Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

smart blond, easter bunny, brunette and Santa are walking down the street. They all see a 10 dollar bill. who pics it up?

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

brunette!

Cause the other three don't exist.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

what do you call three blonds standing next to Santa?

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

i like that one!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

HO HO HO and a Merry Christmas!!!!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

wow i can't take it ! i am laughing so hard that the tears are falling! lol !

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

That was one of my favourites too!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ***. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, *****, like the slut you are.)

15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

lol

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

whats the difference between a pittbull and a woman with PMS?

The pittbull doesn't wear lipstick!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

whats more dangerous than a woman with a gun?

A woman with a gun that has PMS.

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

man you are good!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

wow! I can't believe its 4 pages later

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

Hey! I just noticed!
Im getting married same day that you did!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

lol i was just thinking the same thing! hey seice we have done alot of this tonight i really hope it is you that wins!

Re: WELL NOW LET'S GET JOKES! KNOW ANY GOOD ONES! COME IN AND SHARE! may05 has got some good ones! ty may05!

i willl be getting a tee shirt in 97 more post!