We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

There are two issues that are causing problems for FI and I. We got into a huge argument in the car today on the way to pickup our WEDDING BANDS!

One problem is the guest list. My parents are paying for the reception. FI and I are paying for the rest of the wedding. His parents are unable to contribute to the wedding. FMIL's list is nearing 100 people! My parents set a max of 150 people for the wedding. FMIL claims that alot of people won't come. Right now our guest list combined is around 200 people.

I called up FMIL to ask her if she could cut down her list. She said absolutely not. I asked if she could do an "A & B" list at least. She wasn't open to that. She got all upset and told me that if I couldn't afford a big wedding, I shouldn't have one. Well she ended up crying on the phone and we didn't resolve anything. Now I feel pretty bad. My sisters say she's just laying a guilt trip on me. Was I wrong to ask her to cut down her list??

Another issue is the bridal shower. At this point I don't even WANT ONE! It's caused some much aggravation. FMIL agreed to help out with the bridal shower since FI's younger sister is a junior bridesmaid. Now FMIL backed out and told the bridal party that she can't contribute. According to FMIL when she got married her MOM paid for everything not the BP. She doesn't understand why the BP should plan the bridal shower. Has anyone heard of this? To make matters worse, the BP told her they can only afford to have 40 people and she gave them a list with 40 people!!!!

I suggested to FI the we put in for the bridal shower to help out and we'd cover any extra people for the reception. His answer was NOOOOOOO - my parents should pay!

Any suggestions? I'm really aggravated at this point! Any ideas as to how I can handle this? My friend suggested that my parents talk to FI's parents about the reception.

Message edited 3/28/2004 1:33:55 PM.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Wow - that's a tough one. What if you told your FMIL that she'll have to pay for any additional guests after x number of people? Or that if she doesn't narrow down the list, then you'll be forced to it yourself? As for the bridal shower, times have changed and can she pay for, say 50% of what the other girls are paying since your FSIL IS only a junior bridesmaid and maybe shouldn't be forced or expected to carry the full financial amount that the other girls are more capable of paying for? Some would be better than none.

I'm not sure if this helped any, but just a few ideas I had. Hope it works out for you!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

ok. so your parents said 150 people for the wedding, so to be FAIR, your parents get 50, you/fh friends 50, fhs parents get 50. Whoever ends up with more than 50 people can pay for those extras... that is very fair, and if fmil claims "alot wont come" then her rsvps should be closer to 50 and she wont have to pay much...it shouldnt be you or your parents responsibility to pay for fmils extras... i think your sisters are right, shes trying to make you feel guilty to try and get extras..

For the bridal shower.....I grew up where the MOH was soley responsible, or helped by the brides mom, since her daughter is a junior bridesmaid, and not an adult one, i probably wouldnt just leave the whole shower to the adult bridal party.....

For the bridal party draw the line again on the list, 15of your friends, 15 of your moms people, 15 of fmil's people....thats 45 which is a nice bridal shower amount.... if you have too many people you will be there forever opening up gifts....

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

smilealways and butterfly20, thanks for the suggestions. FMIL won't put any money into the wedding so I won't ask her to pay for any extra guests.

As far as the bridal shower goes... she shouldn't have offered and then change her mind. The BP was depending on that amount. Which is why I want to chip in now to cover that amount but FI is against that. Grrrrr. I told my BP not to mention the money issue again to her not to cause any problems and to try to include FI's sister in the planning process. According to FMIL, FI's sister wants to hang out with her friends and could care less about planning the shower. I think that's total bull. <sigh>

Message edited 3/28/2004 2:45:03 AM.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

JMO--- first, 150 people is not a huge wedding... it is affordable... if you set a limit she should understand.. if it WAS 200 peopel yes, starting to be a big wedding but when you say a certan numbe of people and she isn't contributing a dime then she should give you the number you asked for... you are ABOLUTELY correct and shouldnt feel bad ESPECIALLY if you are paying

Sceond, I don't expect my Bridesmaid to pay a penny... I personally don't think it is right to expect for you r bridal party to pay anything accept for their expenses... JMO

