VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I posted yesterday that FH and I ordered invitations on Wednesday night. Well last night we showed our parents the virtual proof online. Since my mom was there when we ordered them (she is paying for them) she just wanted to see how it looked.

FH's parents on the other hand, were so upset and offended that their names were not at the top with my parents (my parents are paying). They are from Poland (FH is too) and they said that in Poland our invitation would convey the meaning that my parents were aristocratic and he was a peasant boy (???? huh????) and my parents are hosting a big celebration for me and the man I chose to take as a husband. She also didn't like how my parents and his parents were listed as Mr. and Mrs. First Middle Last Name. She feels that she and my mother have first names and they should be listed.

Just for reference, my wording was this

Mr. and Mrs. first middle last
request the honour of your presence
at the Nuptial Mass uniting their daughter

First middle


and


First middle

son of Mr. and Mrs. first middle last

in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony

details
details
details



My mother, God bless her, has decided to be diplomatic and place his parents under my parents and we will change "daughter" to "children". She refuses to write out both mother's first names though


Is this weird? FH's parents are not contributing financially. It's my parents, and FH and me.


I didn't get to sleep until almost 2AM because I was so upset.

Need a hug or something

Message edited 1/23/2004 9:35:33 AM.

Re: VENT!!!Invitation wording-Future Mother in Law

What's wrong? I don't see anything else on your post.

Re: VENT!!!Invitation wording-Future Mother in Law

Okay, I hit the post button too soon

Re: VENT!!!Invitation wording-Future Mother in Law

What you had sounds perfectly acceptable (it is actually very similar to our wording). You know what, you can't please everybody, and it sounds like there is some cultural differences here. It was nice of your mom to agree to change the invitation.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I think it's nice of you to change it b/c my invitations did not mention my in-laws AT ALL... it would have been too much since both of my parents are re-married and both of them were paying 1/2 so they were already listed one below the other.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Instead of being offended, your FMIL should take a step back and try to understand that the invitations, as they were, adhere to "proper etiquette" in this country, and your mother was gracious in changing it to accommodate her. I wouldn't budge on the name issue either.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I'm sorry you're going thru this!!! We did ours
Together with our parents
Mr. & Mrs. First Name Last Name
and
Mr. & Mrs. First Name Last Name
we,
F. Name Middle Name
and F. Name Middle Name...

This way no one could complain and all of our names were in there since technically we're all contributing to the wedding in someway or another. I haven't had any problems yet and am ordering them today! i hope everything works out ok!! It's nice that your mom is switching the wording to "accomodate" everyone

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

According to FH's parents, the invitation is actually inviting guests to the church. If my parents want to convey that they are hosting the reception, that should be separate, but both sets of parents should be inviting everyone to the church.

I love my mom for remaining so calm. But she let me know that this is the one and only concession she will make. She really likes FH's parents, but she actually said " we are in America and most of the guests are American. The invitation should follow American etiquette"

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

It's understandable taht she objects-- people are used to what they know from their cultures. Of course, there is no reason to yell.
Are people from Poland being invited?
Then I an see her point, kind of. But if its mostly people in the US, then she needs to undersatnd that things are differnt here.

Again, people, no yelling. They are invitations. Save the yelling life or death situations.

ETA: I jsut saw your last post- You're mom is right if most of the guests are American, it should be done the American way, but it is intersting to know that the Polish perspective is that the invite is for the church only. That kind of makes sense.
But, as someone who works in publishing, I HATE when people criticise something AFTER its been sent to the printer, so I feel your pain.

Message edited 1/23/2004 9:51:53 AM.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I did what your mom said to do. My invite copy went something like this.

mr and mrs first middle last
and
mr and mrs first middle last
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their children
BRIDE first middle
and
GROOM first middle
on DAY
YEAR
at TIME
LOCATION
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE

I wouldn't put the mother's first name on there. Its to cumbersome.

For us it had nothing to do with who gave what amount of money, or who didn't give anything. It was more what we felt was appropriate.

Message edited 1/23/2004 9:52:22 AM.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Yes, people from Poland are being invited, but it is a very small number. FH and I even suggested that we print a small number of invitations for the Polish relatives, but his parents said no. More than 85% of the guests are American, but his parents are worried about what the Polish relatives will think.

And I had to be in the middle of this argument when FH and his parents were bickering back and forth in Polish without ever explaining anything to me. And then FH tried to explain to his parents that this is American etiquette and he didn't understand what was wrong. FH's mother told him he was old enough to read it and figure it out.

I think FH is lucky I suggested we list his parents under him with the "son of...." line. FH actually said no at first because he didn't think it was necessary.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I think you should get credit for doing the "son of" line! We had to do that just so they would attend.. lol

God, I'm so glad to be past this stage! Best of luck!
I think the idea of one for polish guests and one for american is awesome, you are being great about this as are your parents don't let her get you down!

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

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Posted by xjulietx

Yes, people from Poland are being invited, but it is a very small number. FH and I even suggested that we print a small number of invitations for the Polish relatives, but his parents said no. More than 85% of the guests are American, but his parents are worried about what the Polish relatives will think.

