Depressed About Things with FH - Update

He actually lied to me about going to the bar on Monday. And he had lied about being there last Thursday. This is when he had also went there on Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. It is bad when he has to lie about it. I'm just so depressed. I don't think I can even stay with him because now I can't trust him since I see how he lies, and I have to catch him in them in order for him to admit that he was lying. And I don't want to be with a frat boy who needs to go to the bar almost daily. If he goes once or maybe even twice a week, fine. But I just don't know what to do now.

Message edited 3/11/2004 11:34:22 AM.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

have you talked to him about (a) why he feels the need to go to a bar every night and (b) why he thinks it's okay to lie to you?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

You need to talk to him and tell him how his behavior, especially the lying, is making you feel. He needs to understand that trust is paramount in a relationship.

Good luck

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

What I will say to you is TALK TALK TALK.

You have to get to the bottom of this.

You do not want to start off your marriage like this as it will only resurface at a later date.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

He always goes because it's his friends from work hanging out there. But I don't think it's healthy to hang out there so much. Maybe if they actually hung out in circumstances where they won't be drinking beer every single time. He just doesn't tell me because he knows I'll be mad. He says he won't lie about it now. But what's done is done. He said to me, there have been times where I did the same thing, and I was like "WHEN?" I never lie about where I am. Why the hell would I lie?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Like Wendy said, can you ask him why is is at the bar so much and why he lies about it?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Definitely clear this up before you get married!!! If he does it now he will do it when he gets married. I would have serious trust issues if I were you. I hope it works out

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

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Posted by ChristineC68

You need to talk to him and tell him how his behavior, especially the lying, is making you feel. He needs to understand that trust is paramount in a relationship.

Good luck

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Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I didn't see your response - how often is he going to the bar? does he ever ask you to come join him there?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I wish you luck sweetie! Talk!!! Talk to him...give him cause to feel that he doesn't need to lie...he is lying b/c he knows it is wrong but doesn't want to suffer your wrath or hurt you. You need to talk to him.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I would go show up there when you think he is there, and spy!

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Hate to be unoriginal but you defintely should TALK to him. Ask him if he truly believes that his actions making you second guess him, is worth his trips there. Talk to him.......

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Well, last week was really excessive. I would say like three times a week. I was so mad too on one day I got my wisdom teeth out, and it was the day it was done, and I was in pain, and he was working nights, and he actually stopped at the bar during work which is 5 mins. away from me instead of stopping by me to see how I was.

He does ask me to join him a couple times, but I usually don't go anymore because I'm the only girl there then, and it's like okay, this is a guys' thing.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Talk to him about it, tell him how this makes you feel.

I have felt like a "bar widow" at times. Men sometimes need to prove to themselves or their buddies that they are not "whipped" by doing the same things they did when they were single. It so silly. I think after you speak with him and over time this will get better.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I don't feel like I can trust him anymore. He's lied before. I will just always have doubts.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

What was his response when you confronted him? Does he think it is no big deal or is he taking the situation seriously?

I am soo sorry you feel so bummed.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

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Posted by violet

I don't feel like I can trust him anymore. He's lied before. I will just always have doubts.

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Re: Depressed About Things with FH

He just said he was sorry and thinks it's something he has to apologize for a few times, and then I'll be okay. He doesn't think it's a big deal.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

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Posted by NYCHICK

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Posted by violet

I don't feel like I can trust him anymore. He's lied before. I will just always have doubts.

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very BIG ISSUE.........

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Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are smart to see it as a problem though and not chalk it up to "oh, he's a guy guy" (I have a couple of friends who love doing that)
anyway, you definetley have to talk to him and make him realize the seriousness of this situation and of his behavior. I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you but "You teach people how to treat you" don't let him get away with the lying and the deceit now, because he will just keep hurting you. we are here for you sweetie!

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I think maybe you guys need to sit down and go over this again. Let him know that his dishonesty is the real issue, and that you are not putting up with it, and that it is making you question your relationship.

My FH Knows that if I catch him in a lie there's gonna be he77z to pay. (Please refer to my fighting in public thread.)


I hope everthing works out for you!

Message edited 3/10/2004 11:59:52 AM.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

I agree with the ladies. FH likes to gamble (mostly play poker) and I give him a hard time about it because we should be saving our $$ even if it means he might win more of it. Anyway, I found out he went to Foxwoods and NOT the Mets games like he said, I was furious and felt the same way you do. After having a serious discussion, he said he lied because he knew I'd be PO'ed and would give him the silent treatment for days if he told me. Men thing in a warped way sometimes, just sit and talk (rationally) with him and make your decisions then.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH

Thanks for all the advice. I am e-mailing him to his phone because I don't even want to talk to him. I am saying I don't know if I even want to get married because I don't want to if I have doubts about things. And that it is a big deal that he lied, and it's not the first time, so everytime he says something, I'll be wondering if he's saying the truth or what.