If your FSIL is married... how is she a Junior bridesmaid and can't pay.....Junior bridesmaids are under 16?????????

don't feel bad!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Truth is that I'd be furious with FI right now. Where does he get off saying that your parents should pay for his mom's extra guests? That's insane. I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree that I'd set a limit and tell her if she wants to go over the limit, she needs to contribute.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

It sounds like your FMIL is being very unfair. Has your FH tried to talk to his parents about this? If not, I think he should. Unless your parents are close to his, I wouldn't get them involved, you don't want problems between them. It's fine if his parents can not afford to help pay for anything (they just may not have the $) but to put extra people on your lists and to not appreciate what your parents are doing for you and their son is just NOT right.
I know this whole situation must be so hard on you guys and on your relationship, especially right before the wedding with everything else your trying to deal with but hang in there. Hopefully someone can reason with her and she could chill out a little bit.
Let us know how it goes.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Posted by violetfairy

Truth is that I'd be furious with FI right now. Where does he get off saying that your parents should pay for his mom's extra guests? That's insane. I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree that I'd set a limit and tell her if she wants to go over the limit, she needs to contribute.

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Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

that's a tough one. I think that you really need to decide how YOU want to handle it.

If it were me, I would: Tell FMIL that the maximum number of people she can invite is X. End of story. I would tell her that only the first X people on her list will be invited, the rest will not.

As for the big wedding comment, I would say:

We can afford the wedding of OUR dreams.

As for the bridal shower, I would keep my fingers crossed and hope that works out. IMO, the bride should NOT be involved at all with her own shower.

Best of luck!

Edited to say: Again, this is just ME, but I don't tell fi how to spend his money. And, I don't think that in a million years, he would even attempt to tell me how to spend my money. We both work. We both pay bills. We are not in debt. (If we were to get into debt, we would probably work on our spending habits together, but luckily we haven't gotten to that point.)

Message edited 3/28/2004 9:03:07 AM.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

I defintely agree that if your FMIL is not willing to pay for the extra guests neither you nor your parents should have to foot the bill. She should absolutely cut down her list.

Good luck with evrything!!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

One of the ladies here posted that you should give your FIL's a set amount of guests that they can invite - say, 50, and tell them they cannot go over this amount. As a matter of fact, it is your FI - AND NOT YOU!! - who should tell them this. He should communicate with his family!!! And stand by you! This is a very important precedent to set at the very start - that you and he are a family now and he will support your decisions.

Your FMIL is being very rude to insist that anyone pay for anything. She is a guest at an event that your parents and you guys are paying for and if she can't be gracious she should be quiet!

As for the shower, frankly she does not have to contribute anything there either. It's obnoxious that she offered and then backed out but your family and BM's should not suffer. Your FH needs to bend on this one and kick in the $ that the party had been told they would recieve from his mom.

ETA: in your poll, there is no choice for your FH to talk to his family. You should let him fight this one.

Message edited 3/28/2004 9:13:18 AM.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

On second thought, I do agree that your FI should communicate with his mom. But, from my own experience, my FMIL would still call me up to discuss things- even after her son told her how things would be.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

I agree with butterfly20. Both of you really need to sit down with her and explain that this is the amount of people you can have and her 1/3 equals 50. You cant let her decide that your parents should pay for everything. I also really think your FI needs to sit down with her, just the two of them, and talk. JMO.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

How awful! Your FIL are not being fair.MY parents are paying for the reception. Fh told his mother that she needed to pay for any extra guests. She is about 12 over and she knows seh has to pay for them.

Your Fh really is being unfair about the situation. Your parents have contributed a lot.
What if they talked to you FIL???

Good Luck.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Posted by butterfly20

ok. so your parents said 150 people for the wedding, so to be FAIR, your parents get 50, you/fh friends 50, fhs parents get 50. Whoever ends up with more than 50 people can pay for those extras... that is very fair, and if fmil claims "alot wont come" then her rsvps should be closer to 50 and she wont have to pay much...it shouldnt be you or your parents responsibility to pay for fmils extras... i think your sisters are right, shes trying to make you feel guilty to try and get extras..

