I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time (updated)

My DH is a wonderful man. When he decided to ask me to marry him he left behind his pursuit of theatre and took a fulltime job in HR. He loves his job and is very happy to have left the world of auditioning and bartending behind. He (we) also decided that it might be good idea to get his MBA. His degree in Music will not really help him climb up the corporate ladder and his business will pay for half of his schooling. So, he now works fulltime M-F 8am-6pm and then attends class on Mon evening, Wed evening and Sat. afternoons. I work on Tues., Thurs. and every other Sat . night from 8pm-4am. Point is that we have very little time together. When we do have time together it seems as if all we do is watch TV. We never go out. Our sex life, well it kinda sucks. I just feel as if we are already in a rut. He also ends up planning social things that cut into our time together. I certainly don't want to begrudge him his time with his friends, but I am starting to feel extremely lonely. I feel like he has put our marraige on the back burner. It is like we live two totally seperate lives. That is fine in some regards, but not when I feel like it is putting such a strain on our marriage. I just don't know how to convey the importance of this to him. He thinks that it will all be fine when his schedule lets up( in 2 years), but I feel that we don't address and fix some of the issues now we will grow too far apart. Has anyone experienced this feeling? I need some advice. Am I being too needy or unresonable? I just want to spend quality time with the man I married.

Message edited 10/2/2004 2:12:04 PM.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want to spend time with your husband. Is he willing to talk about it? Maybe you can plan dates ahead of time, and then make sure not to break them.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

First some hugs

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your work and school schedules are unfortunate.

I know he can't change anything now, but maybe next semester he can switch his school nights to your work nights (or vice versa).

Also, I think there is ample time you are at work where he can schedule time with his friends.

Good luck

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Hubby and I have conflicting schedules as well and it is hard. The one day we have completly off together is Sunday's. I had a talk with him and told him how much I value that day together and asked that he not make plans for that day and neither would I (unless something came up but then WE would need to discuss it as a couple). We are free to make plans with our friends for any other time.
This has really worked out for both of us and now he values that day just as much as I do and our friends have stopped putting pressure on us to do things on that day of the week.

Maybe this is something that you guys can work in? Pick one time when you are together and that is it, that is your time even if it is just sitting on the couch together.
I hope this helps a little

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I don't think you are being needy or unreasonable but I also don't have any advice

Talk to DH about everything you just wrote ... even if there isn't an immediate exact solution, make sure he knows how you feel.

Sorry - somtimes I'm bad at advice!!!!

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I understand exactly how you feel.

I work from 9-6 and then go to school Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturday mornings... also for my MBA (where does your DH go to school). My DH works a 2nd job on Tuesday nights as weel. Between school and homework/papers- our marriage seems to be heading the way yours is.

We just had a big discussion about this last week- and it's gotten a little better- we just HAVE to make plans for our "marriage" as if it's another person- and it sort of is.

You need to coddle a new marriage as you would a new baby.

I know it's frustrating, but you'll work it out- and at LEAST it isn't forever

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

the important thing is to get your feelings out, don't bottle them up and pretend you're cool with it

that's when resentment builds

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Thank you all!!! I guess we just need to sit down and talk it out. I have tried talking in the past, but things get better for a week or so and then back to the old pattern. I guess I just need to really stress how important this is for our relationship.


Sassy: He goes to Baruch College.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I don't think it puts a "strain" on the marriage. I am very much in the same situation. My FW complains (even though she says she doesn't complain) that I am never around and we don't see each other enough. I DJ a lot of nights now (usually 2-3 nights a week) so I have been pretty busy lately.

I am trying to take some nights off to make plans with her. I wan't to do Long Beach on Saturday for Irish Day with her.


I think the best thing to do would be to find a day or night where you both are definitely off... and just make some nice plans. Take the initiative.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Could you switch your night to coincide with his classes?

Or tell him to plan his schedule better next semester?

