Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

Went to a gathering of a friend of a friend-

This woman was very upset because her boyfriend had just broken up with her and moved out of their apartment. They had been dating two years, and living together for a few months. They had pooled money together, purchased a car. From what she spoke there was no talk of marriage in the near or distant future. They are now in the midst of resolving all of their financial obligations.

My question is would you have moved in with FH/DH not knowing if it was going somewhere or at least ironing out any personal issues between the two of you? I know this may sound like too easy of a question, but some people have the rationale of "lets see where it goes, or lets take a chance"

Just curious to hear your thoughts.

I did not move in with DH until after the wedding, though I see NOTHING wrong with living together first (after getting the ring of course).

Message edited 1/5/2004 2:48:56 PM.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

We lived together before discussions of marriage came up...For us it worked out great...but I know it doesn't always.

I have to admit, that if it hadn't, I probably would have regretted living together, but who knows.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I have been living with fi since aug of 2002 and got my ring in sept of 2003

I recommend it to everyone
You REALLY know someone when you live with them

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I moved in with FH a few months before we got engaged. After we moved in, I was expecting a ring in the not so distant future. Personally, I would not move in with a guy that I did not see committing to me in the future. To me, living together is such a personal and big step. This is JMO and some people may see it differently.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I moved in with Al about 2 months before we got engaged. But I knew thats where it was heading, it was just a matter of time.

I don't think I would live with someone, if I didn't plan on a future with that person.

I took the "lets see where this goes" risk/chance when I moved to CA to be with Al. I can understand that mentality, but I don't think I would have pooled money or made major purchases together until I knew where it was heading.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

We moved in together before getting engaged but we spoke of marriage alot before too.

I say take a chance

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I move in with DH long before we discussed marriage. What I did was I made sure that even though we pooled money for certain things I had a plan of action for if things did not work out. It may sound odd to go into something with a plan of how to get out of it, but that was the way I was thinking at the time.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I agree... we moved in together in Sept. of 2001 and got engaged in March of 2002. I knew we wanted to get married before we moved in together, otherwise I would have had my concerns.

I have a friend who moved in with her significant other, decided she didnt want to be with him anymore and moved out, then moved back in with him in a different apartment a year later. They're engaged now and have been for over a year, but still have no date set, no plans, nothing.... she's told me she's not sure if she wants to marry him. So there's a good example of why NOT to move in with someone for ya!!

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

About 8 years ago I moved in with a BF. When we made the decision we were planning to get married one day - we were young so there was nothing immediate but we did expect to be together. It didn't work out for various reasons and I moved out several months later.

We did keep most of our finances seperate though - I was a total mess at the time. He made the major purchases so when I left, I took what I brought in and that was it.

Message edited 1/5/2004 2:30:49 PM.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

Just realized I did not answer my own question.

No, I would not have moved in with someone and pooled money together if I did not know where it was going. I am so not a risk taker.

I feel as if I have to walk away from a relationship I want to do it as easily as possible. I also think living together is a very personal thing to do, therefore I would make such a decision like that VERY carefully.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

we moved in after we got engaged! i would not have moved in before the official proposal and the ring!

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

DH and I moved in together after we got engaged but would have done it before if the circumstances were right for us. But we had a good idea where the relationship was headed when we even talked about moving in together. As for pooling finances and such I do not recommend that let's take a chance scenario esp if you are not engaged and not sure where things are headed. DH and I opened a joint savings account after getting engaged and figured out how to handle bills and such but we did and still do maintain separate checking accounts. Before getting married this was important to us (now it still exists out of convenience). We have seen people who lived together and shared everything moeny, car, etc. and then one day somene up's and disappears and empties the bank account and takes everything of importance with them - even couples who are engaged and seemed like a perfect fit! Scary!

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

Chris & I moved in together after about 1 1/2 - 2 years of dating...and were engaged after almost 6 years of dating. For us, it works. I'm of the thought that I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. (Chris is the 2nd guy I have lived with...the first, we moved in after dating for about 3 years and broke up after just under 5 years of dating.)

I don't think there can be any expectations...but I also wouldn't be buying a car without knowing where the relationship may or may not be going. I need to be on the same page as the person I'm with.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I see no problem living together. It's perfectly normal to me even without a real future discussion. You just have to be careful.

