FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

OKAY....

My e-party (which is being thrown by FH's parents) is in April...so we have been doing alot of talking about it... The other day my FMIL had said to me "Im going to invite your parents back to my house so we can watch you open your gifts ( we didnt register so most of the gifts will prob be cash) because I dont know how your mother feels but I wanna know who gave you what, because I am always very generous blah blah blah..." I didnt think anything of it... and told my mother the story..

Well my mom come from a VERY italian family... and her grandmother was just like FMIL at her wedding and she swore to herself she'd never be like that..its not about the money... our gifts are personal... and we shouldnt be forced to share that info with anyone! Basically... she wants no part of being nosey and wondering who gave what..and only wants to be there for the pure joy of opeing gifts...

Now of course my wheels start turning... Im not happy with the fact I was told I had no choice that this was how things had to be done...and hey you know what it is personal..if billy joe was cheap... i dont have to tell anyone!!!! (I didnt care at first but I just hate being told I HAVE to do something)

Tonight I tell FMIL how I told my mother and she said she'd come but she dosent want it to be like this, and that she felt it was something private blah blah blah, and basically that I agreed with her... and I dont want it to be like this... (I mean she literally wants me to make a list of exactly how much casj or kinda gift I got from each person..and then give her a copy) She turns to me and says "FINE IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE THEN ILL JUST HAVE RYAN (MY fh) DO IT FOR ME AFTER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LEAVES...!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT DO I DO???

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

ugh! she sounds sweet! i would just talk to fh and tell him how u feel. hopefully he'll take your side and tell his mom to back off!

good luck!

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

OMG...sorry you are going through this. I have to say I totally agree with your mother. It really depends what FH thinks about it. You told her you don't want anything to do with that stuff and if FH agrees with you then he won't give her the info either. So then she can't really log everything into her accounting books then can she???

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

see he dosent care...and truthfully would NEVER do anything against my wishes.. but my issue is:

I dont think I really cared until she made it such a big deal, and bossed me around...

But I want my mother there when I open my gifts and she wont come of FMIL is gonna make it like this....

I understand why she wants to know....she is very generous..and wants to make sure everyone is generous to her son as well.... in the back of everyones mind one time or another people do think like this... I just hate that its being made into a big huge ordeal...

On my wedding night is she gonna follow me into my hotel room and count envelopes with me???

How can I have both?

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Message edited 6/5/2007 7:29:57 PM.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

im so scared this is going to become a huge mess

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Message edited 6/5/2007 7:30:12 PM.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

see FIL's are helping ALOT

So in her eyes... im throwing u this party now tell me damnit!!! lol

I just dont think she is going to "let me" open them w/o her....

She said it herself "not that I would stiff someone in return, Im not like that" then why the hell does it matter???

I tried to voice my opinion nice and simple... its personal...and I think this should be between me and Ryan and thats that! Like I said before... she said well ya know what this is something that I want and this is how it has to be!!!!!

Message edited 2/4/2005 8:47:42 PM.

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Message edited 6/5/2007 7:30:28 PM.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

Hey, as a last resort, you can pretend to get sick and "RUSH" home...

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

well i think she really just wants to know her family and friends...and I dont think she cares what my family and our friends give...

All in all I dont think Im going to have a choice...

but I see the snowball effect going on here... she cant control our decisions... she cant demand something and get it if it makes
us uncomfortable.... She is not coming with us in our hotel room the night of the wedding and counting $$$ nor will she be asking us to fax her a copy of the list from our HM...

I most certainly dont like being told rather than asked, esp when it comes to something personal.... This is not me...if I make any kinda gift list its because I wanna know who Im thanking and for what!

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Message edited 6/5/2007 7:30:42 PM.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

well i did speak to him, and he was like no she dosent need to be there...its not her business... if she needs to know a few specifics...we can verbally tell her later on... but its no ones business....

Im scared if I let him tell her, it will be a big mess... I dont wanna make her feel like hes choosing me over her.... that Im turning him against her... hes a real easy going guy...he wouldnt question anything...but since it bothers me, its now gonna be an issue...

I mean shes gonna look at it as... come on ryan you would never of cared if marissa didnt make such a big deal out of it..then shell cry woe is me Im doing so much for them and this is how they re pay me... she plays these games with her daughter all the time.

Shes a great person...truthfully... dont get me wrong... but very headstrong and controlling.... and since she gives so much i guess she feels its her right..

I know I know.... I am marrying into the Barrone family...I too will soon have my own tv show called... "eveybody loves ryan"!

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

I totally agree with suven...FH should deal with this. It'll be a lot easier that way ans she IS his mother. He'll feel more comfortable saying what he wants to say. The gifts are for you & FH they aren't a reflection of your FMIL. Whether people were generous or not I still think it's your business even if she is helping with the wedding.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

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Posted by Princessmaris

I know I know.... I am marrying into the Barrone family...I too will soon have my own tv show called... "eveybody loves ryan"!

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Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

well, it's not going to be an easy conversation, and she very well may get upset with you. But, you need to establish boundaries NOW. If you try to do it later, things will be MUCH harder and uglier.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

See I come across issues with her all the time... obviously she did not wake up like this one morning... for the past 4 yrs weve been together this has been my life!! YAY for me lol

But... i always find ways to "dodge" them... when she starts getting bossy with what Im doing for the wedding, or to opinonated... i just simply stop talking about it to her for awhile....

I mean I dont HAVE to tell her what color my girls dresses are... what kinda flowers i want or anything like that...so when I say i like roses for ex... and shes starts on a rant... i walk away... book my freakin' roses and just dont talk about it with her no more....

I find this approach works with mostly everything... the walk away and ignore her approach... but this... I think shes gonna walk around with a soecial bag made to hold these envelopes, and I wont get them unless she physically hands it to me with her left hand and write the amount with her right...


Once again... all she wants to know is her family and friends.... I just feel like being difficult...lol

In all seriousness...are these one of the things I just give her to shut her the hell up???

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

I went through the same mess. I said to MIL that we werent going to open all the gifts with everyone but I would give her a list to have for future engagement parties and if she had any problems then my DH could deal with it. Its better if he deals with her because I don't look like the BIT#@ you know. So far it has worked out and when she asks or does something CRAZY I just say ask Michael what he thinks and he knows better now....Him and I are on the same page and really thats all that matters. If the two of you stick together you can get through it!! GOOD LUCK
Stick together

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

I would have your FH (not you) tell her that the two of you want to open the gifts alone and if she insits on know what her guests got you, your FH can make a list for her.

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

could it be possible that your fmil didn't mean to be nosey but just wanted to celebrate in your joy? i know both my mom and my mil loved to share with us in dong things for our wedding until tragically my mil passed away. it could be a misunderstanding where she was more curious and wanted ot see than to actually judge the value....or maybe i am way off!


either way!!!

Re: FMIL issue???? Long... but i really need advice!

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Posted by pschica

could it be possible that your fmil didn't mean to be nosey but just wanted to celebrate in your joy? i know both my mom and my mil loved to share with us in dong things for our wedding until tragically my mil passed away. it could be a misunderstanding where she was more curious and wanted ot see than to actually judge the value....or maybe i am way off!


either way!!!

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