Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

What do I say to a friend who has a boyfriend of several years and is still not engaged and is getting very angry and impatient about it? She feels that people all around her (including FH and I) have been together for a much shorter time, and are planning weddings while she isn't...

She's not being rude or jealous, she's just very frustrated and I don't know what to say. They've been together 4 years now, and her boyfriend actually did mention getting engaged this summer but she just feels like she's fighting so hard for it and it's not coming naturally.

What can I say to really make her feel better. She seems really down and I'm worried for her.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

She needs to tell him that marriage is something very important and something she very much wants. And she needs to tell him that if he can't give her that, she will have to move on.

(I read several self-help books for singletons and got this advice from The Surrendered Single. I thought it was the best non-ultimatum ultimatum. This way she's not putting it on him like "marry me or else". She'd be telling him what she needs and wants and if he's not the one to give it to he someone else will).

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I would tell her to talk to him about her concerns....but to NOT push marriage or an engagenttn on him.
I have a friend who was dating someone for about 3 years and gave him an ultimatum to propose to her because she, too, was getting frustrated.
Well, he propsed to her, they started planning, and then about 6 months into the engagement...he broke it off and broke her heart.
Each relationship takes a different course. Each has a differnt timeline.
Try to make her understand that she can't compare her relationship to others and what will happen, will happen, if it's right
to your friend

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I would tell her to start slowly backing away from him. Do things on her own, maybe take a class or something...Go out with friends more...

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

Article Most importantly, a marriage proposal should be joyful and free from conditions or obligation. She shouldn't push--then she will never know if it is something he truly wants.

Another article

Message edited 4/13/2005 9:34:08 AM.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I would tell her that if she continues to compare herself to other couples, she's in for a lifetime of disappointment and frustration.

Who knows what is going on in his head? Sure, maybe he'll never propose and is just stringing her along and she should move on....or maybe he's saving up for a monster-sized ring.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I truly feel like Im an expert on this situation bc technically "I am" that girl!!!! Ok let me backtrack.. I was with my ex for 3 years.. we lived together and every1 was planning weddings and moviing fwd in there relationship and we were going no where!!! plus his family made me feel like cause we werent engaged he must not really love me., so i started getting really clingy and pushy and wondering where is this going? why hasnt he proposed? all that stuff... so we finally went to look at e-rings and started talking about it, and long story short... we did all this but mainly cause i was pushy and it ended up being not something he was ready for at all and we broke up.. now speaking from experience i feel 2 ways.. yes ur friend does need to know if this relationship is progressing fwd, cause what is a relationship unless it is something that makes u happy and is constantly evolving and making ur life better, BUT if he is making strides to move the relationship fwd and shes just getting antsy and wants it now i urge her to backoff and not put the pressure on..if she persuades him to propose it is doomed to fail, it is something they should both want and it should happen naturally...but if she truly feels that all the waiting will do no good and even down the road they wont get married or engaged she needs to decid if she is willing to invest any more time into their relationship or cut her losses. some days i wish i hadnt pressured my ex and maybe in due time he would have been ready, and other days i realize that it was just his nature to be content with the here and now and never everlook to the future, we were very different in that respect and obviously better off splitting insteead of gettingmarried.. tell ur friend goodluck and keep us posted:)

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

Thanks! I think you're all giving great advice...

I really like the articles too, but I don't know if I should forward them to her.
It's like, I am 100% sincere in wanting what's best for her, but I've heard her complain about other people telling her to leave him and she always seems to think they're either jealous or otherwise not being sincere with her... I'm almost afraid to really "tell it like it is."

Maybe I'll just stick to the everyone has their own timetable and your time will come and all that... And if you two know what you have is real, who cares what other people think and don't let the pressure get to you... I don't know!

I am so confused. i want to be an honest and good friend, but I'm afraid she doesn't REALLY want to hear it.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by MuchInLuvMichi

I truly feel like Im an expert on this situation bc technically "I am" that girl!!!! Ok let me backtrack.. I was with my ex for 3 years.. we lived together and every1 was planning weddings and moviing fwd in there relationship and we were going no where!!! plus his family made me feel like cause we werent engaged he must not really love me., so i started getting really clingy and pushy and wondering where is this going? why hasnt he proposed? all that stuff... so we finally went to look at e-rings and started talking about it, and long story short... we did all this but mainly cause i was pushy and it ended up being not something he was ready for at all and we broke up.. now speaking from experience i feel 2 ways.. yes ur friend does need to know if this relationship is progressing fwd, cause what is a relationship unless it is something that makes u happy and is constantly evolving and making ur life better, BUT if he is making strides to move the relationship fwd and shes just getting antsy and wants it now i urge her to backoff and not put the pressure on..if she persuades him to propose it is doomed to fail, it is something they should both want and it should happen naturally...but if she truly feels that all the waiting will do no good and even down the road they wont get married or engaged she needs to decid if she is willing to invest any more time into their relationship or cut her losses. some days i wish i hadnt pressured my ex and maybe in due time he would have been ready, and other days i realize that it was just his nature to be content with the here and now and never everlook to the future, we were very different in that respect and obviously better off splitting insteead of gettingmarried.. tell ur friend goodluck and keep us posted:)

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Message edited 4/13/2005 9:43:09 AM.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

I would tell her to start slowly backing away from him. Do things on her own, maybe take a class or something...Go out with friends more...