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

We are living the same type of lifestyle .. only I am the one always on the run, and hubby is left to feel lonely.

Sometimes, life makes us make unfortunate choices, and things that are the ultimate priority sometimes get sacrificed on the basis of necessity.

In order for us to get by, I simply can not cut back on my schedule .. it's really sad .. but that's where life has brought us .. and we don't see any end to it in the future.

Now, of course DH understands that, but it's also understandable that he gets upset sometimes with my always-on-the-run ways.

Whatever time you do have together, no matter how little, you simply have to try to make the most of it.

His time in school will go quickly .. maybe take this time to pick up something extra that you've wanted to try, or to do .. it might help to pass the time more quickly for yourself .. while also being something enjoyable you can treat yourself to.

The bottom line is .. life is unfair .. and married life will get bumpy .. you just have to make the best of what life throws your way.

Try not to get angry at him or resentful over this, and definitely don't throw it in his face that he's never home (not that you do) .. I hate when hubby and I have those discussions .. because my feeling is "what am I supposed to do???!!" .. it's a helpless feeling, really .. and it only makes me feel worse when I'm confronted about it. It's much, much nicer when we make plans and do something together .. even if it's simply eating dinner together in front of the TV for a half-hour before I'm out running again.

Hang in there .. and try to find simple pleasures to bolster yours and your hubby's feelings .. guaranteed .. he's not so happy about this type of lifestyle, either. But make the effort to make it happier.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I totally understand. I work days, hubby works nights. sometimes we are like 2 ships passing in the night. It sucks, but all it takes is a little scheduling :)

We're bad sometimes too, but sometimes you just have to tell your DH you miss him and want some QT, and he'll understand. Trust me, if mine gets it, i'm sure yours will too. :) You don't sound needy at all, you sound normal!

Maybe next semester, like someone else suggested, his classes will be more agreeable to your schedule. Or ask if he can put time aside for you 2, and skip the friends for a week.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I work 9 to 5 (or longer) five days a week and go to school as well (though taking off this semester but will start up again in January and will have classes Tuesday and Thursday) twice a week (Heidla: I'm at Hunter College). Besides that there is the time needed for reading and writing papers, etc. My husband and I started going through this prior to the wedding and at first it was hard. We just seemed to be missing each other all the time. He would make plans to hang out with friends when I was hoping to spend time with him and vice versa. What finally worked and still works is

1. We go through our weekly calendars together and talk about what's happening in the upcoming week--work schedules, deadlines, possible stresses and social obligations, etc.

2. We always have one night a week that is "date night". Date night is just the two of us. We can meet for a drink, go to dinner, watch a movie, etc. But its just the two of us.

These two things really helped us with our communications and allowed us to have some time together where we both felt romantic and that we weren't just sitting in front of the television--which we all do and go through.

I hope this helps

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

That's a hard one.

My DH and I both finished our Master's degrees after we got engaged, but before we got married.

There were times when we would literally not see each other for TWO WEEKS because of papers, exams, etc. And, at that time, we lived 48 miles apart.

Honestly, we missed each other, but we didn't think it had an effect on our relationship. but, had we been married at the time, I would probably have felt like it wasn't a marriage.

I guess my point is that once all of the school things are out of the way, you will probably be just fine!

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

im married to a police officer and spend alot of time alone and completely understand how you feel. you should designate some time each week to take a bubble bath together or just snuggle up and catch up on the things that have been happening. things will get better dont get discouraged.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I am afraid of this too, as I will be going to law school in the evenings next year while we both work full time. DH works 6 days a week, so even our weekends are shot (as I work on Sundays).