For the bridal shower.....I grew up where the MOH was soley responsible, or helped by the brides mom, since her daughter is a junior bridesmaid, and not an adult one, i probably wouldnt just leave the whole shower to the adult bridal party.....

For the bridal party draw the line again on the list, 15of your friends, 15 of your moms people, 15 of fmil's people....thats 45 which is a nice bridal shower amount.... if you have too many people you will be there forever opening up gifts....

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Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

this is your wedding, so basically YOU should set the rules. you should create a list first, then your parents, then your FI's parents. set realistic #'s for them. calmly explain to your FIL's that although you would like them to be able to invite all their friends, due to financial constraints, you really can't go over x amt of people. perhaps SHE should offer to make up the difference for her extra guests.

re: bridal shower. it is ABSOLUTELY the responsiblity of the BP. no one should even worry you about this. if they can only afford to pay for 40 ppl, then fine. provide YOUR list to the BP and THEN let the others work around YOUR #'s.




ETA: we told FI's parents to cut down their list (they had 100) and they totally understood.

ETAA: DON'T have your parents speak to the FIL's. This is FI's responsibility

Message edited 3/28/2004 10:09:55 AM.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

First of all, I have to say I am sorry you are going through this. We are in a similar position. My parents are paying for the reception and we are paying for the rest. FH parents are helping us out, however. They are paying for the DJ and rehearsal dinner. I will tell you how the wedding invite list is being handled by us. My parents are only able to afford 150 people at the reception at the max. We are making up our main list of who we want there including friends, family, and coworkers. Whatever is left from that point is being split down the middle half of the number of guests left will be chosen by his parents and the other half will be chosen by mine. We are not offering them to just give us a list of who they want. We are going to show them our list when we are done so that they can take the guests they are alotted and determine who they want based on the list we have already made.

It is not uncommon at all for the BP to chip in for the shower as well as for both sets of parents. I do not know what is going to happen in terms of my bridal shower. My mother is INSISTING on paying for it completely. She is prideful and does not believe in taking money from others for her only daughter's wedding. I am sure people will offer to help out, or possibly try to cover favors, cake, etc . . .

I firmly believe that it is your wedding and that it is your day - NO ONE ELSES. What you and your FH want comes first, ESPECIALLY in terms of the guests. I recommend the way we are handling the guest list. I think it is the most peaceful resolve and the most fair. Good luck and let me know how it all goes!!!! Sorry so long!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

That is not right. FMIL is taking over and not even paying. Honestly your parents have the say in who comes and who doesnt. I would have your FH give her the list back and have a limit. They can only afford 50 people. If you have more they can pay the difference. Honestly im not sure why your FH isnt talking to her about it. I have a problem with their guest list. FH and I know like 10 people out of 50 on their list. I sent him home with the list for him to ask "who is this" and he did.Not to mention that when we got engaged His mother came straight out and said "I already married my daughter I don't have to pay for anymore weddings." So they have contributed 0 to the wedding.

I have never heard of the MOM paying for the shower and not the BP. Maybe back in her day it was like that but honestly when I was in my cousins BP I was like 14 and 16 I used some of my babysitting money and my parents paid the rest. And she needs to cut this list down also. Anyway who is getting married here her son or her?

Hang in there.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Since your parents are paying for the reception, she has to cut her list, simple as that...whats not simple will be how to tell her this, wish I had some advice on that one, but I thinkFI has to step in there and dont let emotions get in the way, but she cannot invite all those people if you cant afford it.....as far as shower goes...wow....just go with the flow...I too offered when the time comes to contribute money if neccesary as I know I will have a lot of people there and it's unfair to my MOH and BM's ( as there are only 3) all with houses and kids to pay for it, and my mom is contributing to reception...people thought I was carzy to offer, I think its something in certain situations you have to do...everyones situation is different....bottom line is to talk calmy to your FI about all this and not get emptional....you dont want to fight at a time like this (even though its hard not to)
Good luck!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