In Texas I used to have my own apt. I made sure that if a guy wanted to move in it was him moving in with me. Not the other way around. I wanted to have my place if things went bad and not be homeless.

NEVER intermingle finances. It's just ASKING for disaster. I guess if you do the legal agreement thing you have a fighting chance, but frankly I never had the patience for that. When a guy and I ended it, it was over. Get your stuff and get out of my house. Don't come back. End of story no further details needed.

He bought his own stuff for himself and I bought mine. Yes, we had two Tv's and two VCR's. Two beds at one point (one in storage) and I was ok with all that.

I was engaged once before and he screwed me over on the finances. I needed to learn that lesson only once. The guys who have lived with me since then (including Jim) have all had the very stern discussion.. What's mine is mine!.

I made Jim pay for the wedding rings and most of the wedding costs. I wanted him Financially responsible for all the debt associated with this wedding (just in case). Then we got married in town hall. It was then and ONLY then I added him to my bank account and I still keep one account solely in my own maiden name. One which he has no access to. He has one as well.

It sounds unromantic but it's the reality of the world today.

ETA: Jim and I moved in together before we got engaged.

Message edited 1/5/2004 2:49:48 PM.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

We lived together for 5 1/2 years before he proposed. We were only 21 years old when we moved in so marriage was the furthest things from our minds, we just wanted to be together. I think it worked out well for us because we were able to experience alot of things during that time together.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I dont see the wedding ceremony or the engagement ring as having any meaning unless the commitment is there. Marriage only has the meaning you put behind it.

So when I moved in with my husband and we pooled our finances, etc.. there was no ring and no plans of marriage but the same level of commitment was there as if they were.

I would not have even considered moving in with someone unless I felt we were just as committed (more so probably) than most married couples.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I don't think there is anything wrong with living together first but I didn't move in with FH until after we were engaged. It involved me moving cross country and I didn't want to uproot my life unless it was for marriage. But I was in a different circumstance.
I did live with an ex-boyfriend and we had no plans on getting married.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...it depends on the maturity of the individuals.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I would not have moved in if I didnt know for sure we would get married and I felt we would and we did

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I wanted to make sure that we could live with each other, since he works at 3am - 11, and I work 9-5, and to make sure we were compatible roomates.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

Frank and I lived together for 6 years before becoming engaged. However we did not pool our money. We paid for rent and bills 50/50 (my idea). I WOULD NEVER marry anyone with out living together first. I had lived with a BF for a period of time and i really got to know him after living together and i am SOOO happy I did, because i would never want to be married to someone like that. and I believe that you never truly know someone until you live with them, sleeping over each others houses doesnt cut it. Frank and I didnt pool our money together until we got married.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I officially moved in with FH after we got engaged, but I was spending weekends and basically all my time at his place before we got engaged. I am so happy we are living together beforehand. We have totally gotten to know each other and are so happy. After we got engaged, it just got too hard leaving him because we were so in love so I moved in. My parents weren't happy at first, but they saw how in love we were and knew how miserable I was coming home at night.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I was engaged once before, and moved in with the guy 3 months after we got engaged, but things wound up not working out. Living with him taught me more about him that made me realize he wasn't the one for me. So being engaged isn't always the guarantee you might think it is. I definitely recommend living together first. I am so glad I am living with FH now. It made me appreciate him more than I did already.

Heidi

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

We didn't but only because we lived 5 hours from each other and each owned a house and each had a kid in school. Had to wait until my house was sold and the new school season started.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

We moved in after getting engaged - I wanted to know that he was in it for the long run
...and I will admit, I wanted to make sure we were compatible living together.

Re: Just wondering- question for those who moved in together before the marriage, before the ring?

I moved in with FH after dating for just 9 months! We hadn't spoken about marriage but we both knew we had found the one. We got engaged a little over a year later. We have not pooled our $$ together nor have we made any large purchases together yet. I love him with all my heart, but you just never know and I've seen too many talk shows where women get taken for all they have and wind up with nothing. Maybe that sounds cynical and like I don't trust FH but I'm just protecting myself and my posessions same as he is.