FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

OK - so Gram is dying, may have anywhere between 3 and 6 months (we found this out on Thanksgiving - lucky us). This morning, FI asks me if I'd be willing to get married in a small ceremony when we're down in Florida for Christmas so Gram can be there. Our wedding isn't for another 18 months - so this would be moving it up substantially (although we're already engaged for almost a year now).

My first reaction is that I don't want to get married without my mom and sister there - even if we do still have a big reception in May of 2006 as planned. Am I being selfish? I certainly want to be sensitive to the fact that he's upset about the recent news about his grandmother, but it just doesn't feel right to get married - with only his family present (my mom and sister probably can't make it down there with us). Plus I lose out on all the things that I've been envisioning for so long now - the dress, the church, the ceremony - all in front of our friends and family. I know those things aren't important - and I would love to be his wife asap - but....I just don't know.

He's always had a special connection with his grandmother, mostly because he's her first grandchild - and I really do want to make her (and him) happy. I'm just not sure about the whole thing...

Any thoughts you have are appreciated. And please tell me if I'm being selfish. I know it would be great for his family, but I feel like I would short-change my family (and me).

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

I think it is okay that you are hesitating, this is a big decision.

But yes, I do think it would be selfish to not go through with that.

I can't tell you what to do - but I can tell you what I would do. If my FH was that close to his Grandmother and this was something he asked me to do, I would do it. If it is important to him, it should become important to you.

Who says you can't have the EXACT wedding you want next year? Why does this compromise that? Who says people even have to know? My SIL got married in a civil court for similar reasons and didn't tell anyone besides immediate family. The big wedding happened as planned, and everyone was happy.

Message edited 12/1/2004 11:45:15 AM.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

WOW, that's a tough one. Is it definite that your family won't be able to make it? If it means that much to your FI then it's really your decision to make. I'm sorry if I"m of no help. Try to think of it if it were the other way around, sometimes that helps me.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

Can your family go to FL with you so you can have everyone there?

This is a hard decision. I'm sorry to hear about your FH's grandmother.

Message edited 12/1/2004 11:45:44 AM.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

Who says you can't have the EXACT same wedding next year? Who says people even have to know? My SIL got married in a civil court for similar reasons and didn't tell anyone besides immediate family. The big wedding happened as planned, and everyone was happy.

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Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

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Posted by SeptemberBride03

Can your family go to FL with you so you can have everyone there?

This is a hard decision. I'm sorry to hear about your FH's grandmother.

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Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

Honestly...I think that you are not being selfish at all. I think its terrible that his grandmother is dying..and it would make me a wreck too...but do you think that his grandmother really wants that? Why couldn't the three of you just spend some real quality time together and go out, catch up, and just be with each other? Maybe bring that up to your fiance. I think that you guys being there with her and spending time as often as you can would mean more to her than witnessing a rushed ceremony.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now...best of luck

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

It is really a hard scenrio... but if your FH is anything like my DH, they really don't ask for much, and are pretty good sports concerning the wedding hoopla, so I would go down and get married in Florida. I would explain to people that it was done simply for grams, and that it is not to be treated as the "NY wedding" that way no one is confused with your shower and things of that nature. Would you still have a ceremony in NY? or just the reception, maybe it can be renewing your vows, I am not sure how it works.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

maybe you can get your family to go down in Jan or something- that way your family can be there and his gram can be there? does it have to be xmas?

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

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Posted by Johnny&Maur

Honestly...I think that you are not being selfish at all. I think its terrible that his grandmother is dying..and it would make me a wreck too...but do you think that his grandmother really wants that? Why couldn't the three of you just spend some real quality time together and go out, catch up, and just be with each other? Maybe bring that up to your fiance. I think that you guys being there with her and spending time as often as you can would mean more to her than witnessing a rushed ceremony.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now...best of luck

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Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

i don't see anything wrong with you appeasing fh and having a small ceremony. i think its actually a cute idea to have a quaint secret ceremony..that way fh will stop feeling guilty, gm can be there and you can have two weddings!! don't feel selfish its a big decision that you should both be comfortable with good luck and you're in my thoughts

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

I don't think you're selfish at all for not wanting to do it. He doesn't want to get married without a certain member of his family there (his grandmother) so how can he expect you to get married without any members of your family there?? I understand he's upset and I'm very sorry to hear about his grandmother, but I don't think that this is the best thing to do.

Unless you want to do it, and can have the people that are really important to you there as well, I don't see going through with it.

JMO.

