NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I have a really good friends since I was in pampers. To try and make a long story short she has been with her boyfriend for almost 5 years. They were engaged at one point about 2 years ago and all of a sudden out of nowhere she dumped him, gave back the ring and started dating someone else!
We were all in shock! Well this new guy kinda dissed her after a few months and eventually she and her boyfriend got back together but not re-engaged. He is a GREAT guy and my DH and him have gotten close over the past year. They were BOTH in our bridal party even.
Well last week I heard from a VERY reliable source that my friend cheated on her boyfriend. Not just kissed some guy.. Slept with him and everything. My DH is sooo upset and wants to tell her boyfriend. I think its none of our business plus its not like we have proof and she will just deny it and all friendships will be ruined. DH then confided in me that her boyfriend is planning on re-proposing soon and thinks he has the right to know ( he says if the shoe were on the other foot he would want someone to tell him)

I haven't told DH but I know of 2 other times she cheated on her current BF ( I don't know to what extent the cheating was in those other situations) but she had told me herself & has repeatedly brought up the fact that she can't believe she did something like that, and how she was stupid and would never make that mistake again.

Sorry so long but I am soooo lost!! Any advice would be appreciated!!!

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Well, first off your friend needs help. Intervention, couceling, everything you can think of. And you need to start asap. Confronting her is going to be the first most important thing. She said both times she would never do it again. Basically this means that she has a problem. She probably did it way back when the first time.

Even if you were not friends with this guy, he is a human being that WILL be hurt over and over again. I HIGHLY doubt that when she has the ring on her finger she is going to change. Look at last time.

You are also doing her a favor. I was a horrible person one time a long time ago. Couldn't believe the things I did. It took alot of things going wrong in my life, and new people who did not take advantage of me (and Jesus but this is not a religous speech) to change. And I look back on my past and cring almost every day.

You need to help them both. You may loose a friend at first, or even 2. But in the end, if she changes because of your intervention, she will thank you. Remember, talk to her first, give her the lo down.

Sorry so long, I just feel really strongly about this.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I have been in a similar situation and it was my sister that was doing the cheating....long story short and many years later I think it should have been her job to tell her FH what happened. My sister and I are still close but things will never be the same again. So what I am saying is I think you should confront your girlfriend, and tell her what you think she needs to do.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I think that your DH's intentions are good and I understand wanting to tell his friend, but it is not his place or yours. It's definitely asking for trouble among all relationships involved. Has he considered the possibility that his may not believe him (or want to believe him) and get angry with him? And as far as the two incidents you know about personally because she told you, do you know for a fact that they haven't discussed it and come to terms with her cheating?

You never know, he may know about some of it and may have forgiven her. You may just rehash things for him and cause him more hurt and embarassment because then he'll realize that other people know about it.

The only thing I can suggest that *might* help is for you or your DH to approach the girlfriend (your friend) alone and confront her with the information. He could tell her that if he ever hears of it again, he'll tell her BF. Or he could encourage her to confess -- soon. But even that confrontation could cause rifts in the friendships so be careful deciding this.

I really do understand the good intentions here, but when it comes to somebody else's relationship I believe in a hands off policy. You usually can't change their mind about the person if they are in love and many times all you get is that the friend turns against you.

I know for a fact that my cousin's husband cheated on her during my DH's bachelor party. It makes me VERY sad and angry. But I would never say anything to her.

Good luck, I know this is hard.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I say stay out of it and let them deal with their situation... because they wind up making up and then u become the bad guy.

What goes on in the dark, WILL COME TO LIGHT!

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Oh my gosh! what a nightmare! I feel awful for her b-friend!

I am definitely one of those people who doesn't believe in being intrusive, BUT.... I think that if I were in your shoes, I would probably have a long talk face to face with this friend of yours so you can find out what the story is. She clearly doesn't truly love this man. I would never even dream of cheating on my FH. I had a nightmare about it not too long ago... I woke up and almost started to vomit (no joke!)

I feel really bad for her b-friend! he sounds like a really nice guy... and he would be devastated.

Good luck! This is a really tough situation!

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by Borricuamorena0905

I say stay out of it and let them deal with their situation... because they wind up making up and then u become the bad guy.

What goes on in the dark, WILL COME TO LIGHT!

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by jesslangen

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Posted by Borricuamorena0905

I say stay out of it and let them deal with their situation... because they wind up making up and then u become the bad guy.