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Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I think Michi has some very good advice there - I feel these things should happen naturally and if he hasn't proposed yet - I would think that he is not ready to, I wouldn't push the issue - because that might put him on the defensive and if he does propose then she will always wonder - did he really want to marry me or did I force him? I don't know - I'm sure he knows she wants to get married - If she has a strong loving relationship with her boyfriend that is what should matter.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

It's so hard, and I know you wouldn't want to say this to her, but what if it is just that he doesn't think she is it? Michi was still young when she and her boyfriend broke up, but I can't imagine devoting the years between 20 and 30 to someone, then realizing they will never want to really commit to you. If I were her, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, but would start becoming more independent, and have a deadline in my head--6 mos., whatever. If he has made no progress, then I would end it. Like everyone else says, if he knows it is important to her, he would want to make her happy unless he had some severe reservations.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

This happened to one of my BMs too. Her & my cousin were dating 11 years before they got engaged. They got engaged last month. She was not jealous of me or any of their friends or other family members that had gotten engaged and married before her. They had alot of hurrdles to get over (graducating from college, her graducating from law school, getting jobs, saving, etc.) but it all worked out in the end and now they are engaged.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by 12-3Princess

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Posted by MuchInLuvMichi

I truly feel like Im an expert on this situation bc technically "I am" that girl!!!! Ok let me backtrack.. I was with my ex for 3 years.. we lived together and every1 was planning weddings and moviing fwd in there relationship and we were going no where!!! plus his family made me feel like cause we werent engaged he must not really love me., so i started getting really clingy and pushy and wondering where is this going? why hasnt he proposed? all that stuff... so we finally went to look at e-rings and started talking about it, and long story short... we did all this but mainly cause i was pushy and it ended up being not something he was ready for at all and we broke up.. now speaking from experience i feel 2 ways.. yes ur friend does need to know if this relationship is progressing fwd, cause what is a relationship unless it is something that makes u happy and is constantly evolving and making ur life better, BUT if he is making strides to move the relationship fwd and shes just getting antsy and wants it now i urge her to backoff and not put the pressure on..if she persuades him to propose it is doomed to fail, it is something they should both want and it should happen naturally...but if she truly feels that all the waiting will do no good and even down the road they wont get married or engaged she needs to decid if she is willing to invest any more time into their relationship or cut her losses. some days i wish i hadnt pressured my ex and maybe in due time he would have been ready, and other days i realize that it was just his nature to be content with the here and now and never everlook to the future, we were very different in that respect and obviously better off splitting insteead of gettingmarried.. tell ur friend goodluck and keep us posted:)

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Wow, thanks! A lot of what you said really sounds 100% applicable to her and her situation! thank you for sharing!

ETA: even the part with his family - that is a MAJOR point of contention for them! His mom is still treating her as an outsider and he's not really doing much to stop it.

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Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I know... and I really think now that she's been with him for 4 years already, and she is going to be 28 this year, she really doesn't want to "start over" with someone new. I mean, that is a REALLY horrible reason to stay with someone but I have a feeling that is partially what's really bothering her. I'm sure she has genuine feelings of love for him too though, so I don't mean to diminish that.

I didn't mention that she did give him an ultimatum already (which I did not think was a great idea, but she didn't tell me until AFTER she did it)... She basically told him that if he didn't propose prior to their lease being renewed (which happens in JUne) that she was going to move out and leave... Since then, he has been saying he wants to get engaged "this summer."

I don't know - I mean, the whole thing is hard. I don't know what he is thinking but I do know there are major problems between her and his mom and that he doesn't defend her very much. That may be a HUGE factor holding him back. Also, although she has threatened to move out, I don't think she'd really do it.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by 12-3Princess

I know... and I really think now that she's been with him for 4 years already, and she is going to be 28 this year, she really doesn't want to "start over" with someone new. I mean, that is a REALLY horrible reason to stay with someone but I have a feeling that is partially what's really bothering her. I'm sure she has genuine feelings of love for him too though, so I don't mean to diminish that.

I didn't mention that she did give him an ultimatum already (which I did not think was a great idea, but she didn't tell me until AFTER she did it)... She basically told him that if he didn't propose prior to their lease being renewed (which happens in JUne) that she was going to move out and leave... Since then, he has been saying he wants to get engaged "this summer."

I don't know - I mean, the whole thing is hard. I don't know what he is thinking but I do know there are major problems between her and his mom and that he doesn't defend her very much. That may be a HUGE factor holding him back. Also, although she has threatened to move out, I don't think she'd really do it.

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Message edited 4/13/2005 10:05:11 AM.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

I feel so bad for your friend, its such an emotional roller coaster to be on. I am a firm believer in communication-not ultimatum. I think she should take some time, a few days, maybe, whatever works for her, and do some thinking, and soul searching(I know it sounds corny) to think over her goals and if they include the man she is with. Then approach him confidently and tell him what she wants, then compare if their goals with work together, and if they are a "fit".

