10K on a e-ring for me). "I" have been working my A S S off to pay for his bills when he needs it. I should also mention that we have a home-based business that he works at full-time. I help him out part-time in addition to my full-time career. While he was on disability, he did not focus as much as he could have with our business to generate some extra income. But he could have if he wanted to.

We have a history of him not letting me finishing what I have to say and then he jumps to conclusion and gets mad at me and offended at what he "perceives" as what I think. This is where we are at right now. He thinks that I am telling him that my money is "worth" more than his because I tell him that I worked hard for it. He is extremely insulted because I tell him that after he buys his "gift" there will come a day when he won't have enough money for his bills and I will have to fork it up. We are not in a position financially right now to buy ourselves lavish gifts. He thinks I am being insensitive to the pain and suffering and possible never fully recovering that he is experiencing from his surgery.

I am just so tired of this. We have all these expense coming up and guess who has to pay for them? Me! He is threatening to quit his business and go back to a regular "job" rather that have me have him by the B-LLS financially as he put it.

I just don't know what to do. Am I wrong? I would appreciate both a male and female perspective on this.

Message edited 8/27/2005 6:39:25 PM.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

Sooo sorry to hear that you are going through this. Finances are the #1 cause of problems in most couples and it is not an easy thing to have to deal with. I really think you should sit down with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling and put it all out on the table, no holds barred, because if you are feeling this way he really needs to know. Alot of time men just dont realize that things are "that bad" until you sit them down and let it be known that you are basically at the end of your rope. I hope things work themselves out for the two of you. Just know that money is not everything, but at the same time, you need to let him know how you feel about everything because it is affecting you. Also know that while you might be helping him right now with his bills, there may come a day when you might need his help with yours and I am sure he would do the same for you, at least I hope so. But if this is something you cannot deal with, you really need to lay it out to him and be honest about how you feel!

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

While you may work through this phase, this difference in how you treat money could cause greater problems in the future. As the other person posted, money problems are the number one cause of divorce. If he wants to spend all his money on extras while you are paying for necessities, I could see why you would begin to resent him. If you plan on pooling your funds, this may not be an issue if you treat all money as both of yours, not each separately.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

i think you both need to sit down and have a loooooong talk!

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

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Posted by palebride


i think you both need to sit down and have a loooooong talk!

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Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

Male perspective:


He does make a good point about the e-party. I also agree that the e-party should be handled by you or your family since it does cost an ARM and a LEG for an e-ring. If he did indeed spend 10k... thats a lot of money.

But with that aside... it does sound like you do quite a bit for him. Me and Vanessa paid for our wedding 50/50. The wedding is something he should contribute to (even though a LOT of weddings are solely handled by the bride's side).

And I think Vanessa would be somewhat annoyed if I came across some money and wanted to get a gift for myself if money was tight in general.

But her getting annoyed would depend on one thing. May I ask how much money he stumbled upon total? I ask for the following reason...

If he only came up with say $2000 and he is spending HALF of it on himself (the $1000)... thats kinda wrong.

But if he came up with a much larger number like $10000.... he put $9000 of it into the mutual investment with you... and spent $1000 of it on himself... i don't think thats as big of a deal cause its a much HIGHER percentage.


As far as those other things about cutting you off... not appreciating... I cannot comment on that without knowing the full story.


Male perspective given.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

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Posted by Future_Mrs_B

Alot of time men just dont realize that things are "that bad" until you sit them down and let it be known that you are basically at the end of your rope.

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Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

How you handle this battle will contribute to determining whether or not you two can have a successful marriage. Money issues are the #1 reason couples argue and it's one of the hardest issues to work through in a relationship. If you can resolve this argument constructively and both walk away learning something and being able to compromise, it will help make your relationship stronger and better able to handle the financial pitfalls that marriage will surely bring.

That said, here's what I think of the argument so far. The jumping to conclusions on his part is his way of making himself the victim. I know this trick well because I do it all the time and it's immature (yes, I admit it!). He's trying to guilt you into seeing it his way and that is not productive. You both need to work out a SOLUTION to this issue.

What will make him feel better? If he can use maybe half of the $1000 instead as a gift for himself?

What will make you feel better? If he pays off some major bills first? If he leaves a nice cushion in the bank for the rainy days?

It also sounds like you both need to appreciate and try to understand each other's positions a little better. You need to try and see that he might feel needy and too dependent on you financially - a definite blow to his ego on top of being unable to work. Is he trying to compensate for this by buying himself something? Or does he just want to treat himself? (Hey, it's allowed) There's definitely something in that comment about you "having him by the balls financially". You need to get to the root of that.

He needs to try appreciate you and how hard you have been working to keep you BOTH (not just HIM) afloat during this rough time when he can't work. He needs to see that you having been doing something for the BOTH of you and that him treating himself, looks a little selfish to you right now, and rightfully so. What he wants to do with money could foster resentment toward him.

If and when the two of you can see each other's side of the story and try to be understanding then you can begin to work this out. But you both have to put a little of your egos aside (something that always comes into play in financial arguments) and decide that you want to resolve the issue, not just fight about it.

