Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

Okay, so I'm having guest list issues. I really want to have a small wedding, meanwhile FH had 300 people at his Bar Mitzvah!

Anyway, the real issue is that I have a HUGE family and he has a small one. (I have 26 first cousins, he has 4, to give one example). I think the wedding should be cut along the same lines as far as family or closeness to us. So "First Cousins and only second cousins we're really close to". HE thinks he should be based on number, he gets to invite so many, i get to invite so many, but I think that ruins the intimacy, and I think intimacy is more important than number. We had all of these arguments about this. I have a HUGE family. I could easily come up with 500 people, just in my family, but I wanted a wedding of no more than 150 -200, total (the smaller, the better).

So FH put basically his whole family on the list (including people he barely knows and never sees) and I only put people I'm close to, despite my large family. So the other night we were arguing and he was saying I'd have 200 people at the wedding, and he'd have 20, so he was really obnoxious and he was like "count the list, count the list! would you just count already?" He was convinced I'd have so many more people than he had.

I counted.

My family : 47 invitations
His family: 62 invitations!!!!!!!!

So, still not admitting defeat, he said "well count how any people we think will actually come", and he still had more!

Ugh..And my family is SO much bigger than his. I mean AT LEAST 5 times the size. So he still isn't reticent about it or anything, but he did say he'd cut his list and said I could invite more people if I wanted. I mean, I think if one of us has more people it should be me. I don't care about the numbers at all, but my family is SO much bigger, and I'm closer with more people than he is. He's worried about what his family will think if the wedding is predominantly my family. Now we found out ti won't be. But I'm worried they still won't let him cut the list. They were literally screaming at us. And they're not paying for the wedding, we are..and I don;t see why we ahve to invite his mom's cousins and their children, etc. Especially since FH doesn't even know them. UGH

I mean I literally got screamed at so many times over my engagemnt announcements. Since I have such a large family, I printed up these little cards to announce our engagmeent and it was only for immediate family (Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, etc..I only sent it to a couple of my first cousins, and all of his). And We're STILL getting screamed at for not sending it to FMIL's cousins and their kids. I was like "Well, you can call them, if they need to know." *Ugh* it's so frustrating. I was telling FFIL that they're expensive to print and send and he was saying "well you'll get gifts from these people" and then last week when FH commented that we hadn't gotten any gifts from his family, FFIL said "Well, people don't really send engagement gifts in our family" OMG I was SO pissed off....AUUUUUUUUUUUUGH



Edited: cause I type too fast when I'm upset!

Message edited 3/19/2004 4:41:26 PM.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

Sorry you're having such a hard time with this I have to agree with you. You have a much bigger family and are cutting people who you are semi-close with, while FH is inviting strangers. It's tough and his family may be upset, but this wedding is for the 2 of you, not everyone else.
Good luck

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

We drew the line to only first cousins, and first nieces and nephews. We both have huge families and we had to draw the line. Also no kids of cousins, or nieces and nephews. Wouldn't be able to afford it. Not much help. Sorry, but good luck. I know how stressful this could be.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

Sorry you're going through this. Doing the guest list is probably one of the worst parts of wedding planning. I wanted no more than freaking 140 after negotiating to not have a very small wedding, and it is up to 180 all because FI has to invite every person he BSes with.

You'll just have to figure out a compromise somewhere. Maybe you should compromise it to the same number of people on each side, so he can't complain. I am a little annoyed that FI is going to have a lot more people on his side. I told him it is going to be like 1/4 of the wedding my side, and the rest will be all his side.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

I am so sorry you are having these issues. I really dont have a solution exactly but the point that stuck out was the fact that YOU two are paying for it so it should be YOUR decision. I guess maybe each invite 100 people? (If you wanted 200 for example) It will be hard for you to cut people, I know but there must be a solution. Good luck and if you need to vent, you know where to come.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

He wants it to be like, we cna each invite 100 people, but I really don't think that's fair because my family really is SO much bigger, and I'm closer with more of them. After I showed him I was actually invitng LESS family, he started in on me b/c I have more friends.


And UGH..I don't know how to deal with my in-laws in general. They';ve been making my life miserable for 5 years running.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

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Posted by marymoon

He wants it to be like, we cna each invite 100 people, but I really don't think that's fair because my family really is SO much bigger, and I'm closer with more of them. After I showed him I was actually invitng LESS family, he started in on me b/c I have more friends.


I agree...your 100 would only consist of SOME of your family, while his 100 would probably be anyone he's ever spoken with!

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

Maybe negotiate it to 100 people for you, 85 for him? I guess negotiate it so that you're not inviting that much more than him.

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

how about going by who you think should be there and not placing limitations based on the place in the family they hold!

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

I totally understand what you are going through. My family is the exact same way with family. My FI also wants to do 100 each...sorry but my list is going to be like 130 and that is cutting it to bare minimum. His mommy wants to invite a lot of her work friends and other people that my FI and I don't even know. The engagement party had so many of his mom's cousins that my FI didn't know half of their names. My mother certainly isn't going to be able to invite all of her cousins. Ahhh it gets so frustrating doesn't it?

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

That's just it. We disagree on who should be thre. he wants to invite his whole family. I just want to invite the closest. I think t's unfair if he's inviting some distant cousin he's seen twice in his life, and I'm leaving out my first cousins!

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

normally i would say split the list like 50 people brides friends/coworkers 50 people grooms friends, 50 people brides parents list, 50 people grooms parents list. However limitations should be placed(like if you havent seen the person in over 1 1/2 years you dont have to invite them).. ...

the tough thing is, if you have a big family then why not have a big wedding? that way everyone can share in your big day

Re: Guest List woes (vent-very long long, sorry)

I'm sorry that this is stressing you out! I'm having BIG problems with FIL's also. They are the main cause for all of my wedding stress!