Message edited 12/1/2004 12:18:41 PM.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

I do not think it's SELIFSH of you to want your own family present for your wedding !! Absolutely not !! -
This may sound insensitive, but why do you have to push up the marraige ? His Grandma knows you are engaged and love each other and will be getting married. - It's sad that she may not physically be able to be there that day - But she knows her gradson has found someone he wants to spend his life with .......
She may not WANT him to push up the wedding just for her. -

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

Thanks so much for all your replies. As you can see, I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I want to do what's best for everybody - and I don't want any regrets.

Keep the advice coming...

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

eventhough our situations are nowhere similar, my husband and i got married at city hall with only my mother and his sister because his parents were living in puerto rico at that time. he did it mainly for me because i needed his insurance and other things and he sacrificed for me. i know i would have done the same for him if he would have needed. we will finally have our religious ceremony and party in 2006, after seven years of being married and we will have our baby girl with us. like i said it's not a similar situation but you can still have the wedding you always envisioned. do what you feel is right in your heart. remember for better or for worse. sorry it was so long.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

From reading your emails. it sounds like your FH is really wanting to make a big gesture to his Grandmother because he feels guilty about not calling her in awhile and because he is so sad about her illness.

Since his Grandmother and your FMIL do not think a wedding ceremony is necessary, why not come up with another special gesture instead. Perhaps a committment ceremony (but not legal marriage ceremony) in front of your grandmother or - I realize this may sound weird - but what if he legally adopted her maiden name as his middle name or something?

I'm straining for ideas, but I think there could be some out there. I think there may be alternatives to a wedding ceremony that could be just as meaningful.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

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Posted by Bunnymonkey

I If it is important to him, it should become important to you.

Who says you can't have the EXACT wedding you want next year? Why does this compromise that? Who says people even have to know? My SIL got married in a civil court for similar reasons and didn't tell anyone besides immediate family. The big wedding happened as planned, and everyone was happy.

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Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Selfish or not, I just wouldn't. I wanted nothing more than to be engaged while my grandma was still alive so she could see my ring and be happy for me and share in that special time, but my fiance proposed to me a week after her burial (he was going to propose on Valentine's Day, but that was the day we buried her, sad enough). When we did wind up getting engaged, I know my grandma was still there, if not in body then definitely in spirit.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

this is so difficult. im sorry about his grandma.

my FI lost his gradma last year (tho we weren't engaged) and they were so so so close.

i think you have to follow your heart. do you already live together?

i wouldn't want to do it if my mom wasn't there....no matter what.

i don't think anyone can tell you what to do - but i don't think anyone would tell you that you are horrible for wanting to wait till you have the big ceremony. in reality, she will be there somehow.

good luck with this hard decision!

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

ok i know i sound heartless but I dont think you should do it


it is too rushed and while i see why, it will always leave you at least with a regret of not having your family there.

There are alot of us who never even got the chance to have certain family members at our weddings and if everything falls into place, like your family attending, then do it.

But dont if its just going to be his family- even if its for grams. Cause youll hurt others and yourself by feeling cheated out of your special ceremony- its not about the big day but its also not about putting on a show for his grandmother either

and thats just my opinion-

Message edited 12/1/2004 10:23:45 PM.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

that really is a tough one....i dont even know what to tell you. my first thought would be to reject the idea but then you have to fell sympathetic.....good lcuk with this one

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

this is a really hard thing to have to go through you should give it alot of thought. i dont think your being selfish for wanting to have your family by your side when you get married.you have seriously put yourself in your fhs shoes and understand how you would feel if you were in his postion. that may help you feel a little better. maybe you can come to some kind of compromise if your family cant make it down to florida for the cermony you can always have another cermony with your family the day you had planned. i wouldnt want to be in your shoes. im sure you will make the right choice for you

edited to say discuss it with your family maybe if they fully understand how important this is to your fiance they can try and make it down to florida with you

Message edited 12/1/2004 10:30:39 PM.

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

That's a hard call. In my opinion though I say do it and then do it again as planned. Don't give up the dress and everything. Alot of people elope first and then have the church wedding too and reception. If it's going to mean that much to FH think hard about it. Your getting married in the first place because you love each other right and sometimes compromise is part of that. As your mom and sister if there was anyway they could go maybe the answer will surprise you. Good Luck and no matter what you deceide your friends here will support you

Re: FI's grandma is sick, FI wants to know if we can get married in FL when we visit for Christmas!?!

I think this is a really big decision, and I can feel with your FH because my own grandmother is very sick right now, and probably will not make it to our wedding. I do not agree, however, that you should move the date up. This is something that happens only once in your lifetime, and you learn a lot about your relationship during the planning, etc. I feel that if you rush it up, you would be taking away from this experience as a couple. Also, I know I would be very upset to not have my own mother and close family present.

Why not just have a small enegagment party with his close family, and then maybe all attend a mass together where you could get blessed together?

I don't think your feelings are selfish at all.