HTH and GOOD LUCK. I hope you end up finding that you can resolve the issue and you just had a good practice bump for your marriage.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think it is extremely inappropriate for him to buy himself a gift if he can't afford to pay his bills. The fact that he thinks it is acceptable most likely foreshadows future problems with poor judgment regarding money. He probably is not worried about it though because he knows you will pick up the tab. For me, all of this would be a deal breaker! But you might be different. I would just ask yourself whether you are willing to live this way the rest of your life assuming that he never changes.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

Let me say this-me and FH we have argued and still argue about the same thing. Most of you girls if not all of you girls will think I am crazy-but FH and I moved to SC about 3 years ago-he didnt do the move so well b/c it was mainly NY cost too much money-so it wasnt really a choice. He worked for about 2 months after we got here, then didnt work another day until Feb of this year-stopped working in March and began working again this past couple of weeks.
I paid the bills, put gas in the car, bought food, took him to dinner, bought all the things that we need-and as said wrongly brought up the fact that I paid the bills. I would even give him money to go out while I was at work.
You need to talk!!! ASAP! We have had fights where I have packed my **** and walked out-gotten in HIS car and left! But, I always come back.
Stop and think before you talk to him-figure out what you want to say and how you want to say things. Tell him you need to talk and tell him you dont want him to say a thing you just want him to listen and he can talk when you are done. If he cant be quiet (i know it sounds childish) but write it down and make him read it.
This I can tell you-there will come a day when I wont want to work and he will support ME-so i know it will come back around. But-the issue of money can wear thin on patience and cause more stress on your part which in turn causes him to get mad about it then you argue. Anytime I yelled at FH about it-he didnt want to listen and he always said-when you yell I ignore you, when you speak then I will listen.
If he cares about you and really loves and wants to be with you-he will listen or read and he will apologize and things will change.
I hope that you are able to fix the situation and I am sorry you are going thru this, I have been there and it hurts.
Good Luck

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

Arguing about money? My FH and I never do that!

Seriously, that's all we fight about! My FH thinks that we should spend less on the wedding and more on the honeymoon. He'd have us on a month trip through Europe and our wedding favors would be a handshake- if he had his way.

I agree with what everyone else seems to be saying- have a long talk! Sit him down and make sure he understands exactly how you're feeling but don't forget to listen to how he is feeling. Make sure he is aware that you just cannot go on the way it is going now. Good luck! And I hope everything works out for you.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.
I think that you NEED to work out these issues before you are married. You have serious concerns about serious issues. Financial arguments will not disappear because you become Mr. And Mrs. Arguments such as these have the potentioal to get even bigger once you are married. If you feel totally under appreciated by your FH, you MUST have a talk with him. Perhaps he is just not aware that this is going on and hurting you this much?! If this is the case, I am sure that he will be willing to do anything in his power to make you happy and feel secure. But if he really isn't concerned, you need to know! If you have a long conversation with him and you feel as if he is still totally unresponsive to working out the issues, definalty make sure you are doing the right thing when it comes to marrying him! Don't get stuck in a marrige that leaves you feeling under appreciated, resentful and angrgy. (I am sure we have all seen married couples living a life like that! and who needs that?) I hope that you can talk with your FH, and he will see how you have been feeling. Make sure he understands how you feel about him spending part of the money on himself, especially when you both can really use it wedding realted things, or for your future together. Perhaps the "extra" money can go towards a joint present for the two of you, such as a extra few days added on to your honeymoon, or a brand new bed for your wedding night Make sure he knows that by becoming husband and wife, what's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours. I hope that everything works out for you and wish you nothing but the best.

Message edited 8/28/2005 12:08:20 PM.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

I'm sooooo sorry you are going through this. You both need to really sit down and communicate to each other how you both feel.
I know I have a terrible temper which I'm trying to change and that I have a tendency to get frustrated and just really give it to my FI. It hurts his feelings and makes him not wanna communicate. (In my mind- I'm like just suck it up and get over it- but it probably does hurt him).
Try sitting down calmy and maybe even apologizing for things he may have interpreted as being hurtful.
Another thing though, he really needs to appreciate you more and be concerned about the both of you instead of himself....
But, trust me- I would be just as pissed off.

Message edited 8/28/2005 2:48:07 PM.

Re: I never thought I'd have to write one of these.... (LONG)

Thank you all for your input. Thanks DJPill for your male perspective. It definetely helped to put things into more perspective for me.

We ended up talking more about the issue yesterday and things have smoothed over. I am trying to not be a nudge about the gift he wants to buy for himself. I do know that there will be a day that he will be supporting me financially and I would feel bad if I was being reminded of that periodically. His main point is that he is showing his appreciation for all the support I have given him by putting practically all this money towards our future. His point is that he could have chosen to just match my contribution and decided to do something else with the remainder (i.e. buy a car -- which, in turn Iwould have gotten his old car, which I need a new one anyway). But he decided to hand practically all of it over to me.

There are times I do feel like seeing a couples therapist just because relationships are definetely not easy and sometimes his personality is not easy to deal with. Hearing all of your perspectives greatly helped me. Thank you.