If he can make *plans* with his friends, then you need to make a date night at least once or twice a month. It will be a time where you will spend time with only each other & do the quality time thing. I know it sounds so over done, but it does wonders. It also keeps from having arguements about time management. (I know this one from experience )

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Heidi:
I am not married yet but my FI is a banker and has been travelling extensively to Asia for his most recent project. So, I really do relate to the feeling of alone time.
What I found helpful was to sit down and make clear how important the time together for relationship building was but most important was I found out that like anything else that is a priority in our lives, it had to be scheduled. With people we live with/boyfriend, FI,DH, we take for granted so often that we will make time to be together. For ironically lesser things, we don't miss appointments with the dentist, classes, or tuneups for the car because we assign them the priority of being a part of our schedule -- so that is just what we did; he took his calendar and we scheduled the times for dinner minimum of 2* per week. Sat night is date night and each of us is responsible every other week to plan something. If travelling, he has to call 1/2 hour before I go to bed. Small things but just the act of recognizing that it was important enough to warrant scheduled time really helped us.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I don't really have advice other than is there a way to change your hours so you work the days he is in school?

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

My goodness, I freak out when we don't see each other very much over the span of two weeks - 2 years is insane!!!

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH. Two years is too much time to wait to spend time together, you need to make time now - whether that's by making a 'date' once a week - even if it's for lunch - or making sure that he schedules his nights out for the same evenings that you're at work. And, if it's at all possible, maybe you can manage to switch one of your nights at work to a night that he's at class (I understand this may be totally out of the question).

My DH thinks I get overworked about things like this too, but I've told him, I moved to London to be with him, not the TV.

Good luck

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

DH and I are in same exact boat. One piece of advice if I may, is do not have a television in your bedroom. It seems like a minor detail, but we are both so tired at the end of the day, that a bed seems relaxing, and honey once I took that TV out, we had more intimate together time. DH is a student also, like someone posted before, I hope this is just because of school, and hope that it will get easier.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Let him know simple as that and if does not meet your satisfaction maybe come to a compromise.
I have been married 8 yrs I barely see my husband we are two ships. He wakes up at 4 and is out by the time I get up and then I come home and deal with the kids at 6.00. He comes home at 7.30 on a good night but at that point I am getting the kids ready for bed or reading a story or just involved with them it is hard to drop. One disturbance wrecks hell in my house. He goes to bed about a half hour after walking in the door and he is out like a light. I stay up just in case he or the kids wake up, till 1.00. We talk on the phone alot during the day.

Make it a point to sit down and put your plans on the table and seriously talk. Even if it means going to a counselor. We did that and used it as our night out. Believe me it helped not only the counseling but that was our time together. Sad as it is I wish sometimes we were back in couseling

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

I just wanted to thank you all for the and words of advice. DH and I are going to sit down tonight and discuss how we can schedule more together time. That is all I want. One night a week where we do something together. Thank you again!!!!

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

Good Luck tonight...I'm sure you two will be able to work out a plan that will make you happy.

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

First

How did your talk with DH go?

I'm in the same boat as you and it's not easy, like DLWDLG the only day off we share together is Saturday and I can't tell you how much I look forward to that day. DH doesn't get home at night until 11:30pm and I'm usually sleeping since I work 9-5 and commute to NYC.

Like DLWDLG we really try to spend that day together and only us - we totally spoil ourselves and go out to a nice dinner and sometimes even lunch (no wonder why I've gained weight )

But seriously it's not fun going to parties, etc by myself.

Maybe we should start a support group...

Re: I love my husband, but I feel really alone all the time

i COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from...both dh and i work f/t, i also work p/t on saturdays and his days off are sunday and monday.....we are both in school (i got full time to grad school!) and live in port jeff while he works in nassau and i work in the city and queens (depends on day!), so were hardly get home once a week before 8 - it stinks!!!

i wish i had the answers, but i don't - but wanted to let you know i could have written this post myself, you are not alone!!! cherish the time you spend together and it will get easier in the long run!! what we started doing was i now leave ealier in the morning to drive part of the way in with him just so we can be "together" and then i take the lirr the rest of the way...

if you ever need someone to talk to, you can fm me! s from someone who knows where you are coming from!!