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Message edited 1/23/2004 10:27:22 AM.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I had a lot of the same issues with my FH--he is English. Who knew invitations are so different. I can see both sides of the argument here, but I think you've made a good compromise. Your parents gave in to having your FH's parents' names up top, so they're going to have to give in to some things too.

Although, I agree that traditional invitations are ONLY for the church--why else would you have reception cards? I think it's tacky though to have your parents' names on the reception card--it looks like an ad or something--"This reception was sponsored by Mr. & Mrs. First name Last name" My FH didn't want his parents' names on because they weren't paying for the wedding and we chose (against my better judgement) to put both church and reception info on the actual invite.

Good luck! Stand your ground! and make sure FH sticks up for you with his parents--it sounds like he has been!

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

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Posted by tourist

It's understandable taht she objects-- people are used to what they know from their cultures. Of course, there is no reason to yell.
Are people from Poland being invited?
Then I an see her point, kind of. But if its mostly people in the US, then she needs to undersatnd that things are differnt here.

Again, people, no yelling. They are invitations. Save the yelling life or death situations.

ETA: I jsut saw your last post- You're mom is right if most of the guests are American, it should be done the American way, but it is intersting to know that the Polish perspective is that the invite is for the church only. That kind of makes sense.
But, as someone who works in publishing, I HATE when people criticise something AFTER its been sent to the printer, so I feel your pain.

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Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

your poor parents and you poor thing!
My invites only have my parents names on them, but that was mostly just b.c my invites were too small to fit too much info.

Personally I wouldn't give in. My parents would be offended to do it the way you're talking about, but would be agreeable to doing it like
Mr and Mrs X
invite you to nuptial mass
of their daughter X
to
Mr. RR
Son of Mr and Mrs. X


Had I have the room I would have done it that way.

You don't want to look at your invites with any regrets!

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I hope you resolved it. We id the diplomatic thing, too, just as you said in your post, even though we paid for the wedding ourselves. Sometimes it is not worth the arguement

We put:

Hearzbellz
&
WillzBellz

along with their families
request the honour <yadda, yadda>

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I understand both sides...

As a courtesy I run everything by my FMIL so FH's family feel included even though they don't have the means to contribute. Marriage is all about compromise, so why not just start on the right foot!

9 times out of 10 they will defer to my judgment, however the mere fact that I consult them indicates that I care about who they are and what they think, so it makes it easier for them to do so.

Message edited 1/23/2004 10:48:59 AM.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

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Posted by bethsiar

your poor parents and you poor thing!
My invites only have my parents names on them, but that was mostly just b.c my invites were too small to fit too much info.

Personally I wouldn't give in. My parents would be offended to do it the way you're talking about, but would be agreeable to doing it like
Mr and Mrs X
invite you to nuptial mass
of their daughter X
to
Mr. RR
Son of Mr and Mrs. X


Had I have the room I would have done it that way.

You don't want to look at your invites with any regrets!

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Message edited 1/23/2004 10:59:29 AM.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

Just talked to a cool co-worker who said not to sweat it. He said it will look fine with both sets of parents on the top but he thinks FMIL should read up on American etiquette because she lives here and is a citizen.

He also told me I should have eloped when I was in Vegas in December

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The compromise you did is more than sufficient. You are a better person than I - I would have just said to them point blank that you are in the US now and accept our customs.

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

I like how it was the first time around. Everyone has different customs but you're getting married here and therefore (IMO) you should use the customs here.

Then again you don't need to be the one paying to be the one hosting.

If it means no fighting, then have both names on top. But I would explain to her why you had it the way it was (which I think was fine).

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

okay, at the risk of becoming very unpopular, here's my humble opinion: you chose this guy that you love and his culture is a big part of who he is (and will likely be part of many compromises to come). I am the Spanish part of my marriage, so I know my FH and I have discussed these sorts of things lots ...i am so impressed by your mom being willing to make the change that she did! I actually included my mom's first name on the invite: B/C his parent's are divorced and therefore were listed individually...that meant that only my mom's name wasn't on our invite My fh was great about breaking "etiquette" Bottom line: new family+new culture=lots of talking!! my best wishes to you guys

Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

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Posted by solstice

okay, at the risk of becoming very unpopular, here's my humble opinion: you chose this guy that you love and his culture is a big part of who he is (and will likely be part of many compromises to come). I am the Spanish part of my marriage, so I know my FH and I have discussed these sorts of things lots ...i am so impressed by your mom being willing to make the change that she did! I actually included my mom's first name on the invite: B/C his parent's are divorced and therefore were listed individually...that meant that only my mom's name wasn't on our invite My fh was great about breaking "etiquette" Bottom line: new family+new culture=lots of talking!! my best wishes to you guys

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Re: VENT!!! Invitation wording argument with Future Mother in Law

The wording you had is exactly what we are going to have. My FIL refuse to pay. The told us that they already maried their daughter so they are done paying. You and ure mother are great people to change the wording to make her happy. Heres ure hugs Don't let her get u down.