need advice (pretty long) - if you posted before, please read my update!

I have a bit of a sticky situation that I'm having trouble dealing with. My FH and I have a large group of people we socialized with in college. We are not necessarily inviting all of these people to our wedding, as they are not all people we were ever good friends with or currently keep in touch with. There is one girl in particular who was part of this group, but who everyone found very annoying and overbearing. We all basically tolerated her. Now that I'm getting married, she keeps e-mailing me about marking the date of my wedding on her calender, getting a dress, making our present, etc. We aren't planning on inviting her, and I don't know how to tell her this. I hate the idea of hurting her, which is what is going to happen, and I dont know if I should just say something, or let her realize it when she doesn't get her invitation. Another option is to have someone who is better friends with her break the news to her. I feel like a complete B****, but we are limited in who we can invite to the wedding, and already have a guest list that needs to be cut down. Is anyone else in a similar situation or have an idea about what I should do? Thanks!

Message edited 12/10/2003 8:41:29 PM.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

That is too bad that she is just assuming she is being invited to the wedding. Do you really think that she doesn't realize you aren't inviting all the HS friends or do you think she's saying all this to make sure she does indeed get invited?

You may want to start dropping hints about how you and FH only have room at the hall to invite X amount of people and that it's going to be hard but you're going to have to cut some people off the list. Hopefully she'll figure it out.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

How does she know you are getting married? Through other people? If she keeps emailing you - honestly - i would just email her back (easier than talking to her in person) and explain pretty much what you said here - not the part that you don't like her - ha ha - but just say that it is a small wedding and unfortunately is has to be limited to family and very close friends - I think you are better to tell her now - it will be quite a while before your invites go out - no reason to let her keep thinking she's invited!

Re: need advice (pretty long)

That's kinda rough. I hope I don't have to do this and I'm sorry that you do. But I think the easiest way for you to do this is via email. Tell that you are very sorry but just like you said, you are limited in the number of people you can invite and unfortunately you will be unable to invite her. Embellish it with whatever you need to in order to break it to her gently. Tell her that you appreciate her enthusiasm for your wedding and that you feel terrible but your family is big, limited space...etc etc.

Good luck!

Re: need advice (pretty long)

I really think she assumes she's invited...it goes along with her personality, which is very overbrearing. I feel badly, because she doesn't have very many true friends but thinks that everyone is her friend. BTW, it was college, not high school - I just edited the post to change that! oops.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

if your not inviting the whole "group", then say ther is limited space and your sorry you couldnt invite everyone,

Re: need advice (pretty long)

I agree... I think it's strange for someone to automatically assume they are invited to your wedding, especially when you aren't close friends with them!

I think you have 2 options- One is to stop returning her emails as much or when you do email her back, drop hints as Maribelle said above. OR- you could come right out and tell her that although you cherish her friendship, you just can't invite everyone to your wedding that you would like to. It will probably hurt her feelings but sometimes that can't be avoided- espeically if she is being pushy about something that she shouldn't be.

Message edited 12/6/2003 11:22:21 PM.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

She knows we're getting married b/c of this large group of friends...she found out very quickly via the grapevine. Also, it was in the newspaper of an organization we were involved in in college.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

Is she the only one out of this large group that is not going to be invited?

Re: need advice (pretty long)

No, absolutely not. We are understandably only inviting the people we are personally good friends with. There are plenty of people who are more like acquaintances - they are friends with close friends of mine, but not MY friends. The difference with this girl is that she really thinks she is a close friend, although I give her no reason to think so. I'm friendly toward her, but I never went out of my way to talk to her or socialize with her.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

I know how tough this can be- you never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but since she isn't the only one in this group that you are not inviting, I think you can easily say that you just aren't able to invite everyone. If she doesn't understand, then there is not much else you can do. I think that since she is talking to you directly about going to your wedding, it should come from you. It's so hard but she doesn't seem to be leaving you much of a choice.

Good luck!

Re: need advice (pretty long)

Jackie,

I'm fairly certain I know who you're talking about - I used to live with her, right? The reason I'm guessing her is because she told me about the present she was making you.

Have you seen Adam Stern's website lately? He has a REALLY good "I'm sorry I can't invite you all" note. Maybe you should consider putting one of those out in a place where you think she'll see it.

