second thoughts

i am a regular poster but i want this one anoymous.

I keep thinking that i do not want to get married. I love my FI, but i am not sure he is for me. i never want to get a divorce. i don't get along with my FIL's - they don't like me - i don't want to take my FI's name because it reminds me of my FIL's then me being his wife - it is hard my fi is an only child who lives no where near his parents - i don't live close to my parents either but i am still really close to them

it just seems that my fi is always doing something that is annoying me- i am very particular about things- we don't live together now and i am really scared of what is going to hppen when we move in together - i need my space

i try to talk to him but he dismisses my fears- like it will all work out

i jus think we are coming from two different places

i don't know what to do -my wedding is supposed to be in less than 6 months

Re: second thoughts

First thing you need to do is decide if you are ready to get married and it really sounds like you're not If you are this skeptical, then you need to sit down and rethink the next six months and decide if this is really what you want to do. One way to be sure is to move in together. I don't think anyone should marry without spending a lot of "regular" time with their sig.other.... cleaning house, grocery shopping, making the bed, etc. It really gives you a good idea of the other person and if you can work together or not!

Maybe just postponing the wedding another 6 months will help you... but this is a tough decision and one to not be taken lightly.

People who are madly in love and do everything together can get divorced too... but if that's a major concern, and you can't focus on the good times you have or will have, but area already thinking divorce - that worries me.

Sorry if I wasn't much help, but it's a decision you and only you can make. Maybe seeing a therapist alone first would help.

Re: second thoughts

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your FH. Make sure you mean it and dont you dare let him blow you off. You cant tell him how you feel and let him reassure you that its going to be fine, when you really dont feel that in your heart. You need to stand up for what you are feeling and make sure he perfectly understands what you are going through. If he doesnt, well I am sorry to say but that is no way to start a marriage.

I just have to add that maybe you should push your wedding off a little and maybe try living together first. Moving in with someone is a big step in itself and if you are worry about the moving in part, then maybe that could be putting a strain on the way you are viewing being married.

Message edited 3/2/2005 1:24:47 PM.

Re: second thoughts

i would love ot move in together - because it would help me understand if we could live together - but we live in about 2 hours apart and neither one of us can move right now

i think i at least need to postpone

Re: second thoughts

You have FM

Re: second thoughts

it sounds like you are having major second thoughts (hence your name) please don't have a big wedding and get married just because you feel too "invested" in the relationship..these issues that are here now are going to be twofold after you are married and divorce is a lot harder to deal with..think long and hard before you go through with this..it's good that you're talking about it

Re: second thoughts

You seriously need to sit down with him and discuss the issues before you go any further.

Re: second thoughts

I think you should put things on hold for now. YOu should try living together too. If you cant live together you shouldnt get married. I was engaged before and decided to put things on hold (plans) and then move in together. Well, within 2 months i just knewthis guy was so wrong for me, we called off the engagement and then 4 years later I found my DH and knew he was "the one" for me
Good luck, do what is best for you.

Re: second thoughts

I have live with my FI for a year and we just got engaged on VDay. Some people don't recommend it but it worked for us. You do learn a lot about someone when you live with them. Some things we had to overcome were major and some were minor. It is better to realize that you don't want to get married before it is said and done. Especially if one of you has to make such a big change by moving.

Re: second thoughts

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Posted by PUPADOLCE

You seriously need to sit down with him and discuss the issues before you go any further.

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Re: second thoughts

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Posted by AnniesSS

First thing you need to do is decide if you are ready to get married and it really sounds like you're not If you are this skeptical, then you need to sit down and rethink the next six months and decide if this is really what you want to do. One way to be sure is to move in together. I don't think anyone should marry without spending a lot of "regular" time with their sig.other.... cleaning house, grocery shopping, making the bed, etc. It really gives you a good idea of the other person and if you can work together or not!

Maybe just postponing the wedding another 6 months will help you... but this is a tough decision and one to not be taken lightly.

People who are madly in love and do everything together can get divorced too... but if that's a major concern, and you can't focus on the good times you have or will have, but area already thinking divorce - that worries me.

Sorry if I wasn't much help, but it's a decision you and only you can make. Maybe seeing a therapist alone first would help.

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Re: second thoughts

I definitely think you should postpone...a wedding should be something you are thrilled about and you are having way too many doubts right now...

He may be the right guy, he may not, but you need to take some time and find out for sure...

Re: second thoughts

I honestly don't know what to say. It seems like it's all been said by the other girls. I am just wondering if these are feelings you are having now (as your wedding is approaching?) or if you have had these feelings all along and suppressed them? Only you know your exact situation and your relationship with your FH. Just wishing you the best and clarity of mind to make the best decision whatever it may be.

Re: second thoughts

You have FM.

Re: second thoughts

I am sorry you are going through this.. I am sure it must be tough. I agree that you should def talk to your fiance.....

good luck to you... we are always here if you need to talk

Re: second thoughts

thank you for all your words of advice and kindness -

i had a long talk with my MOH who went through this situation -- she really helped me clear my mind to what was the main issue -which helped - which really are my FIL's

and then my FI and i talked and worked a lot out - it will still take some more time i think- but we are much better

Re: second thoughts

I really hope everything works out for the best. Sometimes relationships have little hiccups and momments wehere you start to get secoond thoughts. But as long as you have open communication...most of the time it passes. I know I have been there too. Good luck with everything

Re: second thoughts

Another thing: some girls are more excited about the wedding itself and being a bride than actually being with the man they're engaged to. Make sure this isn't the case with you (I'm not saying that it is though). You can always postpone the wedding. You really should do a trial marriage and live together first. You have to ask yourself if you can live with this man and be with his family for the rest of your lives. Think of the holidays, birthdays, christenings, etc.