I am so sorry that you are going through this.. I'll tell you this, If it were me I would NOT be able to keep as calm as you are.. that is absolutely ridiculous.. since she isn't helping she should be concious of how many people she is inviting, and respect the fact that your parents are footing the entire bill.. that is absolutely outrageous,that she started crying. doesn't she realize she is the problem here.. each person is $100, does she realize that??? It makes me mad, because she isn't respecting you or your family, and she's acting childish.. You should not have to pay for YOUR shower, it was her word, and she's going against it.. I think you should just have your family and your friends at your shower then.. I would tell her that, they were depending on her help for the shower, and now that she isn't helping, things have changed and only your close relatives and friends are comming.. she can invite 10 people is she wants, but that is her limit.. someone needs to put there foot down, she's ruining the best time of your life, and she's becoming a strain on you and your FI relationship.. she needs to grow up

GOOD LUCK

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Truth is that I'd be furious with FI right now. Where does he get off saying that your parents should pay for his mom's extra guests? That's insane. I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree that I'd set a limit and tell her if she wants to go over the limit, she needs to contribute.

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Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

JZNCK0 I wholeheartedly agree. I'm going through the same crap with my FMIL, and we're paying for the wedding ourselves. Sure, let tem give you a list but either she pays for anything over 50, or you cut it yourself. FH and I are at a point where we've decided we're not going to tell anyone about our wedding plans, and let it all surprise everyone. I can't deal with this BS anymore! I wanted no more than 150 people, and FH has that many on his list cause his family wants to invite every tom, dck and happy, I say no freaking way.


If she's not paying, she has very little say. And I don't think the guest lists need to be split in 3rds as another bride suggested. I think it's primarily YOUR guest list.

We're not asking our parents for lists. They made some suggestions, but it's up to us if we're taking them or not.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

im so sorry your going through all of this turmoil with only months before your wedding . i think you have every right to be upset at both your fh parents and also your fh. i think that it is so generous that your parents have agreed to pay for such a large amount of you wedding and i think for your fils to take advantage of that is totally wrong. i

i think you should have a meeting with all of the parents and have your parents state that they are allotting for a certain amount and cant go over that. they should then tell your future in laws they are allowed a certain number and they have to stick to it. but explain to them that if the first few cancel she can add more people so that she still gets to invite the amount of guests she was allotted.

as for the shower i would tell your fiance since its his sister you too especially him should just really pay if your fmil refuses to. i mean the shower is going to bebefit you both not anyone else. i dont think that your mom should not have to contribute anything since she is already doing so much. thats just my opinion i hope everything works out

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Thanks so much for all the input. I was suprised to see so many replies!

I was considering having my parents speak with my FMIL like some people suggested. Unfortunately, they aren't close. My Mom dislikes FMIL so I don't think that would work out too well.

I think that FMIL is under the impression that she has a say in the wedding because her son is putting in money for MY WEDDING. She even went so far as to want her name on the invitations on the top. I was planning on putting FI's parents names on the invite but not on the top with my parents. My Mom had a HEART ATTACK and put her foot down.

I don't think it sinks in that FMIL's son is getting married also and that it's his wedding too.

As far as the bridal shower goes, I wanted BOTH OF US,not just him, to put in the money to cover the cost that his mom can't.

I understand that his sister is only a junior bridesmaid. The BP never asked FMIL for money. She initally offered and I think she should follow through. FI doesn't back me up. He told me that the BP shouldn't have DARED to ask his Mom for money. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I talked to him this morning and told him that his Mom can have 75 guests. Anything that goes over she would have to pay. I told him that he has to talk to his Mom and BACK ME UP. We'll see how this goes. Right now he's not talking to his mom so we'll see what happens.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Try to have your FH handle things with his mother. It's easier to hear things coming from him, than it is from you. Try to remember she is likely stressed about "losing" her son. There is nothing wrong with asking her to cut down the list. Find out from your FH who she is inviting, and who will realistically say yes. If she won't cut the list down, have him do it.

I don't always get along with FMIL, but I try my best to remain at least neutral. Sometimes she pisses me off, but for FW's sake, I have no choice but to let it go. It's not worth ruining our great love over. You can't change other people, you can only learn to cope with them.