Also, give her a call, and explain that your guest list has just grown beyond any sense of manageability, and you're going to have to cut people. You can even tell her that some of Brad's ex-roommates aren't going to be on the list! (LOL, wonder who that is?! )

If it's who I think it is, I'm sure that with a little calm, rational explanation, she'll understand. As much as you'd love to invite everyone from Chabad, you just can't. And you can get others in on the "I'm not invited" action.

Worst come to worst, I'll talk to her if you like (that is assuming it is who I think it is).

Rachel

Re: need advice (pretty long)

Thanks Rachel-
You know, I forgot the two of you had lived together, and if I had remembered, I probably wouldn't have posted that! I really had no idea you still kept in touch, and I'm really sorry for anything offensive I may have said.
I just looked at Adam's website - that is a very good letter, but I don't have a public place like that to post something, and I think I should really talk to her personally. I may e-mail her, but can you FM me her phone #?
And since you just IMed me, this post is pointless but everyone else can enjoy!

Jackie

Re: need advice (pretty long)

Ok ... I think sometimes people do/say things on email that they wouldn't do/say in person. Do you even see this person regularly that she would have had the opportunity to say this to you in person? Would she have actually said it in person? Unlikely. It's a rough one but I wouldn't feel bad about just telling her that you are limited and that you appreciate all of her well wishes but that you are restricted in inviting only family and the closest of friends.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

e mail her since this is how she is communicationg with you, and tell her that your sorry, but you are very limited in how many you can invite and you cant extend an invataion to her.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

Jax....sorry to say we have a similar problem......

The b@stard weaseled his way to our wedding by coming with one of our other friends as a guest. I really resented it & told him so. I thought it was very low-class of him to do such a thing. This guy even had the nerve to say..."you invited Mr.XXXX but not me?!?!?!?" As if I owed it to him or something.

I get very very aggravated at people who assume that they are invited. It is not their wedding, they are not paying for it, nor do they have any say in the guest list.

Sorry. Kick them in the shins & tell 'em I said so.

j/k about the shins thing.... I have 1 month to go & want to kick everyone in the shins.....the stress is starting to drive me crazy!!!

Message edited 12/7/2003 8:34:12 PM.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

I think that you should let her know that you are limited to an x ammount of people and have been cutting many people from the list and are only inviting those closest to you . . .

She may get the hint, she may not, but at least you are hinting to her enough that she may get the hint . . .

Re: need advice (pretty long)

that's a sticky situation - yikes!!!

you say she keeps emailing you - how have you previously responded to her?? i don't know how you would gently tell her she's not invited, if you have been responding to her emails all along. i think at this point, you can't just go with the "she'll figure it out when she doesn't get an invite". i think that would be unnecessarily cruel to string her along - especially if she seems excited for the wedding. i think one way or another - you have to lay your cards on the table for her.

good luck!!!

Re: need advice (pretty long) - if you replied, please read!

Thank you so much to everyone who gave me advice. I realize I had been avoiding dealing with the situation for ages now, and I decided to bite the bullet and e-mail her. I just wanted to get your opinions on what I was going to say. What do you think of this? I want completely honest opinions. Thanks!

Dear _____,
I'm not quite sure where to begin this e-mail, because any way I say what I have to say isn't going to be easy. Brad and I have had a very difficult time forming our wedding guest list. We are very limited in the number of people we can invite, and my parents have us shortening our guest list. Your enthusiasm about the wedding and desire to attend have been so sweet, and I feel terrible telling you this, but we aren't going to be able to invite you to the wedding. I want you to know that you aren't the only one this is affecting - there are other people with whom we have been friendly with over the years, both from Binghamton and from home, who we will be unable to invite. I wish I could have let you know this sooner, but we only recently got things figured out. Thank you for trying to understand.

Sincerely,
Jackie

Message edited 12/10/2003 9:12:07 PM.

Re: need advice (pretty long)

You said it best....

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we are limited in who we can invite to the wedding, and already have a guest list that needs to be cut down.

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Re: need advice (pretty long) - if you posted before, please read my update!

It says "you are the only one this is affecting" ... I think you need to change that to "you aren't the only one this is affecting"

Re: need advice (pretty long) - if you posted before, please read my update!

LOL...oopsie! This is why I need proofreaders!