And I agree, you cant compare your timeline to anyone else's

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by MuchInLuvMichi

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Posted by 12-3Princess

I know... and I really think now that she's been with him for 4 years already, and she is going to be 28 this year, she really doesn't want to "start over" with someone new. I mean, that is a REALLY horrible reason to stay with someone but I have a feeling that is partially what's really bothering her. I'm sure she has genuine feelings of love for him too though, so I don't mean to diminish that.

I didn't mention that she did give him an ultimatum already (which I did not think was a great idea, but she didn't tell me until AFTER she did it)... She basically told him that if he didn't propose prior to their lease being renewed (which happens in JUne) that she was going to move out and leave... Since then, he has been saying he wants to get engaged "this summer."

I don't know - I mean, the whole thing is hard. I don't know what he is thinking but I do know there are major problems between her and his mom and that he doesn't defend her very much. That may be a HUGE factor holding him back. Also, although she has threatened to move out, I don't think she'd really do it.

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maybe shes dating my ex cause i feel like she is living exactly what i went threw LOL!!!!!.. she should back off and drop the subject and see what happens in the summer..let him do it at his own time, and if summer comes and goes and his WORDS ment NOTHING, id hit the road:) oh and as far as his dreaded mother... i was in the same boat, she was a BIATCH!!!! a real piece of crud and he just delt with it and never opened his mouth, and in hindsight i wish i had just ignored her, every1 knew she was a witch and that was her nature and it made me soo mad when he didnt tell her to F-off! but the bottom line is no matter how horrible she is its still his mother!!! and she was his mother b4 she was his gf, so no matter what a shi**y person she is, she gave birth to him and he has loyalty to her no matter how evil she may be lol..now i feel like im talking about my ex's mother but it is the truth.. lol.. These r things I wish I had realized when I was with my ex, so once again its JMO but i hope this helps:)

ETA: 28 is still young... i hope she doesnt stay wth him just cause its easier the being single, its hard being single but its harder being in a loveless relationship:)

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Message edited 4/13/2005 10:16:34 AM.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

People have been giving some really great advice. One of my best friends dated her boyfriend (now husband) for almost 7 years and really felt this way as well. Finally she just told him, "look, this is what I want, this is where I see us going and if you're not in the same place then we can't be with each other right now." It was the most difficult and brave thing for her to do. She knew what she needed and wanted and trusted in herself and her family and friends enough to know that if, even after 7 years, he wasn't the 'one' she would be OK. Well, after 3 months apart, he realized he did not want to be without her. He proposed and they married...get this.... 4 MONTHS later They are one of my 2 absolutely favorite couples for how considerate and awesome they are together....
BUT...I dont' think it would have ever turned out this way if she hadn't asserted herself and been willing to do what was really best for herself.

good luck to you friend...it's a tough situation...

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

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Posted by TwoBugs

I would tell her that if she continues to compare herself to other couples, she's in for a lifetime of disappointment and frustration.

Who knows what is going on in his head? Sure, maybe he'll never propose and is just stringing her along and she should move on....or maybe he's saving up for a monster-sized ring.

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Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

7 years before we got engaged. I packed a suitcase and put it in the hall. He questioned me, I told him I couldn't stay. He proposed 2 months later. Some men do need a kick in the butt.

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

Sometimes, there's ANOTHER reason a guy won't propose, and I know this firsthand.

Just before last Valentine's Day (2004), FH and I were talking about getting engaged. He said that it would be a long time before he saved up enough for what he felt is the "perfect ring" - I told him that the ring isn't everything, and the topic was dropped.

Several months later, in November, 3 of my friends got engaged to men they had been dating for about a year - Fh and I had been together for 4.5 years at that point. I was a little upset, and shed a couple tears (ALONE, in a bathroom, and he never saw them) because I knew that what we had seemed to be SO MUCH MORE than what my friends had w/ their now FHs, and I was frustrated.

Somehow, on that November day, FH knew that I was upset over the whole thing. He brought up the topic of engagement, and again, said that he couldn't afford a ring at the time. We talked for about an hour, and I FINALLY got him to understand that it's NOT THE RING! I just want to know that he loves me, and that he wants to marry me.

WELL..... he proposed 2 days later, with no ring.

It's almost 5 months later, and there's still no ring, but I have my man, and he's my FH, not just my "boyfriend", and I'm so happy.

Maybe there's a financial issue that your friend isn't aware of? My FH says all the time that he wants to buy me something that I'll love forever - something that I'll never upgrade, so it's taking a little longer to get the funds together. Maybe her FH is like mine!

Re: Need advice! What do I say to a friend who . . .

Here's from a guys point of view....Tell her not to push the issue. Guys don't like to be put in a spot, and pressured. I'm sure her time is going to come. She'll just have to wait it out.

Bri never once pressed the issue about getting engaged. When I felt the time was right, I proposed. She had no clue.