Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

my Fh just found out that he didn't get a job that he wanted,and it was going to help out a lot with bills we have.. So as for the wedding, it kind of had to be put on the "back burner".. My fh got so upset and called his mom (behind my back) and told her that we had to cancel the wedding.. HIS MOM FLIPPED.. she said no, she didn't have a big wedding for her first wedding,and no way,is her son not having a big wedding.. So fi told her that we can't afford it.. she said she would pay for the wedding.. well, for the hall.. HOLY COW!!!!!! that's like $16,000 alone.. We'll pay for flowers, dress, inviations, dj.. My problem is.. I am very thankful for this.. But I can't help but feel really guilty.. That's a lot of money,and it's tradition that the bride's mom pay for the wedding.. i feel bad.. My mom is helping, but not that much.. She is giving what she can give and that's a third of what fi mom is giving..
My fi said that we should let her, because she will be upset if we don't have the wedding, and he said he really wants to have the wedding.. anyway.. what would you do? would you let your MIL pay for the wedding, or would you just try to do it yourself??

Message edited 1/9/2004 12:15:45 AM.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (very long)

Sorry about all the stress!! That really sucks.. I totally know how it feels. But its good that you are so thankful and yes I would take the money. If this is what she wants.. it will make everyone happy. what if you offer to pay her back for some of it after.. so you can still have the big wedding and dont have to push it back? make payment to her or something.. split it. I think you have a great FMIL.
Dont feel bad about you mother not giving as much - we are in the same situation and I always feel guilty that his parents have the money to help and my mom dosent.. but thats the way the world works. everyone understands :)

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

ps. isnt it better for her to help now then you guys put yourselves into debt for a wedding?!
If she honestly wants to help you shouldnt stop her :) good luck whatever you do

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

Hell ya I would let FMIL pay for it! She's the one who offered, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Be very gracious and tell her you appreciate her generosity.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

I really love her A LOT.. she is the sweetest woman on earth.. and for her to offer this.. I can't explain my gratitude.. We are going to lunch.. FH, FMIL, me and my mom,and we'll discuss numbers then.. I'll just offer to pay her back half or something like that.. we have some money set aside for the wedding... but her paying for all of the hall really helps.. Thanks girls.. i'll let ya know what happens, when we all have "the talk"..

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

i was going to suggest that maybe you can offer to pay her back some of the money....that way you can put your mind at ease a little!
i think it's wonderful that she's offering that....and i think it would make her happy to let her do that for you!
good luck!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

Tradition has really gone out the window when it comes to who pays for what. If his mother can reasonably afford to contribute more that yours, than you shoudn't feel guilty over that. Make sure your FMIL knows how much you appreciate the offer and let her know that you intend to pay her back what you guys can afford. Don't forget, you'll recieve money for your wedding and you could use some of that. For now take her up on her offer and try to save as much as you can. It will all work out. It seems like there's a lot of love between you all and that's the most important thing in all of this.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

you have fm!!!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

I understand how you feel since I've been there. We were planning our wedding as though we were paying for it not really knowing how we would do it all and my IL's gave use 'a little something to help us out'. That little something was a 10K check. I said we couldn't take it but they insisted because they wanted to help pay for FH wedding as they did with his 2 sisters. They are wonderful at treating their children equally. They then later gave us a 5K check to cover the RD and wanted to know it would be enough. We had a catered dinner at my mom's house. Again I tried to tell them no but they insisted. They are soooooo amazing!

Don't feel bad because your mom can't help as much. My mom & stepdad did more than I could hope for although not as much as IL's. They threw our E-party at their home and opened their home for our RD as well as paying for our HM (that was our wedding gift). However, my dad & stepmother didn't help at all. I never expected them and never asked nor did they ever offer.

So if your FMIL is insisting then accept it graciously. Maybe write her a special TY note or letter. I did that telling them how they made it possible for us to have the wedding of our dreams and that we really didn't know how we could have done it without them.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

Thank you girls.. again..
I wanted to add about my father..

My dad hasn't offred anything.. He's happy for us, but he is unable to help us our financially, that's fine.. But it also makes me feel like crap. because I just wish I could give more.. I am going to write a letter, and I'll post it and let me know how it sounds.. thanks

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

Your welcome Crystal!!!!!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

Wow, I'm emotional.. lol..
ok, I wrote this little note.. would this be nice to give her.. I'll write it in a thank you card, or just a pretty plain card.. let me know..
be honest please.. (like I have to ask, I know you girls will be honest)


Diane,
I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how much everything you do and have done means to me. You accepted me into your family and made me feel I “fit in” from the very start. You are the most caring generous person that I have ever met and I feel so lucky to become a part of your family. You keep your family so together and you bring laughter and happiness to everyone. I want to say thank you also for all of the help with this wedding. Your creative ideas, and generous contributions are more than I could ever ask for. You’re making this day possible for Jonathan and I and I don’t know how to thank you. When we felt like we couldn’t make it through these hard times, you’ve shown us that we can do it. It seems like every time I try to say thank you, the words are never enough. Your making our dream wedding come true. I am so thankful to have you as a mother in law, and I couldn’t imagine my life without you or your family in it. Thank you so much for all you do.
Love always,
Crystal

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

awww im gunna cry... its so sweet she will love it

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

TAKE THE CASH!!! (and elope! ) Just kidding.. If she feels comfortable with giving that much then take it on a whim... See if there might be any other corners you can cut or re-budget some of the other vendors...
MY WHOLE wedding was less than what she's offered to give you... I am sure you can pull it off!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long)

I just wanted to say that you really don't need to feel guilty about this. If she's decided to help you out this much, then accept her help as the wonderful offer it is and thank God that you have such a great FMIL. But don't feel guilty that your parents can't put in more - that's just the way things go now. The reason why the bride's family tradtionally puts more towards the wedding is because the groom is supposed to support her for the rest of her life, so they're kinda giving her a dowry or something. I don't think your FH is gonna support you in that manner, and even if he were we're in a different age now and this convention has gone out the window. Everyone should put in what they can, that's my belief. Be happy for yourself, your FI and your FMIL, because obviously she wants you married very, very badly.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

I didn't see that note - it's so sweet! She'll love it!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

WOW!!!!

Crystal, That sounds perfect!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

Yay.. thanks I love you girls..i feel so much better..
WHo needs therapy when you have LIWEDDINGS??!!!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

LIW is my therapy!!!!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

She volunteered- you didn't pressure her and if she can afford it, take it--its a gift, it will make her happy.

The note is very sweet.

Think of it this way, down the road, if you MIL, needed money, and you had it , wouldn't you give it to her?

I think people offering money & accepting when appropriate without being weird is a healthy part of a family.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

I think the letter is just perfect. It says everything that needs to be said without going on and on. It brought tears to my eyes and it will to hers as well.

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

That is such a sweet letter!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

that is an awesome letter - i think that she will really appreciate the gesture - it came from your heart just like her gift came from hers -
wonderful - and congrats

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

thats a great letter!

Re: Well, I have a financial problem!!! (kinda long) updated with letter to FMIL

You have over a year, so why don't you accept her offer and just save as much as the two of you can over the year. then when the wedding is close maybe you won't have to take that amount from her. Maybe you'll be able to borrow a little less.
Good Luck in your decision either way!