Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

My BF had her first baby on Dec. 17. I am really excited for her and expecially for being the baby's honorary aunt! (I have no brothers or sisters and my SIL is not having kids soon).

Well, I'm starting to get annoyed at her and feeling really guilty about it b/c I have not seen the baby yet! We live down the block from eachother so it's not a travel issue. I can always come by. I wanted to visit her in the hospital (she was at winthrop wich is 45 minutes away) and she told me not to bother b/c she was depressed that her son was in the neonatal unit.

When she came home the excuses were either she's too tired, the baby's cranky, the house is messy, the baby has the sniffles, it's too cold outside and she doesn't want the front door to be open, etc. Her inlaws are always over taking the baby from her so she can sleep, clean (or they do it for her). I know she's not blowing me off b/c she keeps making plans for me to stop by and then last minute she calls and cancells them. I'm starting to think about not picking up the phone and just showing up the next time we make plans. This way she will have no choice. I don't want to have to say something to her b/c I don't want her to think I'm mad even though I am. She was never like this before and during the time she was preggo.

Am I being incensitive to the new mom's needs? Please advise... obviously I have no kids yet and do not want to be this way!

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

When my girlfriend had her baby I didn't see her until almost 2 months after.

I don't have a child yet, but I imagine that becoming a mother overnight can be a very daunting thing which would cause a great deal of stress and anxiety in addition to the awe and beauty of it. I've already informed most of my friends and family that I'd be locking myself up for a month or so and the only one that's allowed to come over is my sister who's going to help with the housework and stuff.

Besides that, I imagine that the poor girl is exhausted and maybe in no mood to see anyone, even her best friend, until she's sort of mastered the art of juggling new motherhood, the sleepless nights and a life that's no longer her own.

I'd be patient and wait for her to give you the go ahead. Call and ask her if she needs any help and remind her that you're her best friend and you don't care if the house is in a shambles and you just miss her and you'd like to see both her and the baby, but if she declines, try not to take it personally.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

Sounds like she may have post pardum depression maybe. I would be honest with her very gently. Just tell her you really want to meet her new baby and to see her. The first month home is very overwhelming, I'm sure she is just adjusting

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

She may be having a really hard time adjusting and could have post partum depression. Next time she tries to cancel because she is overhwelmed, see if she minds you coming by to help cook or care for the baby. You could also cook something for her and ask if you can just drop it off. She may ask you to stay for a few minutes.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

I was just going to say the same thing. She sounds like she is having a little post-partum depression. Just give her a little time, I am sure she'll come around.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

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Posted by susans

I'd be patient and wait for her to give you the go ahead. Call and ask her if she needs any help and remind her that you're her best friend and you don't care if the house is in a shambles and you just miss her and you'd like to see both her and the baby, but if she declines, try not to take it personally.

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Message edited 1/18/2004 11:29:34 AM.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

I agree with all of the above advice. Please don't take it personally. It's a very hard adjustment to make, and every extra person in the house adds to the stress ~ even if it's the people who LEAST stress you out. Slowly but surely she will begin to feel like her old self, and then she'll be dying for you to visit.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

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Posted by kelly4

Her inlaws are always over taking the baby from her so she can sleep, clean (or they do it for her). I know she's not blowing me off b/c she keeps making plans for me to stop by and then last minute she calls and cancells them.

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Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

I have a friend who went through a very similar thing - and I admit that I went through it a bit, too. Post partum depression is no joke, and it can easily become VERY difficult for a new Mom to get a hold of.

Just be gentle with her, but firm. Tell her that you do not care what her house looks like or anything and that you're not coming over to see the house - you just want to deliver a great big hug to her, and shower her new baby with love and attention! Offer to sit w/the baby while she jumps in the shower and relaxes a bit without having to worry. Tell her that you'll pick up brunch or lunch or whatever so that she doesn't have to worry about a thing! Just be the best friend you have always been, and she'll come around in her own time.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

It is truly such a hard time. Much harder than I could have ever anticipated. And for some reason, I have found myself tuning out the friends closest to me. I know it's only temporary, and for the most part I feel great most of the time - but there are hours in these long days where I could just cry my eyes out , and for some reason the last person I want to see is my very best friend. I think she reminds me of another time - a time where I felt like I had so much freedom and laughter and carefreeness. A time when there wasn't such a responsibility, and everybody (in laws and so on) wanting to know why she hasnt' gained more weight, and she's going to get sick if I open the door, and "you are doing to much" - it's so incredibly overwhelming. My guess is this is where your friend is at and she will come around. I am hoping I do!

I think a great thing to do is make a dinner and just give a ring and be like - listen I know you need time, but I need to know you are eating so I am going to just drop this on the doorstep and you enjoy with your husband. Or cookies or something like that -

Good luck - you are a very patient friend!

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

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Posted by jenny11.9

...but there are hours in these long days where I could just cry my eyes out , and for some reason the last person I want to see is my very best friend. I think she reminds me of another time - a time where I felt like I had so much freedom and laughter and carefreeness. A time when there wasn't such a responsibility...

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Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

I immediately thought "baby blues" (not PPD) when I read the post. The adjustment is absolutely incredible. No matter how prepared you *think* you are, you're not.

Sean was just 5 days old when we had family (with all good intentions) come over to visit. They came in groups of 4 or more, throughout the day and night. Needless to say, I had a breakdown and I mean BREAKDOWN by the end of the night. The thought of seeing anyone else ever again (a tad dramatic) was overwhelming! My poor DH didn't know what to do for me!!

Give her a bit more time. Once she opens the door for the first time, you'll be there more often than you want!!

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

Thanks everyone. I've been leaving her alone and not calling her to give her space, but SHE's the one calling and making plans and then dropping them. That's what I don't get mostly.

Like everyone said, I will give her time.

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

I agree with everyone else, just give her some space and she'll come around! I also agree with Kathi -- I had the baby blue also and I had SEVERAL meltdowns and breakdowns where my MIL was concerned. I even had one in the dr's office at my 6 week check up and the first thing the dr asked me was if I thought of hurting myself or the baby! I was like NO WAY and she said she had to ask that by law.

My problem was not with me or the baby, but with my MIL and the hoovering and wanting to be at my house CONSTANTLY and driving me crazy.

It's a big adjustment when you first come home from the hospital and you need time to bond with your new family and some people adjust quicker then others, etc.

Don't take it personally!! She'll come around soon!!!

Re: Am I just not understanding my new mom friend?

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Posted by jenny11.9

... she reminds me of another time - a time where I felt like I had so much freedom and laughter and carefreeness. A time when there wasn't such a responsibility...

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