What goes on in the dark, WILL COME TO LIGHT!

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I couldn't agree more!!!!!!!! Very well said!

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I agree. The best thing is to not get involved at all. Let them work it out.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Stay out of it. I knew about a friend cheating on her fiance since it happened while we were on vacation to attend a wedding of all things. I kept my mouth shut. They eventually broke off the engagement for other reasons. I doubt there were any confessions.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by Borricuamorena0905

I say stay out of it and let them deal with their situation... because they wind up making up and then u become the bad guy.

What goes on in the dark, WILL COME TO LIGHT!

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Tell your DH to keep quiet -
He's had a friend for a few years, YOU have had a friend for a lifetime. -So personally I think he should stay out of it. However, I think YOU should talk to her and let her know what's going on. Give her the benefit of a million years of your trust and friendship - b/c if you or your DH go behind her back to tell her boyfriend, all of those years will be lost.
And to be honest, even though she is wrong to be cheating, YOU are HER friend - So yes, you tell her what's up and you tell her she's wrong, but you don't betray her friendship and trust by telling her boyfriend. - JMO
I'm sure you'll figure it out. That's an awful and akward spot for you and your FH to be put in .........

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

My Xboy cheated on me...we were dating for 2 years when I discovered the girls phone # on my cell phone bill...it turned out that he starting see this girl 3 months prior...and all of our friends knew...some even met her. Naturally I felt that I could never trust any of those people...and have not spoken to them in the past 4 yrs. So my point is if your friendship with the bofriend is important than you should say something.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by Borricuamorena0905

I say stay out of it and let them deal with their situation... because they wind up making up and then u become the bad guy.

What goes on in the dark, WILL COME TO LIGHT!

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by boobobunny

My Xboy cheated on me...we were dating for 2 years when I discovered the girls phone # on my cell phone bill...it turned out that he starting see this girl 3 months prior...and all of our friends knew...some even met her. Naturally I felt that I could never trust any of those people...and have not spoken to them in the past 4 yrs. So my point is if your friendship with the bofriend is important than you should say something.

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Message edited 10/19/2005 2:12:13 PM.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

I think Jimmy's Bride gave a great reply/advice.

Go talk to your friend if you feel the need, but do not just go (or have dh go) and speak to the boyfriend. It's a disaster waiting to happen.... In any event, give her the benefit of the doubt, even if she doesn't deserve it, and get information directly from her rather than through hearsay.

Sorry...such a bad situation....

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

This is the honest, blunt truth...stay out of it. You have nothing to gain and a LOT to lose in the way of friendships.
I learned this from experience.....you try to help by warning a friend about someone cheating and they turn on you and you end up being the bad guy. As much as it kills to keep it inside....you have to. Maybe talk to Joe about it, vent to us.....just to get it out of your system when you feel the urge to spill the beans....

Good luck! I know it's tough....

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by Marisa M

Tell your DH to keep quiet -
He's had a friend for a few years, YOU have had a friend for a lifetime. -So personally I think he should stay out of it. However, I think YOU should talk to her and let her know what's going on. Give her the benefit of a million years of your trust and friendship - b/c if you or your DH go behind her back to tell her boyfriend, all of those years will be lost.
And to be honest, even though she is wrong to be cheating, YOU are HER friend - So yes, you tell her what's up and you tell her she's wrong, but you don't betray her friendship and trust by telling her boyfriend. - JMO
I'm sure you'll figure it out. That's an awful and akward spot for you and your FH to be put in .........

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Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

Uh, hell no. STAY OUT OF IT! Because "what if its not true"? That would ruin their relationship and for nothing.

Re: NWR But I really need advice and dont know what to do!!

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Posted by Marisa M

Tell your DH to keep quiet -
He's had a friend for a few years, YOU have had a friend for a lifetime. -So personally I think he should stay out of it. However, I think YOU should talk to her and let her know what's going on. Give her the benefit of a million years of your trust and friendship - b/c if you or your DH go behind her back to tell her boyfriend, all of those years will be lost.
And to be honest, even though she is wrong to be cheating, YOU are HER friend - So yes, you tell her what's up and you tell her she's wrong, but you don't betray her friendship and trust by telling her boyfriend. - JMO
I'm sure you'll figure it out. That's an awful and akward spot for you and your FH to be put in .........

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Message edited 3/31/2005 7:43:46 PM.